I don’t want to travel with my parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WHY does she refuse to travel with the elderly husband?

Is it a health reason?

As I said in my OP, they don’t get along in general, but she’s very resentful of him. She doesn’t want that much togetherness with him, won’t travel alone, has no friends to travel with, and so, wants us to solve that problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just dodge and weave here — you don’t make some long term announcement and you don’t tell her that she won’t like the trip or be able to do it. She will just argue with you about that.

You can either not mention the trip or just say that this trip is just for your nuclear family. And then just ignore her complaints and comments.

And is there truly not anywhere within a two hour drive that she would like? Would she like to stay in a fancy hotel and get a pedicure? Would she like a small, cute town with some good shopping? Would she like the greenbrier? Or Williamsburg? It sounds like you could throw in a trip for her and you and maybe the kids that is 1 or 2 nights.

I think this is a good idea. Find somewhere "close" that avoids flying and a long drive. Find a 4 day weekend and see if 1 or both kids will join you. Hopefully that will give her a few meals with all of you, she can stay behind at the hotel if your kids want to do something active and it gives her a short break from grandpa.

Although Williamsburg was a lot more walking than I expected and very hot when we went, so maybe not good for someone with mobility issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WHY does she refuse to travel with the elderly husband?

Is it a health reason?

As I said in my OP, they don’t get along in general, but she’s very resentful of him. She doesn’t want that much togetherness with him, won’t travel alone, has no friends to travel with, and so, wants us to solve that problem.

I've seen these senior travel groups, where you just pay and show up. They handle all the logistics and you have a built in group to be friendly with. They are aware their target age group may have mobility issues or directional challenges (showing back up at the bus after an afternoon somewhere). So they herd the group while staying together, and are a bit more likely to chase down any travelers who wandered off. If there's a show, they line them up and hand them their ticket as they enter the venue (so no chance of losing them or leaving them back at the hotel).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WHY does she refuse to travel with the elderly husband?

Is it a health reason?

As I said in my OP, they don’t get along in general, but she’s very resentful of him. She doesn’t want that much togetherness with him, won’t travel alone, has no friends to travel with, and so, wants us to solve that problem.

And he does want to travel and is capable of traveling/ self sufficient?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WHY does she refuse to travel with the elderly husband?

Is it a health reason?

As I said in my OP, they don’t get along in general, but she’s very resentful of him. She doesn’t want that much togetherness with him, won’t travel alone, has no friends to travel with, and so, wants us to solve that problem.

And he does want to travel and is capable of traveling/ self sufficient?

Yes.

-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WHY does she refuse to travel with the elderly husband?

Is it a health reason?

As I said in my OP, they don’t get along in general, but she’s very resentful of him. She doesn’t want that much togetherness with him, won’t travel alone, has no friends to travel with, and so, wants us to solve that problem.

I've seen these senior travel groups, where you just pay and show up. They handle all the logistics and you have a built in group to be friendly with. They are aware their target age group may have mobility issues or directional challenges (showing back up at the bus after an afternoon somewhere). So they heard the group while staying together, and are a bit more likely to chase down any travelers who wandered off. If there's a show, they line them up and hand them their ticket as they enter the venue (so no chance of losing them or leaving them back at the hotel).

This is a great option but I have a feeling she won’t be receptive, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Take your family vacation somewhere active that is beyond your mom's limits. Exaggerate how physically difficult it will be if necessary.

Ask your mom what her dream trip is--where has she always wanted to go. Then go with her, just the two of you, so that she has that one golden memory. Go at her pace, and adjust your mindset to this is HER vacation.

Remember that she also wants to build some memories of her grandchildren before they leave home. Maybe take a family weekend to somewhere she'd enjoy (beach, New York City to see a musical, Williamsburg, etc.)

[Anonymous]

Just say no. That is a complete sentence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WHY does she refuse to travel with the elderly husband?

Is it a health reason?

As I said in my OP, they don’t get along in general, but she’s very resentful of him. She doesn’t want that much togetherness with him, won’t travel alone, has no friends to travel with, and so, wants us to solve that problem.

This is not your problem to solve. Your mother wants a staff who will cater to her, fawn over her and do whatever she wants. She doesn’t have friends because who would put up with that behavior. You mentioned that she keeps saying this is her fantasy. Well she’s right it’s a fantasy not reality.

Don’t let this person rob you of enjoyable time with your children!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need help.

I’ve come to the realization that my mother doesn’t love my father, at least not in the way one is supposed to love their spouse. They don’t enjoy each other’s company. They have no shared interests. They just exist in the same house together.

The thing is, my mother thinks she wants to travel, and she’s attempting to glom on to my nuclear family vacations to make it happen. Only, the last time (probably three times, but for sure the last time) we traveled with her joining us, we vowed never again. She’s just not a good traveler, I don’t think she actually enjoys herself, she just clings to the idea that she will. She’s slow, which in an of itself isn’t a problem, but her attitude towards walking/being tired/being hot aren’t fair when it was her choice/suggestion to do the thing that is making her tired/hot. She doesn’t accept her limitations and it makes the trip miserable for everyone else.

My DH and I already struggle to make family vacations happen with jobs and teens. We are happy if we get a week off together, and cruel as it sounds, I don’t want to spend it catering to my mother who refuses to accept that she can’t do the things she used to do—she has a heart condition and arthritis she refuses to treat.

Also, selfishly, I only have a couple more guaranteed summers with my kids. I also do realize I only have a limited number of years with my mom, but I don’t want to spend them doing things that end up being miserable for everyone, just because it was something we used to enjoy.

She’s planting seeds that she wants to travel with us again soon. Today she told me it’s her “fantasy” to take a trip together. What flashes before my eyes is my 16yo, and how we only have two guaranteed summer vacations with her, if that. It makes me sad to think that, to please my mom, I might give up one of them.

FWIW, we traveled with my parents frequently before we had kids and while they were elementary aged. It was fun and enjoyable. But then something shifted, and even though we’ve tried three more times post-shift, it seems this is the way they are now.

How do I break it to my mom that it’s likely not going to happen?

They both sound too old and set in their ways to travel now.

To go from all traveling together great before kids and during elementary aged kids, to trying again three times and it “not going well” (whatever that means) sounds like one ore more big things changed with them. In the last 3-5 years.

What changed? Besides your kids now being teens and likely wanting active trips or trips with friends or screens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do a separate trip just you and your mom. This way she gets to travel, and you pick a length and type of trip that will be suitable for her.

Plenty of us in the sandwich generation do this, and it works out well.

This.