Thinking about Baby #4

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how old is your youngest? I felt very similarly to you except about going from 2 to 3. Made more difficult as partner was on the fence leaning towards no (rather than a hard no). In any case, found that when my youngest was around 2, that longing really went away and I no longer wanted to go “back to start” — so it may be a feeling that eases naturally as youngest gets older.

It also helped to be reminded I was going to grieve my last no matter how many kids I had.

My longing for a third did not go away (and we had one) but my desire for a fourth was(is) more manageable. Agree that some people will always grieve being done. Not everyone. But I think it is well within the range of normal. In my case it has been helpful to reflect and I know that the desire to bring another tiny person into the world is nothing to what it was last time. This time, it is more nostalgic than it is a desire to have another person at my table however many years down the road.

If OP is really that intensely grieving for a fourth, though, that’s valid and that’s hard. I’m sorry. I don’t think it’s easy to be talked out of these feelings, even when you’re overruled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how old is your youngest? I felt very similarly to you except about going from 2 to 3. Made more difficult as partner was on the fence leaning towards no (rather than a hard no). In any case, found that when my youngest was around 2, that longing really went away and I no longer wanted to go “back to start” — so it may be a feeling that eases naturally as youngest gets older.

It also helped to be reminded I was going to grieve my last no matter how many kids I had.

My longing for a third did not go away (and we had one) but my desire for a fourth was(is) more manageable. Agree that some people will always grieve being done. Not everyone. But I think it is well within the range of normal. In my case it has been helpful to reflect and I know that the desire to bring another tiny person into the world is nothing to what it was last time. This time, it is more nostalgic than it is a desire to have another person at my table however many years down the road.

If OP is really that intensely grieving for a fourth, though, that’s valid and that’s hard. I’m sorry. I don’t think it’s easy to be talked out of these feelings, even when you’re overruled.

Thank you ❤️

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re always going to feel sad when you’re done having babies. The grief and sadness and longing for another is normal and part of the process. But you also have to be realistic about your life, your partner, and your kids. Therapy is great for working through these feelings. Most people don’t get the family they dreamed of in the way they dreamed it. It’s normal to grieve this.

Super helpful thanks and thanks for validating!

My youngest of 5 just turned 3 and this is so true. I would drown with a 6th but the closing of a door is wistful. Biology!!

[Anonymous]

I’m in a similar boat, OP, except my husband is the one who keeps dropping hints about another baby. It’s a no from me, dog. Our toddler wears me out, I just turned 40, and I’m still chubby from my last pregnancy. No thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Had a fourth then a fifth. We’ve had conversations about each. Love our family. It’s ok to keep talking. People change their minds. I did.

How did you go from “clear NO” to clear yes, twice?

I don’t think it was ever crystal “clear” either way. It’s all a jumble of shifting preferences and priorities, feelings, biology and health, love, chaos, chance and openness to the unknown, watching other families, thinking about how you want your future to look, and a leap of faith.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Had a fourth then a fifth. We’ve had conversations about each. Love our family. It’s ok to keep talking. People change their minds. I did.

How did you go from “clear NO” to clear yes, twice?

I don’t think it was ever crystal “clear” either way. It’s all a jumble of shifting preferences and priorities, feelings, biology and health, love, chaos, chance and openness to the unknown, watching other families, thinking about how you want your future to look, and a leap of faith.

But OP is in a “clear” no situation. OP needs help coping with reality.

[Anonymous]

My surprise 4th is the best gift I’ve ever received. The BEST!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pursue what? Your partner does not want any more children. You already have three. I'd seek therapy if I were you for your "grieving."

+1

[Anonymous]

What is you HHI? How old are your kids? How old are you?

We have 3 and I always wanted 4. Covid years were a doozy with 3 and it took me a long time to think I was ready for a 4th. By the time I was ready I was 40 and thought I was too old. So we have 3 and I am thankful.

We could easily afford a 4th (HHI in the high 6 digits) but it is expensive! So think about that too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pursue what? Your partner does not want any more children. You already have three. I'd seek therapy if I were you for your "grieving."

Why is “grieving” in quotation marks? Do you not think that it is real? Otherwise your comment would have been helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My surprise 4th is the best gift I’ve ever received. The BEST!

Beautiful!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My surprise 4th is the best gift I’ve ever received. The BEST!

Odd response to a grieving OP because she cannot have a 4th

[Anonymous]

Sometimes people change their minds. I changed my mind from a hard NO on this very question, so I should know. Now we're expecting #4. If this is important to OP, keep discussing with your spouse—you never know. Or perhaps you'll be the one to change your mind. But communication is key. Try to understand each other's perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes people change their minds. I changed my mind from a hard NO on this very question, so I should know. Now we're expecting #4. If this is important to OP, keep discussing with your spouse—you never know. Or perhaps you'll be the one to change your mind. But communication is key. Try to understand each other's perspective.

Great advice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My surprise 4th is the best gift I’ve ever received. The BEST!

Odd response to a grieving OP because she cannot have a 4th

Isn’t op contemplating a 4th? I just reread the post, and it seems like she’s looking to hear from people who had a 4th.

Regardless, this is dcum…where you can just throw out your two cents or any reaction to a post. I stand by my btdt testimony.

PS - accidents/surprises happen (especially as you age and cycles become erratic).