Honestly, how do you manage dual income marriage with kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you think a $400K combined household income means that you both have jobs "that don't pay much", then you clearly have a spending problem. When DH and I were making a combined $150K, we had two in daycare and were paying $3500/month for that plus a $2700/month mortgage and still able to save a little money each month.

On your salaries, you should be able to have a full-time nanny.

This is us right now only we are done with daycare so we're able to save a lot more. DH and I have a great relationship though and I feel we are close and in sync. In some ways, I think needing to budget as we do is part of why our relationship is so good at the moment. In order to make this work at the moment, we both need to be open minded, generous, and thoughtful. If one of us is selfish or stops listening or trying, the whole thing comes down. We have some very specific financial and life goals we are working towards right now (that include getting to a point where we don't have to budget so carefully) and working towards that together helps us both feel connected and invested in one another.

[Anonymous]

You make 400k, stop Spending money on nice clothes and cars and hire help.

[Anonymous]

We had a nanny and a weekly housekeeper. Plus, we didn’t have much of a life outside of our three children but we were ok with that. We now have three very successful and happy adult children who are great friends so we must have done something right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you think a $400K combined household income means that you both have jobs "that don't pay much", then you clearly have a spending problem. When DH and I were making a combined $150K, we had two in daycare and were paying $3500/month for that plus a $2700/month mortgage and still able to save a little money each month.

On your salaries, you should be able to have a full-time nanny.

You had a spending issue as your mortgage was way to high as was your child care.

[Anonymous]

One of you need to find another job with no or little travel. I’m serious.

My spouse travels a ton for work. A ton. I used to travel for work and our HHI was in the mid 300s at that time (now higher). My husband’s travel consisted of business class after 5 hours, basically he can pick any airline (within reason if his favorite is thousands more — no) and has invite only status due to how much he travels.

We had enough points and miles from him for our entire family for years. I on the other hand sat in a middle seat in the back of a plane for most of my flights, unless I was going somewhere really rural and took the organizations plane.

It wasn’t sustainable, so we decided together for me to find another job. My spouse also looked for awhile, but they are a bit more niche so senior positions don’t open as often.

I did and am much happier, don’t travel for work and have a way better balance and I make more money. Yes, the other job was “cooler” and I felt I was doing more to make a difference but at what cost? Sometimes you get sucked into your job or career and it isn’t worth it. Not at the expense of your kids.

I don’t do more work at home, but it made it more manageable for everyone. This morning our kid got up early so my husband got up, took him out, got and made us all breakfast and let me sleep in. I have done the same for him.

My spouse also pushed back on the travel. He used to go weekends or if he was meant to be in multiple countries he would stay for two+ weeks and miss weekends. He finally told his boss he won’t miss weekends with the kids anymore. If it’s an emergency or an only flight or something sure but not every time. Asia can be tricky but other than one trip he hasn’t missed a full weekend in the last year. Because of his excellent work product they allow it even though it costs more money.

I think you need to talk with your spouse, get more help and one or both of you need to look for new jobs. People always wanted to talk with me at parties because of what I did before- it felt nice and I did LOVE the work, but really it was like being a zoo animal. Now my work is fine and I make more money but I LOVE that I am more settled, happier, and have more time.

Also, when my spouse travels I’m on duty but when he comes home he is usually on duty that first or second night and morning and I can sleep in or go out or something. We are not tit for tat I don’t say you had 4 nights in Paris so I want 4 nights to do what I want (I am not 3), but we communicate and work together. I also hire more stuff out when he’s away. I call the babysitter more, set up more play dates, bring them to the kids club at the gym, etc. also sometimes that means we get pizza, who cares?!

In the summer when my husband travels we use points for one or two trips for all of us to join. We still need to schedule a lot. Schedule date nights, schedule cleaning out the fridge, but overall it’s much better now that both os is don’t travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of you need to find another job with no or little travel. I’m serious.

My spouse travels a ton for work. A ton. I used to travel for work and our HHI was in the mid 300s at that time (now higher). My husband’s travel consisted of business class after 5 hours, basically he can pick any airline (within reason if his favorite is thousands more — no) and has invite only status due to how much he travels.

We had enough points and miles from him for our entire family for years. I on the other hand sat in a middle seat in the back of a plane for most of my flights, unless I was going somewhere really rural and took the organizations plane.

It wasn’t sustainable, so we decided together for me to find another job. My spouse also looked for awhile, but they are a bit more niche so senior positions don’t open as often.

I did and am much happier, don’t travel for work and have a way better balance and I make more money. Yes, the other job was “cooler” and I felt I was doing more to make a difference but at what cost? Sometimes you get sucked into your job or career and it isn’t worth it. Not at the expense of your kids.

I don’t do more work at home, but it made it more manageable for everyone. This morning our kid got up early so my husband got up, took him out, got and made us all breakfast and let me sleep in. I have done the same for him.

My spouse also pushed back on the travel. He used to go weekends or if he was meant to be in multiple countries he would stay for two+ weeks and miss weekends. He finally told his boss he won’t miss weekends with the kids anymore. If it’s an emergency or an only flight or something sure but not every time. Asia can be tricky but other than one trip he hasn’t missed a full weekend in the last year. Because of his excellent work product they allow it even though it costs more money.

I think you need to talk with your spouse, get more help and one or both of you need to look for new jobs. People always wanted to talk with me at parties because of what I did before- it felt nice and I did LOVE the work, but really it was like being a zoo animal. Now my work is fine and I make more money but I LOVE that I am more settled, happier, and have more time.

Also, when my spouse travels I’m on duty but when he comes home he is usually on duty that first or second night and morning and I can sleep in or go out or something. We are not tit for tat I don’t say you had 4 nights in Paris so I want 4 nights to do what I want (I am not 3), but we communicate and work together. I also hire more stuff out when he’s away. I call the babysitter more, set up more play dates, bring them to the kids club at the gym, etc. also sometimes that means we get pizza, who cares?!

In the summer when my husband travels we use points for one or two trips for all of us to join. We still need to schedule a lot. Schedule date nights, schedule cleaning out the fridge, but overall it’s much better now that both os is don’t travel.

Not OP but sounds like you've made some good decisions and have a good marriage!

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I quit working for someone else and started a part time business because if I’m not available for sex 4 days a week at least, DH would want another relationship.

I had to call him out in a major way for bullying me over this years ago when I asked him to take one day off of work to help me out at home, but he’s not a jerk when he’s getting laid often enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: The problem is, we work long hours and travel a lot for work.

It’s this. The couples I know where the wife works long hours and travels for works they have some combination of an au pair with access to a car, parents live in the area and are willing to help out with the kids regularly, the spouse has a very flexible job or is a SAHD. Usually it’s a combination of at least two of those things, like he has a flexible job and they have an au pair. You also have to limit the kid activities to something reasonable logistically. They can have interest but it shouldn’t be this heavy commitment and complex logistics at a young age. You don’t want to need to bring two kids different places multiple times during the work week for an activity they might not even be involved in a few years from now if this is causing stress for you or in the marriage.

The other option is for one of both of you to find jobs with more flexibility - more 9-5 hours, or less travel etc., but that’s a much bigger discussion because it can have salary or career growth implications. Also, it might not be a field where people can switch to one thing, like less travel, and then make a different decision a few years from now without missing a beat. I’ve seen couples sort of alternate who has the job with long hours/travel but that assumes when they switch, the person that had their career take a back seat can ramp up and the person that ramped up can find something more flexible that still allows the couple to meet their financial budget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you think a $400K combined household income means that you both have jobs "that don't pay much", then you clearly have a spending problem. When DH and I were making a combined $150K, we had two in daycare and were paying $3500/month for that plus a $2700/month mortgage and still able to save a little money each month.

On your salaries, you should be able to have a full-time nanny.

+1. Our HHI is only like 300 K, and we made sure to have both a full-time nanny (including some cooking, laundry, babysitting) and a weekly house cleaner and people to do yardwork the entire time our kids were growing up. You don’t need to hire a house manager – you want to do this yourself. You can absolutely outsource most everything else, though. That’s what your incomes are for!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you think a $400K combined household income means that you both have jobs "that don't pay much", then you clearly have a spending problem. When DH and I were making a combined $150K, we had two in daycare and were paying $3500/month for that plus a $2700/month mortgage and still able to save a little money each month.

On your salaries, you should be able to have a full-time nanny.

You had a spending issue as your mortgage was way to high as was your child care.

3500 for two kids is very reasonable/cheap for this area.

[Anonymous]

Two working parents is very, very doable if you don’t choose to take these high travel/unpredictable hours types jobs. Sounds like you care too much about prestige.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You hire help.

Full time help age 0-5 kids
Afternoon help age 6-10
Housekeeper driver thereafter

That or live near grandparents who pitch in a lot. Especially with long travel trips.

[Anonymous]

You hire help and you prioritize your marriage over kids sports/activities/whatever.

We screwed up by not hiring help and prioritizing the kids activities. We spent our weekends going in different directions so the kids could play sports. We were too exhausted to do date nights during the week (plus the kids had homework, practice, etc.).

Here we are at 50 and we’ve grown apart.

Friends and family with a SAHM are much happier than we are.

[Anonymous]

You could both grow up. You're married, not a sexy bf and gf anymore. Also, 400k HHI is a lot of money, even in DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you think a $400K combined household income means that you both have jobs "that don't pay much", then you clearly have a spending problem. When DH and I were making a combined $150K, we had two in daycare and were paying $3500/month for that plus a $2700/month mortgage and still able to save a little money each month.

On your salaries, you should be able to have a full-time nanny.

You had a spending issue as your mortgage was way to high as was your child care.

3500 for two kids is very reasonable/cheap for this area.

+1 and 2700 for mortgage is smart if it enabled them to buy something close in because if this was anytime in the last 20 years, that home appreciated well and they got great earned equity out of it. Or maybe it was farther out but paid off. A mortgage is not too high as long as you can make the payments and the house holds value, as it's a form of savings with potential for investment returns as well. It was especially a no brainer when rates were low, it's a trickier proposition now. But if people can make that happen on a 150k income, it's one of the best things they can do with their money.