estates: why do people seem to go so insane?

[Anonymous]

I don't really want to write all the details but my parent has gone irrationally ANGRY over a trivial amount of money, feeling that another relative mismanaged the deceased's estate, etc. I think my parent is insane. The relative did an OK job--not perfect but OK. Plus this relative took good care of the deceased, did all the work and had all the stress of managing an elderly person's care for YEARS. My parent does not need the money and, indeed, is rich and would not even notice its absence.

I feel like my parent is somehow mixing up years of perceived slights and resentments and using it to create this story of being wronged in the estate which just appalls and saddens me. I tried to talk some sense and said "just let it go" but I worry this is going to create a stupid family conflict and it just seems so unnecessary and pointless and sad.

[Anonymous]

When our dad died, it brought out major, major control issues with my brother. He had to be in charge of everything, wouldn't really listen to or consider suggestions, and started claiming to be the boss or 'head of the family' of various family members.

Estate issues bring out some really horrible sides to people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When our dad died, it brought out major, major control issues with my brother. He had to be in charge of everything, wouldn't really listen to or consider suggestions, and started claiming to be the boss or 'head of the family' of various family members.

Estate issues bring out some really horrible sides to people.

+1000. Not sure why, but yes that seems to be the case. Even when there are no real "issues", people still seem to lose their minds over the whole thing.

[Anonymous]

I know in my family, it brought out issues that person A loved person B more than me.

The situation was my Great Aunt (who was disabled from polio as a child) had lived with her mom until her mom, then my grandmother. My Aunt left the money to the survivors of her siblings (or there heirs). But, 50% went to my grandmother (who lived with her for 18 year, 30% to her other sister (who saw her daily until her death), and 20% to her brother.

Well, her other sister's children were going to contest the will. They wanted 18% instead of 15%. But this woman had "borrowed" money from the aunt, and did not pay her back. So, in the full accounting, she would have lost money. The 3% of the estate was 15K; she had "borrowed" 25K to cover her own bills.

She was convinced to drop it.

[Anonymous]

I've heard of siblings fighting over meat in their dead mother's freezer...

[Anonymous]

I deal with this weekly in my line of work and many people equate money=love when it comes to estates. Also there is always a sibling that is more emotionally envolved and and sometimes physically caring for an elderly parent, that brings another layer of complexity (they may resent the other siblings for not helping, they may feel closer to the elderly person, etc.). Also if the beneficiary is older, sometimes a mini stroke, tia or just some clogged vessels in the wrong place can drastically change personality as people age.

[Anonymous]

I think the ancients had the right idea - bury the dead with all their possessions. Would save a lot of strife!

[Anonymous]

grief+greed brings out the worst in people. sorry it's been rough for you OP.

[Anonymous]

I think even people who aren't greedy can fixate on stuff as an imagined remedy to feelingsof grief. People know they don't control life and death and they know they can't bring the person back, but they're sure it would somehow fix everything to be included in the will or get Grandma's engagement ring or whatever.

[Anonymous]

This is the OP here. It isn't greed -- my parent does not need the money. According to my parent, "It's the principle of the thing!" (I said, "What about the principle that 'family is important'. What about the principle of 'don't sweat the small stuff'?") And I don't think my parent is grief stricken.

I can only assume it is the manifestation of some unknown emotional intra-familial grievance that dates way back. But this is a petty and ugly way for it to come out.

[Anonymous]

People are so weird about this. DH's aunt started TAKING things from her mother's home when she was in her late 90s. And sought a lawyer's advice on the will (who advised her that she had no case) - all over a pittance. What I make in half a year. FIL was executor and has the patience of a saint. There are some deep-seated emotional issues, sibling rivalries that arise when a parent dies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP here. It isn't greed -- my parent does not need the money. According to my parent, "It's the principle of the thing!" (I said, "What about the principle that 'family is important'. What about the principle of 'don't sweat the small stuff'?") And I don't think my parent is grief stricken.

I can only assume it is the manifestation of some unknown emotional intra-familial grievance that dates way back. But this is a petty and ugly way for it to come out.

What does your parent think about the fact that this other person cared for a dying relative while your parent was carrying on with their own life as usual?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are so weird about this. DH's aunt started TAKING things from her mother's home when she was in her late 90s. And sought a lawyer's advice on the will (who advised her that she had no case) - all over a pittance. What I make in half a year. FIL was executor and has the patience of a saint. There are some deep-seated emotional issues, sibling rivalries that arise when a parent dies.

Yes to the bold. My MIL has barely spoken to her sister since their mother died. She claims her sister "stole" all her mother's belongings and wouldn't let her take things she wanted. My MIL lived out of the country, so her sister settled the estate I think. I have no idea who is right and who is wrong, but it's really sad to me. Clearly there are other issues at play here. But my MIL loves to preach that all she ever wants is "having the whole family together" when in fact she barely sees her own sister, who my DH tells me used to be her best friend. Clearly you don't value family that much or you'd find a way to mend what's wrong.

Drop your dukes, be generous, and move on.