Parents Splitting?

[Anonymous]

Has anyone dealt with your parents splitting up in their 60's/70's? My parents are looking at this after 45 years of marriage.
- How did you deal with it/with them/splitting time (they live far away so visits are hard anyway)?
- How did you explain it to your kids? I'm afraid my kids will always be worried that my husband and I will split up too.
- If you are closer to one parent than the other, how do you manage upkeep with the other?

[Anonymous]

So sorry, OP. My parents split when I was a teenager, but a lot of the same issues are a problem. The best thing I can tell you is that you have a lot of company in this. People whose parents are married just won't understand what you're going through, and may be very judgmental. But there are a lot of us adult children coping with divorce fallout, so welcome to the club.

To answer your questions:

I split visit time half and half. I do visit a bit more because they are divorced, but there's only so much I'm willing to do. If they want more time they are welcome to visit me. It's sad because my own children get a lot less time with their grandparents due to the divorce. But there is little I can do about it.

Kids-- I dunno. Mine are too little to ask. But of course, your kids will have friends with divorced parents, which would likely cause them the same concerns. I think all kids these days have to recognize that parents divorce and their parents might too.

Upkeep-- it really depends on the situation. Are your parents remarried, do they have other family nearby, what is their living situation and health, etc. They will probably need to re-do their medical directive etc., so if you can twist their arms to get that done, you'll be in better shape when a crisis occurs.

The best advice I can give you is to maintain your boundaries. Resist stepping up into a caretaking, spousal-type role if it isn't truly necessary. They need to realize they can't expect as much of your time and attention, because you are having to care for both of them separately. So encourage them, even to the point of letting them struggle a bit, to find their own support system and take care of themselves. Otherwise you will have more than you can handle as they age. When they talk to you about things, listen sympathetically but do not jump in as a problem-solver.

[Anonymous]

OP - We are in that age range,so if you are an only child especially, I would hope that the divorce would be fair to both sides, BUT if you sense that one of them is out to get the best of the other, then I would support the weaker one in finding a strong lawyer to protect their financial interests. Assuming both are willing to divide assets and settle things in the best possible way for both, it will be important for your Mom as well as your Dad to have good financial advice on choosing a place to live that each can afford, on having a budget that will be in line with their monthly income coming in. If Mom has not been used to handling her financial affairs, then getting her hooked up with an appropriate ""fee paid" financial adviser to give advice on the big picture is key - not to one who is selling and benefitting directly from any products.

A key question about the future is how is each parent's health? Will they be able to continue to live in the community where one has a circle of friends and interests? What are the health care services and aging services in their area? One or both of them might well benefit from a therapist during this time of personal upheaval and change after 45 yea
45 years. In their generation, individual and couple counseling was not usually used so is there is any chance that they would consider it and a trial separation before making a final break. In your case best to remain neutral and again just try to look out that the legal and financial aspects are put in place for each of them. This also should include a new will, trust possibly, health care directive and power of attorney. ****And that may well be where you will have to make some decisions about how much you want to fall on your shoulders for each?