Happily married. Also find myself fantasizing about cheating.

[Anonymous]

Avoid him, especially bring alone.

It is a dangerous flame to feed.

[Anonymous]

It's not about your crush. It's about you. You and your hormones are creating a SIM world that is fueling your needed at the moment lift of self esteem. Engaging in fantasy or limerence moves you out of the ordinary and into a realm of being wanted and admired- and there's nothing really wrong with that. We all know that feeling, if we are settled and happily married won't happen again, you both are comfortable with each other's flaws and good things. We also know that the passionate affairs are limited- they all move into the comfortable zone or end. So, instead of reading bodice rippers, you are just creative and writing one in your head. It supplies lots of dopamine for the ordinary times, the ordinary life, the ordinary day.
It gets dangerous if you act on it, though, because it isn't reality in any sense of the word.
And the way to get out of that head space is to think what life would really be like without your spouse. I mean, what it would really be like- follow yourself through a whole real day (*think about your grooming and bathrooming stuff, laundry, that weird rash or whatever you have, your neuroticisms, anger, eating, etc.) and consider how much of that would you be comfortable with this object of your crush actually seeing. ( Vice Versa, too) Not a lot. It's a fun movie, not life.

[Anonymous]

Flick the bean and move on. What do you think the rest of us are doing?

[Anonymous]

Have your fling and move on. Leave no traces.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Flick the bean and move on. What do you think the rest of us are doing?

Wow, thanks, I laughed out loud. (not OP).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s great, just enjoy it and channel the physical energy into sex with your spouse. Crushes are fun.

This. And close your eyes and imagine the other guy during sexy times with your husband. Your husband will definitey wonder what got into you. Lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Flick the bean and move on. What do you think the rest of us are doing?

and moan...don't forget to moan...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am happily married and have random crushes on men all of the time. I always have since being a teenager and I’m over 50 now. Just stop obsessing over this one guy and look for other men to crush over too. It’s attraction but meaningless since I just acknowledge it to myself and move on.

OP here. Can you expand more on this? I'm the sort of person who just doesn't really think of other men like that, since I'm married. Maybe a celebrity or something, but since I married my husband, it's like I turned off the part of my brain/body that process attraction to other men. Like in the same way you might just shut down attraction to your BIL or your best friend's spouse, because it's not acceptable.

This crush took me by surprise but I don't even know where to start thinking about crushing on other men. Most men I meet are dads of my kids' classmates and friends and I have no interest. My current crush was someone I met by happenstance who is totally outside my social circle. I think that was part of it. He met me as just a woman he'd never met before, not as "Larlo's mom" or "Jay's wife" or whatever. It's like he got to see a side of me most people don't see because I am normally in these roles/boxes that allow people to easily categorize me.

Yes. Be careful OP. Very very careful. Although, for me, once I realized I had feelings for my (soon to be) AP there wasn't a doubt in my mind that I would act on it.

[Anonymous]

No you're not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am happily married and have random crushes on men all of the time. I always have since being a teenager and I’m over 50 now. Just stop obsessing over this one guy and look for other men to crush over too. It’s attraction but meaningless since I just acknowledge it to myself and move on.

OP here. Can you expand more on this? I'm the sort of person who just doesn't really think of other men like that, since I'm married. Maybe a celebrity or something, but since I married my husband, it's like I turned off the part of my brain/body that process attraction to other men. Like in the same way you might just shut down attraction to your BIL or your best friend's spouse, because it's not acceptable.

This crush took me by surprise but I don't even know where to start thinking about crushing on other men. Most men I meet are dads of my kids' classmates and friends and I have no interest. My current crush was someone I met by happenstance who is totally outside my social circle. I think that was part of it. He met me as just a woman he'd never met before, not as "Larlo's mom" or "Jay's wife" or whatever. It's like he got to see a side of me most people don't see because I am normally in these roles/boxes that allow people to easily categorize me.

Yes. Be careful OP. Very very careful. Although, for me, once I realized I had feelings for my (soon to be) AP there wasn't a doubt in my mind that I would act on it.

This is a reflection of your lack of self control and love for your spouse not some universal truth. Most of us can manage feelings without cheating on our spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My friend got used, dumped and then got caught. Husband divorced her. Older teens didn’t take it well.

Wait, how did she get caught if the guy had already dumped her??

She (the friend) was still married when her AP dumped her.

Her DH found out she had the affair and divorced her because of it.

Yeah. Men are much likelier to file for divorce.

Not a commentary on PP's story, but this is not correct. Women are much more likely to file for divorce -- nearly 70% of divorces are initiated by women.

Women file overall for divorce, but when women cheat it’s always the men that file.

My DH did not file for divorce when I cheated.

I bet it depends a lot on whether or not the wife is still having sex with the husband.

A man might not like the idea of his wife cheating, but if they still have an active sex life, he might be able to chalk it ups to what to him is an understandable desire for variety or struggling with the idea of never having sex with someone new again (many men find those to be understandable feelings).

But if the marriage is dead and then cheating is discovered, the husband is going to feel like a chump and I think is more likely to want to leave. Especially if there is any financial imbalance in the marriage, because he will feel truly cuckolded -- he's supporting a woman who is only having sex with someone else.

With women I think the dynamics are different, and I think women (whether they realize it or not) are more likely to view cheating as unforgivable because of the risk of their husband impregnating another woman. I think the fear that a cheating husband will go start a family with someone else, and thus abandon her family, makes cheating by men feel more dangerous for women. Because you have no control over whether that other woman is using birth control.

I think this is true. I had an emotional affair and my husband was able to drop it pretty easily, mostly because we fixed the marriage and were having a lot of sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have your fling and move on. Leave no traces.

This is terrible advice! What if OP catches serious feelings and dude is just using her for sex? You know how humiliating that is? How much pain she would feel? Not just the broken heart and knowing you were used, but the guilt and shame on top.

No, definitely don’t do this.

[Anonymous]

Ummmm …if you are thinking about someone else, you are not happily married. Sorry to break it to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ummmm …if you are thinking about someone else, you are not happily married. Sorry to break it to you.

This is such a sad and limited attitude. A successful marriage without divorce will last 50 years or more. You don't think you are allowed to *think* about another person in that time, even if you don't act on it? That's a crazy expectation that is more likely to create marital strife than solve it. Let people be human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ummmm …if you are thinking about someone else, you are not happily married. Sorry to break it to you.

This is such a sad and limited attitude. A successful marriage without divorce will last 50 years or more. You don't think you are allowed to *think* about another person in that time, even if you don't act on it? That's a crazy expectation that is more likely to create marital strife than solve it. Let people be human.

NP, but I don’t think of it as limiting at all.

I don’t fantasize about cakes or alcohol or pasta either. I simply don’t eat them or think about them on a regular basis because they aren’t healthy and I choose not to live an unhealthy lifestyle.

I put fantasies about friends, acquaintances, and strangers in the same category. It’s an unhealthy practice so I choose to do healthier things with my mental energy.