DH is a Motor Mouth!

[Anonymous]

I love my hubby, he is very loyal, dedicated, great dad, great to my family, great lover, treats me like the sexiest woman on earth everyday for the past 10 years. I am happy....but no man is perfect. And my man is a talkaholic! He talks 1000 words per minute, and at the end of the day when I want to decompress, I have to listen to about 2 hours of everything that happened to him at work. He is very passionate about his job, and that is cool. I remind him to slow down, but then the conversation just last even longer. Actually it's not even a conversation, it's just me listening to him, waiting for him to run out of steam.

I've tried to change the subject when I can manage to get a word in...to what happened to me at work all day to give him a hint of how monotonous it is to hear the same thing over and over everyday about work. He just changes the subject right back to him. If I try to go off and do something, he gets irritated that I'm not paying attention to him. Yes, DH tends to be clingy...I think maybe cuz he was the youngest child.

I have 3 kids to tend to, I never have one single second of solitude unless its to go to the bathroom. When I finally have the kids to sleep, I want to check my email and read the posts here or watch tv...but he is still talking! He feels the need to comment on everything that is on TV. I can't concentrate on anything! The only time he shuts up is for sex or sleep. Sometimes I initiate the sex just to shut him up. It works, but I can't do that every single day, it's exhausting. I just want to scream SHUT UP!!!! Oh it felt so good to say all that!

[Anonymous]

LOL. Looks like the roles are reversed in your house! Many men complain of that re their wives!

It reminds me of the Chris Rock stand up on wives:

That all men want from their women: "Feed me, f*ck me, shut the f*ck up!!"

too funny

[Anonymous]

Are there any other tactics to shut him up?

[Anonymous]

Have you tried TELLING him to be quiet?? Have you told him that you need time to relax?? I highly doubt a grown man is not capable of listening to anything you have to say. If that's the case, then you have bigger problems in your marriage than a talker (it's called an egomaniac if you can't get a owrd in edgewise).

Send hima n email, write a letter - just tell him you need to be alone for 1 hour each night. If he starts talking, walk away, say it's quiet time and shut the door!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried TELLING him to be quiet?? Have you told him that you need time to relax?? I highly doubt a grown man is not capable of listening to anything you have to say. If that's the case, then you have bigger problems in your marriage than a talker (it's called an egomaniac if you can't get a owrd in edgewise).

Send hima n email, write a letter - just tell him you need to be alone for 1 hour each night. If he starts talking, walk away, say it's quiet time and shut the door!

Doesn't sound like OP thinks she's married to an egomaniac, just someone who likes to talk. It's part of how he unwinds. The issue is really just getting some balance in there. I'd talk to him about it, explain you'd like a chance to regularly talk about your day in the evenings too, and maybe some quiet time, and ask him how best to get that. Maybe he "goes first" on talking about his day when he gets home, since it seems to be a big need of his (I am very much like him and have to make an effort to stop myself and affirmatively ask DH about his day). For quiet time, rather than just walking away and shutting the door (come on, that's mean) maybe program a bubble bath or crossword or whatever else is relaxing to you into your evening and have DH acknowledge that's your private unwinding time. My own DH needs his private time more than I do. For him, it's tinkering about or sitting at his computer. I've learned to not feel ignored by this...sometimes I even ask him to come "tuck me in" if I'm going to retire to bed before him with a book or something, so I get a few minutes of closure and feeling bonded before he goes and gets his mental space. Anyway, these are things that work for us who are sort of the reverse of you.

[Anonymous]

our marriage was off to rough start years ago. His motor mouthiness had alot more anger in it when we were younger. Since we moved to DC 3 years ago, he landed his dream job and being closer to my family relieves some stress off of us rushing home to the kids everyday. So now his motor-mouthiness has no anger, now it is happy more positive. <p> I have issues too....I have always been soft-spoken, non-confrontational and not much of a talker. I'm an artist always lost in my thoughts. I was raised the typical Asian way to avoid conflict and keep the peace. I have not told him to be quiet, but I will signal that my head hurts and go lay down. Or I'll say I need to go to the bathroom and take a shower. How do you nicely tell your husband to shut up? Is saying "could you be quiet" too condescending? You are right, I think he suffers from egotism (is that a word?) and I'm scared I will offend him if I ask him to stop telling me all the wonderful things he did.

[Anonymous]

I'm 11:23 --- and DH is also Asian. He probably would not tell me to shut up, even gently, but I have managed to figure out that he needs his space. Really, look at my earlier post and think if there are other similar "systems" you guys can put in place that become automatic and don't have hurt feelings attached to them. If DH were constantly telling me he had a headache and needed to go lie down, I think I would begin to figure out something was wrong but I'd be no less hurt than if he came right out and told me he needed more private time. We have talked about the ways in which we are different in terms of what we need, and it really helps. We just respect those differences and don't take them personally. Have the talk during a time you're both feeling ok, and make sure the talk is a 2-way conversation -- not just you venting or him getting defensive. But my advice to you, being married to someone similar, is PLEASE DO SPEAK UP. My least favorite thing in my marriage is how DH can let things fester without my even knowing he's bothered and then suddenly there is a big problem that could have been nipped in the bud much earlier.

[Anonymous]

and what makes this even weirder...my colleague who sits right next to me is a motor mouth too! She used to sit next to someone else, and that someone else complained about all her talking, so the boss moves her next to me! She is very sweet, but just like my DH! Granted, she talks about art and yoga, which are subjects I like to talk about...but it's 1000 words a minute too! She's quiet right now though, because she is swamped with work. lol

[Anonymous]

OP,
How bout you come home one day, and after kids are in bed, and it is time to relax, open up a book and say "oh sorry X, but can we talk later b/c this is a really good part - I've been dying to get to this all day" and then pretend to read? I know, not a great answer, and totally avoids the real problem, and he will probably just keep talking anyway, but maybe you could give it a try?? At least once in a while it might work?

Actually a better answer is probably what another poster suggested -- write him a letter and in the nicest way possible say that you love being with him and he is a geat husband , father etc. (just like you wrote in the post, you should gush about all of his great qualities) but then say, at the end of a long day, after dealing with loud kids and work, you would really like 1 hour of quiet in the house, where you both are together either reading or watching TV or whatever, but no talking - just sitting and enjoying each other's QUIET company. you probably do have to be specific but if you put it like that, he won't think you need to get away from him (which it sounds like you don't) it's just that you need some quiet time. good luck

[Anonymous]

It's funny, because when I read this post I was immediately reminded of a guy I dated once -- who was Asian. Is this a trait of Asian men? He was a wonderful person -- exactly as you described -- except for the excessive talking.

I felt like I would go crazy if we stayed together, because I couldn't stand the constant verbiage. Otherwise our relationship was great.

Maybe counseling?

[Anonymous]

OP, is your hubby Asian?

He doesn't sound like one, DH is and has the opposit issue...he doesn't like to talk so our house is very quiet after the kids goes to sleep.
He can go w/o talking to me for 1 week for sure (we had a fight one time and I didn't talk to him) off course I caved in...after a whole week! The funny thing is, DH is in Sales. A salesman who doesn't like to talk, I tell ya, they come in all sizes and shapes!!!

Well, I think you have a pretty healthy marriage from what I read in your post. You sound like a good listener and that is why your marriage worked for 10 years!
How about you get out of the house 1-2x a week for a Yoga, Zumba or art related classes offer in your community anything in order to have your quite time.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you just be direct and tell your DH that you've started to feel the need for more quiet time/personal time so you can better relax at the end of the day, and that you are going to starting looking into ways to do this? Then, do it - find a class as PP suggests, or take a 20 minute bath every night, or meditate or do a yoga or exercise DVD in a quite room at home, or go to another room and read for 30 minutes. Remind DH about what you are doing and why - you'll probably need to do this a lot, since this will be new to the both of you. If DH has trouble with not being able to talk as much, help him by introducing other ways to unwind - journaling or blogging or learning some relaxation techniques.

Doing this isn't mean, and there's certainly no reason to be harsh with him - just because you two don't match in terms of how you deal with the end of the day doesn't mean anything is wrong with DH or your marriage.

[Anonymous]

How about and "art class" that involve you, your pad and the local library or starbucks )

[Anonymous]

9:46, I could not agree more. I am the PP who is in the inverse situation from OP, but we've worked it out over time without rancor. I tried to advocate some straightforward discussions and solutions, but feel like it all got lost in the stampede of folk recommending either subterfuge or strange passive-aggressive stuff. Does no one just talk to their spouse and work things out anymore? Are we all in junior high? Sorry, but this thread has really baffled me.