Situation with best friend’s mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess the question is, why ARE you doing so much?

Another question is: why does your daughter only have one friend?

Obviously, she has more than just this friend, but this is her best friend and the one that she wants to spend the most time with in her limited time off from school and activities. And she sees her school friends plenty and her sports friends plenty. She does not go to the same school as her best friend, and they do not have any sports together, so when she has downtime this is the friend she wants to be with the most. How is that not understandable? I’m not gonna constantly suggest she do things with another friend that she doesn’t want to be with as much as her Bestie.
-OP

You need to get a grip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You decide how much you are willing to host. You do that. You tell your daughter that not everyone is the same and some families just do not have the energy to host.

This. Do not try to compensate for her lack of effort. Do just what you are comfortable with in terms of hosting etc.

[Anonymous]

This has nothing to do with your relationship with the other mother. It's about your relationship with your child.
Does your child want to do the activities with her friend? Can you make it happen? If yes, that's what you do. If not, then you say "not this time".
Your daughter will remember everything that you do for her and not what someone else's mother didnt do.
My oldest had a friend (met in K) who basically lived with us on weekends starting in middle school. She spent weeks on summer vacation with us, joined us for extended family celebrations, etc. It was clear, early on that her mom was not going to "reciprocate" but I was never looking for that. I was just making my daughter happy. The girls are still best best friends, like sisters, they even shared an apartment (they are 25 now) for a while after college until one moved to a different city.
The mom and I initially were friendly but she does her thing and we chat when we run into each other but that's it.
TLDR: Do your best for your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people never fully bounce back after cancer and chemo even though they're in remission. Try to give her some grace and keep inviting the kid.

I agree with this, and it’s how you could explain things to your daughter. She’s old enough, this it too long to keep a secret from her, and your daughter is the one to whom you owe loyalty, honesty, and respect.

I wouldn't mention the cancer if you can avoid it. You can just say everyone has different every levels and tolerance for being "on" to host, even the most people guests

Your daughter's friend can decide if she wants to tell your daughter. The friend may be so thankful to have one friend in her life who doesn't know and act weird around her and her mom. It puts you in a tough place, but better you to be in that place than your daughter feeling like she needs to beat the burden of knowing something she can't talk about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess the question is, why ARE you doing so much?

Another question is: why does your daughter only have one friend?

Obviously, she has more than just this friend, but this is her best friend and the one that she wants to spend the most time with in her limited time off from school and activities. And she sees her school friends plenty and her sports friends plenty. She does not go to the same school as her best friend, and they do not have any sports together, so when she has downtime this is the friend she wants to be with the most. How is that not understandable? I’m not gonna constantly suggest she do things with another friend that she doesn’t want to be with as much as her Bestie.
-OP

So you either support her in her friendship with “Bestie” (blech), or you don’t. Which is it?

You’re acting like it’s really taxing or expensive to invite a kid over to play and set one more place at the table for spaghetti night or whatever. It’s not. You’re just a bean-counter. You are weird. If you don’t want to do complicated or expensive things, don’t. But don’t act put upon if a couple of tweens want to hang out at home and maybe go wild and make a batch of Rice Krispie treats. You are really weird and dramatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people never fully bounce back after cancer and chemo even though they're in remission. Try to give her some grace and keep inviting the kid.

I agree with this, and it’s how you could explain things to your daughter. She’s old enough, this it too long to keep a secret from her, and your daughter is the one to whom you owe loyalty, honesty, and respect.

I wouldn't mention the cancer if you can avoid it. You can just say everyone has different every levels and tolerance for being "on" to host, even the most people guests

Your daughter's friend can decide if she wants to tell your daughter. The friend may be so thankful to have one friend in her life who doesn't know and act weird around her and her mom. It puts you in a tough place, but better you to be in that place than your daughter feeling like she needs to beat the burden of knowing something she can't talk about.

Even the most people guests

Should say polite guests

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess the question is, why ARE you doing so much?

Another question is: why does your daughter only have one friend?

Obviously, she has more than just this friend, but this is her best friend and the one that she wants to spend the most time with in her limited time off from school and activities. And she sees her school friends plenty and her sports friends plenty. She does not go to the same school as her best friend, and they do not have any sports together, so when she has downtime this is the friend she wants to be with the most. How is that not understandable? I’m not gonna constantly suggest she do things with another friend that she doesn’t want to be with as much as her Bestie.
-OP

So you either support her in her friendship with “Bestie” (blech), or you don’t. Which is it?

You’re acting like it’s really taxing or expensive to invite a kid over to play and set one more place at the table for spaghetti night or whatever. It’s not. You’re just a bean-counter. You are weird. If you don’t want to do complicated or expensive things, don’t. But don’t act put upon if a couple of tweens want to hang out at home and maybe go wild and make a batch of Rice Krispie treats. You are really weird and dramatic.

And you’re a peach

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You decide how much you are willing to host. You do that. You tell your daughter that not everyone is the same and some families just do not have the energy to host.

How is that fair? Hosting can be as simple as picking up my child and having her Accompany them to Chick-fil-A dinner one night. Or drop them off at a movie and then pick them up and bring my child home. That is not exerting energy “hosting” - that’s just being polite to reciprocate.
-OP

Either you want your kid to be friends with this kid or not.

It's not tit for tat.

If the friendship is a healthy one then you do your job and stop worrying about what others do.

Stop being a judgemental fool. i would always rather be the parent that hosts every single time.

Why did you have kids?

[Anonymous]

For those of you acting like OP is wrong for not wanting some reciprocation, do you really invite kids places with yours over and over again and never get resentful or wonder why? You just keep doing it for the joy it brings?
I have an only ( tween) and she likes doing things with friends. So I invite. But I do think it would be the right thing to do for the other parent to reciprocate occasionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those of you acting like OP is wrong for not wanting some reciprocation, do you really invite kids places with yours over and over again and never get resentful or wonder why? You just keep doing it for the joy it brings?
I have an only ( tween) and she likes doing things with friends. So I invite. But I do think it would be the right thing to do for the other parent to reciprocate occasionally.

I understand OP’s feelings, but she’s adamant that she wants her daughter to be able to hang out with her “Bestie.” So you put the priority on your daughter, and you invite the kid over. Then you shut up with the complaining because you’re making a choice you don’t have to make. It’s really not that complicated.

Feel the feeling, sure. But then make the choice, live the choice, and stop with the whining about your own damn choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd tell my kid the real reason.

"Ella's mom is lazy. That's why she never lets Ella have friends over." Because that's the real reason.

Or she has debilitating anxiety where she can barely leave the house. Or the aftercare medication makes her feel like shit. Or the cancer is back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP depending on type and stage of cancer and the treatment that got her into remission, your child’s bestie’s mom might never regain her precancer health and energy levels, she remains immune compromised within a few years of having cancer and treatment and she is absolutely right to limit the kid traffic in her home because kids of all ages are Petri dishes of communicable disease.

And yes, if she has diminished energy and needs to manage her stress, she should be focusing her all on her own family and not on hosting playdates.

And her daughter should not be blamed nor should you be judging her mother or making snark comments to your kid.

Be grateful you’ve not had cancer thus far in your life. Show some grace.

Thank you. I can’t imagine complaining about this.

I’ve had cancer twice. Both times with kids in middle school. Anyone who hasn’t had cancer should stfu about how it’s been two years so it’s not relevant. It is to many people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why posters are missing the point that OP is saying her daughter feels slighted for never being invited over to friends house.

Frankly, I wonder if the bff hasn't already confided in daughter, but told the daughter you can't tell anyone, and she has honored that.

OP, is your daughter upset, or is it just you who are tired of always hosting. And you seem to do a lot of work for it. That is great, except for the fact that you resent it. Let the girls figure out what to do on their own.

Yes, she often asks why can’t I go to their house or sleep over there? I feel she is missing out on learning how to be a gracious guest, how to interact with others in their home, and manage herself without one of her parents for a night. These are milestones IMO she should get to experience as well.
-OP

You can’t put all of that on one friend. It’s not your daughter’s best friend’s job to train her on how to act as a guest. Explain to your daughter why she can’t sleep over. Her mother is not up to it.

[Anonymous]

Has your DD complained to you? Since kids are usually pretty honest, I am surprised your DD has mentioned to her friend, “Let’s play at your house tomorrow.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why posters are missing the point that OP is saying her daughter feels slighted for never being invited over to friends house.

Frankly, I wonder if the bff hasn't already confided in daughter, but told the daughter you can't tell anyone, and she has honored that.

OP, is your daughter upset, or is it just you who are tired of always hosting. And you seem to do a lot of work for it. That is great, except for the fact that you resent it. Let the girls figure out what to do on their own.

Yes, she often asks why can’t I go to their house or sleep over there? I feel she is missing out on learning how to be a gracious guest, how to interact with others in their home, and manage herself without one of her parents for a night. These are milestones IMO she should get to experience as well.
-OP

Well, in light of this important update, I think you should tell your DD that her Bestie is not a suitable friend because she is not fulfilling the obligations laid out above, and she should move on to other friends.