Help! My mother is out of control. :(

[Anonymous]

Well, okay, not really *out of control*, but going crazy over my dad's GF. They have been divorced for over 20 years but also live in close proximity to one another, and so can see what's going on with one another. They even help each other out with some things still (well, more my dad than she, but when my dad had knee surgery, he stayed in the living room and my mom cared for him). They have absolutely no romantic feelings (trust me), but since my dad has been dating this woman, I have felt stuck in the middle. My mom has a way of making me feel like things are my fault. Recently, this has been in the form of making digs about how "close" new GF and I are because DD (who is TWO) was talking about her to my mom. As if we spend every weekend together. DD was referring to something that happened months ago and somehow made an impression on her. In reality, we only see this woman once in awhile, and DD stays with my mom way more than anyone else. I'm not "close" with new GF, but I like her, am glad my dad is happy for now, and am not going to shut her out of my and DD's life because my mom, who's never met her, seems to have a problem with their relationship. I love my mom, but she has a hard time thinking rationally about some things and has always pinned things on me. I remember her doing this in the past when my dad had other GF's, but he hasn't had one for this long recently. I wish she could find someone too, but she doesn't really do social situations and I honestly can't see anyone fitting into her life at this point.

So, how to handle this? When she writes these emails, I just delete and don't address it. I know she is trying to get a reaction out of me and I don't want to feed the indulgence. Maybe if she makes a comment to me in person, I could say something like, "I'm just not interested in discussing dad's sex life, frankly, it has nothing to do with how close we are. If you have real insecurities you'd like to address as two mature adults, I'm all ears." Help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, okay, not really *out of control*, but going crazy over my dad's GF. They have been divorced for over 20 years but also live in close proximity to one another, and so can see what's going on with one another. They even help each other out with some things still (well, more my dad than she, but when my dad had knee surgery, he stayed in the living room and my mom cared for him). They have absolutely no romantic feelings (trust me), but since my dad has been dating this woman, I have felt stuck in the middle. My mom has a way of making me feel like things are my fault. Recently, this has been in the form of making digs about how "close" new GF and I are because DD (who is TWO) was talking about her to my mom. As if we spend every weekend together. DD was referring to something that happened months ago and somehow made an impression on her. In reality, we only see this woman once in awhile, and DD stays with my mom way more than anyone else. I'm not "close" with new GF, but I like her, am glad my dad is happy for now, and am not going to shut her out of my and DD's life because my mom, who's never met her, seems to have a problem with their relationship. I love my mom, but she has a hard time thinking rationally about some things and has always pinned things on me. I remember her doing this in the past when my dad had other GF's, but he hasn't had one for this long recently. I wish she could find someone too, but she doesn't really do social situations and I honestly can't see anyone fitting into her life at this point.

So, how to handle this? When she writes these emails, I just delete and don't address it. I know she is trying to get a reaction out of me and I don't want to feed the indulgence. Maybe if she makes a comment to me in person, I could say something like, "I'm just not interested in discussing dad's sex life, frankly, it has nothing to do with how close we are. If you have real insecurities you'd like to address as two mature adults, I'm all ears." Help.

So all these comments are over email? I would stop opening email from her. If she asks why you aren't responding to email you can tell her the last two sentences of your OP.

[Anonymous]

agree with PP. Just keep doing what you're doing. I'm sure on some level, she knows she's being irrational. Even after 20 years, it's hard being the one left behind as it were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:agree with PP. Just keep doing what you're doing. I'm sure on some level, she knows she's being irrational. Even after 20 years, it's hard being the one left behind as it were.

I guess, although she left him and has been engaged twice. People are so complicated.

[Anonymous]

Just continue to delete and ignore. It's her issue to sort out herself. Not yours.

[Anonymous]

Sounds to me like you are doing everything right OP.

If she keeps it up, come up with a warning code word that she has crossed the line and you will terminate the conversation if she does it again.

"Mom,I have no interest in discussing Dad's romantic life. If you bring this up again, I am going to give you a "red zone" (or whatever) warning. If you still don't stop, I'll end the conversation. If I see anything relating to dad's romantic life in an email, I will immediately stop reading and delete the email. It's hard enough being a child of divorce; it is not fair for you to put me in the middle like this. It's cruel and I can't allow it".

[Anonymous]

Have you told her that ypu love her? She sounds insecure and afraid if being replaced. Maybe at least make sure she knows that you love her and will always make time for her. She is not jealous that ypur dad is dating. She is scared taht she will lose you.

[Anonymous]

You're doing the right thing - do not engage.

And *try* not to let it get to you. I know it's hard. My mother is like this too. She reacts emotionally instead of rationally and nothing is ever her fault (but everybody else's).

[Anonymous]

Honestly it sounds like she is more jealous of DD's relationship with the GF than anything else. Its definitely immature to handle it over email but unless she is usually this irrational you could probably solve it by reassuring her how much DD loves her and that no one could take grandma's place.