sharing care responsibilities with a sibling

[Anonymous]

I have 2 siblings. Thankfully we are close. But we don't completely agree on how the care of our mother should be handled. What we do agree on is not letting our relationship be ruined due to the care of our mother. So we discuss, and everyone generally makes compromises.

Care falls into 2 primary categories: Time and Money. The time it takes to carry out all that needs to be done, and the money it takes to pay for it all. For most people this is a toxic combination because not having enough time already and not having enough money already before adding "mom" to the mix is already a difficult situation.

All siblings need to respect that everyone has different challenges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. This is OP. I will try one more time, and I promise to stop asking if I am still not making sense to people.

I am not trying to look for ways to outsource (I know how and am doing that to the extent it makes sense). I am not looking for advice on whether or not mom should be doing some of the tasks herself. I want to have a productive conversation with my brother on (1) aligning on the list of things with which mom needs help (and it is ok if my brother thinks she does not need help with many (or any) tasks - that will make his opinion clear to me); and (2) if we agree that there are things mom needs and objectively cannot do herself, how to split them up.

We both help financially, equally overall. I do not want my brother to think that helping financially is enough. I do not want to be the sole person bearing other care, now or in the future. And I am asking if there is advice on how to have a productive conversation. Thank you so much.

If money is all he is wiling to offer, you either outsource or do it yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. This is helpful advice for me: do not have an idealistic expectation that brother will agree to a master list and a perpetual commitment to take on tasks x, y and z. Do not expect a cathartic talk. Discuss specific needs. I will just need to be careful not to become the default “manager”. Thanks very much for this, sincerely.

Many of you got stuck on what a “typical” 68 year old should be able to do. That line of commenting was neither sought nor helpful.

Op, it’s pretty clear why your brother avoids dealing with you given your selective hearing and pig headedness. Good luck having a productive conversation and enjoy potentially spending your next 30 +years being the primary caregiver to your mom, whether she needs it or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. This is helpful advice for me: do not have an idealistic expectation that brother will agree to a master list and a perpetual commitment to take on tasks x, y and z. Do not expect a cathartic talk. Discuss specific needs. I will just need to be careful not to become the default “manager”. Thanks very much for this, sincerely.

Many of you got stuck on what a “typical” 68 year old should be able to do. That line of commenting was neither sought nor helpful.

But it is relevant given that you want brother to take on more, and you are not happy that he is not being responsive. THIS could be why. But you don't seem to care about that. You just want him to do what you want him to do. I can assure you this will not go well moving forward if you have unrealistic expectations of what is needed.

And if the majority of us are so off base, then why are we wrong? If you wanted better answers you would need to explain why your plan is warranted. Then we could help come up with a talk track for how to take those facts and approach your brother.

+1 Team brother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. This is helpful advice for me: do not have an idealistic expectation that brother will agree to a master list and a perpetual commitment to take on tasks x, y and z. Do not expect a cathartic talk. Discuss specific needs. I will just need to be careful not to become the default “manager”. Thanks very much for this, sincerely.

Many of you got stuck on what a “typical” 68 year old should be able to do. That line of commenting was neither sought nor helpful.

Op, it’s pretty clear why your brother avoids dealing with you given your selective hearing and pig headedness. Good luck having a productive conversation and enjoy potentially spending your next 30 +years being the primary caregiver to your mom, whether she needs it or not.

This. OP, if you respond with hostility to even the mildest pushback or questioning, then your brother will continue to avoid dealing with you. Look at yourself and see how you are causing this problem.

[Anonymous]

OP - the 68 part, we don't believe you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. This is helpful advice for me: do not have an idealistic expectation that brother will agree to a master list and a perpetual commitment to take on tasks x, y and z. Do not expect a cathartic talk. Discuss specific needs. I will just need to be careful not to become the default “manager”. Thanks very much for this, sincerely.

Many of you got stuck on what a “typical” 68 year old should be able to do. That line of commenting was neither sought nor helpful.

But it is relevant given that you want brother to take on more, and you are not happy that he is not being responsive. THIS could be why. But you don't seem to care about that. You just want him to do what you want him to do. I can assure you this will not go well moving forward if you have unrealistic expectations of what is needed.

And if the majority of us are so off base, then why are we wrong? If you wanted better answers you would need to explain why your plan is warranted. Then we could help come up with a talk track for how to take those facts and approach your brother.

I agree with this. Does she have unique health issues or something? My dad is 76. No help required, except once for a few weeks for a surgery and that was years ago. That’s is why no one understands. Maybe you are enabling her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. This is helpful advice for me: do not have an idealistic expectation that brother will agree to a master list and a perpetual commitment to take on tasks x, y and z. Do not expect a cathartic talk. Discuss specific needs. I will just need to be careful not to become the default “manager”. Thanks very much for this, sincerely.

Many of you got stuck on what a “typical” 68 year old should be able to do. That line of commenting was neither sought nor helpful.

But it is relevant given that you want brother to take on more, and you are not happy that he is not being responsive. THIS could be why. But you don't seem to care about that. You just want him to do what you want him to do. I can assure you this will not go well moving forward if you have unrealistic expectations of what is needed.

And if the majority of us are so off base, then why are we wrong? If you wanted better answers you would need to explain why your plan is warranted. Then we could help come up with a talk track for how to take those facts and approach your brother.

I agree with this. Does she have unique health issues or something? My dad is 76. No help required, except once for a few weeks for a surgery and that was years ago. That’s is why no one understands. Maybe you are enabling her.

I think this is the heart of what most PPs believe. And since Mom is lonely and wants companionship, then the best way to get it is to "need help." Or she had a husband who took care of everything before, now, widowed, she is expecting kids to step in. I had a grandmother like this. She would have been about 59. Her kid said, Nope, you have to step up. And she did. Lived nearly 50 more years and learning to be independent served her well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. This is helpful advice for me: do not have an idealistic expectation that brother will agree to a master list and a perpetual commitment to take on tasks x, y and z. Do not expect a cathartic talk. Discuss specific needs. I will just need to be careful not to become the default “manager”. Thanks very much for this, sincerely.

Many of you got stuck on what a “typical” 68 year old should be able to do. That line of commenting was neither sought nor helpful.

I think the problem is that you've already appointed yourself the manager by making the list-that-may-not-be-questioned of what needs to be done, by deciding that the list needs to be split 50/50, by deciding that nothing may be outsourced, and by deciding that financial contributions don't count. You just don't want to do the work you created. I'm thinking your brother's view is you broke it, you own it.

[Anonymous]

I agree about the enabling, only because I did it with my mom and it was miserable. As children we should make sure our elderly loved ones are safe but we can’t make them happy. OP it sounds like you have a codependent relationship with your mom. She’s relying on you for companionship and all of these tasks she can’t do are probably for attention. BTDT.

You should be focused on getting her around her peers. Maybe your brother can help out that way, by encouraging her to move somewhere there are no gutters and lawn to take care of, and someone to help with IT stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. This is helpful advice for me: do not have an idealistic expectation that brother will agree to a master list and a perpetual commitment to take on tasks x, y and z. Do not expect a cathartic talk. Discuss specific needs. I will just need to be careful not to become the default “manager”. Thanks very much for this, sincerely.

Many of you got stuck on what a “typical” 68 year old should be able to do. That line of commenting was neither sought nor helpful.

Your brother is already signaling he has the opinion that many of us have: you are enabling her helplessness.

You have taken on the manager role already, managing her imaginary “needs.” You can back out slowly but that is going to be messy. You created this problem, though, so you have to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

OP you remind me of my sibling. They established a codependent relationship early on which resulted in a very unhealthy parent child dynamic. My sibling relied on my parent to fund their lifestyle choices and my parent relied on my sibling to make choices for them and provide companionship. Once my parent needed more than the sibling was willing to do, and the financial resources became limited, my sibling decided everyone else should do more. My sibling also wanted to have “conversations”, but these conversations were simply them dictating to everyone else and deciding that their way was best and everyone else should fall in line. Never mind that we didn’t agree with the decisions that were already made or that we all voiced our concerns for years, but those concerns fell on deaf ears. What I am saying OP is that you may want to consider if you really want your brother’s help or if you simply want him under your control like your mother.