Communicating with your spouse

[Anonymous]

Do 'most people' have to put the message in their spouse's language to be heard? Meaning, I can't just say what I think or want and expect DH to 'get it'. I have to put my message into a 'what's in it for me' in order to motivate him to act on it. It's very frustrating to not be able to speak freely, from my perspective with my goals... and instead have to think about an approach, a message, and how to frame that message to get the result I'm looking for.

Examples: I think DS2 needs to be in pre-school, he thinks it's unnecessary. A normal conversation of pros and cons won't work with DH. But if I frame the message as DS2 needs help developing his social skills... maybe 2 days at preschool could help with that - - he's more agreeable.

It's so tiring to always have to think long-range of what his objections will be to my ideas, and have a debate/rebuttal rehearsed in my mind. This is how every conversation goes between us. To say Mars and Venus is such a huge understatement. I was married before, and I could talk to him so easily about anything.

Which was the anomoly - a man who's as easy to talk to as a girlfriend, or a man who is utterly confounding to talk to?

[Anonymous]

I agree with everything you just wrote. If I don't say something the way DH wants to hear it I might as well not even open my mouth. Apparently he does not like the way I speak to him which is his way of telling me I am not supposed to have opinions or a say. So annoying. I also speak to him like "he's an 8 year old". Well, when he leaves coins on the floor and ant spray next to baby food what does he expect? If he didn't act like a child I wouldn't have to ask him stupid questions like "Why not just put the ant spray away, it would have taken just as much time." Men...

[Anonymous]

11:45, it does not sound like you are asking how best to communicate with your husband; it sounds like you are asking how to get him to agree or go along with what you want. If that's your goal, then you are talking about a negotiation, not a conversation, and yeah putting things in terms of his own priorities or perspective is probably wise. If it is really about communication generally then each of you should care about and have respect for the concerns and priorities and feelings of the other. That's about listening to each other. If you feel he isn't listening to you, or doesn't care about your concerns, tell him that. Then let him tell you what bugs him or makes him feel ignored. Then decide together if it's important that both of you feel listened to and how to make that happen.

As for 12:22, if he says you are talking down to him, maybe you are. The example you gave makes me inclined to believe that it may in fact be your dynamic. If my husband says he doesn't like the way I talk to him about certain things (and this certainly has happened) I try to take it seriously, and I expect the same from him.

[Anonymous]

I have similar experiences although I've found that once DH realizes that a situation is going to impact him he is most likely to agree to it and/or throw money at the problem. We discussed me staying home after DD is born. He immediately starting talking about the financial impact but once I brought up his role in the daycare arrangements (i.e. morning duty) he immediately agreed that I should stay home.

Today I told him that I could nto longer scoop the dog poop in the backyard so he'd need to do it. He suggested that we hire a pooper scooper the next couple of months.

It is like dealing with an 8 year old. Unfortunately I don't see it changing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:11:45, it does not sound like you are asking how best to communicate with your husband; it sounds like you are asking how to get him to agree or go along with what you want. If that's your goal, then you are talking about a negotiation, not a conversation, and yeah putting things in terms of his own priorities or perspective is probably wise. If it is really about communication generally then each of you should care about and have respect for the concerns and priorities and feelings of the other. That's about listening to each other. If you feel he isn't listening to you, or doesn't care about your concerns, tell him that. Then let him tell you what bugs him or makes him feel ignored. Then decide together if it's important that both of you feel listened to and how to make that happen.

As for 12:22, if he says you are talking down to him, maybe you are. The example you gave makes me inclined to believe that it may in fact be your dynamic. If my husband says he doesn't like the way I talk to him about certain things (and this certainly has happened) I try to take it seriously, and I expect the same from him.

This is 12:22 - I am not being snarky at all, I am asking for advice - how do I ask him to do things normal people are responsible for? He acts like a 12 year old. If I ask once or twice then am ignored or told it will be taken care of but he never takes care of it. I am not his maid or his admin. If a grown man cant pick up after himself or keep dangerous items out of the baby's reach how do I get the point across to him w/out talking down. Again, not being snotty, I am asking for advice. I would love to be able to communicate better, just seems like when I try it doesn't change his actions at all.

And yes, PP, I too told DH to pick up the dog poop as I couldn't and when that happened I was able to hire someone.

[Anonymous]

To answer the OP's question -- I can't answer for "most people," but I talk to my husband the same way I talk to my friends. Of course, like in every relationship, he doesn't always agree with me. But no, I don't have to couch things a certain way -- unless I'm trying to get him to do chores, in which case I do try to sweeten the pot in some way. It sounds like you have had a different experience with prior relationships, so maybe you're not surprised to hear that this isn't everyone's experience.