"Demand" teen speak respectfully, or just let it go?

[Anonymous]

Our 14yo DD is a great kid, but definitely metamorphosed into an often cranky teenager this past year. Sometimes it seems as though every single interaction we have with her is laced with her sharp-edged tone. Call her name, and she replies "What?!"; ask or remind her to do something, and she cuts us off brusquely with "okay, okay!" and leaves the room while we're still talking; and don't even get me started on her "sorry"s--they are the sorriest and most hostile I've ever heard. I know this all sounds petty, but--wait for it--we never would have spoken to our parents that way.

Do you tolerate this kind back talk from your teens? If not, what is the consequence and--most important--does it work?

[Anonymous]

No, I don't tolerate it. If I get a "what?", I say "excuse me. Who are you talking to?" That always gets an apology and the tone/attitude is gone. If one leaves the room, I stop them by saying "I wasn't done." I actually use the same techniques that I've been using since they could talk. I haven't used consequences - just redirection. But, unless I absolutely don't have time to deal with it, I don't let it slide. And, if I don't deal with it, I do bring it up later.

[Anonymous]

I'm just reading the book "I'd Listen to My Parents If They'd Just Shut Up," by Anthony Wolf, about communicating with teens. I highly recommend it. I haven't finished the whole thing, but I suspect on this point he'd recommend not engaging

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our 14yo DD is a great kid, but definitely metamorphosed into an often cranky teenager this past year. Sometimes it seems as though every single interaction we have with her is laced with her sharp-edged tone. Call her name, and she replies "What?!"; ask or remind her to do something, and she cuts us off brusquely with "okay, okay!" and leaves the room while we're still talking; and don't even get me started on her "sorry"s--they are the sorriest and most hostile I've ever heard. I know this all sounds petty, but--wait for it--we never would have spoken to our parents that way.

Do you tolerate this kind back talk from your teens? If not, what is the consequence and--most important--does it work?

Ugh. Going thru this phase (again) with our 15yo DD. What I said last night-
- I asked what she's angry about (mumbled "nothing")
- I pointed out that her behavior is telling me something different. If she is angry, I would like her to tell me. If she isn't angry, she needs to re-think how she's acting.
- I simply said that if she continues treating us like this, I will not take her to X in the morning.
- Later, I expanded a bit and said that if she wants to start drivers ed, get her license, and start having more independence like her 17 yo brother, she needs to show respect and maturity more consistently. If she doesn't understand those expectations, she needs to ask me for clarification. I stated that she has been acting more like a 12 yo than a young adult. If she wants more independence (soon) then she needs to improve how she treats people. Everybody has bad days and she is entitled to her feelings but I expect her to treat us with as much respect as her coaches, teachers, and friends' parents.

In short- don't bite the hand that feeds you. I was 100% ready to follow thru on my threat of not taking her to X today and she knew it.

We've also had many conversations on HOW things are said can trump the words used. This appears to be the case with your DD's "sorrys". Tone, delivery, and non-verbal communication should be addressed, IMO. Our daughter has never called my wife a bitch but based on the tone she's used, that's exactly what she's saying.

[Anonymous]

Authority is conserved.

If you don't have it, they do.

[Anonymous]

I would not making a drivers license a bargaining point. Now, use of the car (once they get their license) YES. But make sure they get their license, and make sure they have plenty of experience with you helping them to learn to drive.
You want them to have all the tools at their disposal to support themselves and transition into adulthood. Not having a license just holds them in dependent status longer. Doing the right thing - teaching them to drive - is a big pain in the @ss. But it's necessary. And it's your job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our 14yo DD is a great kid, but definitely metamorphosed into an often cranky teenager this past year. Sometimes it seems as though every single interaction we have with her is laced with her sharp-edged tone. Call her name, and she replies "What?!"; ask or remind her to do something, and she cuts us off brusquely with "okay, okay!" and leaves the room while we're still talking; and don't even get me started on her "sorry"s--they are the sorriest and most hostile I've ever heard. I know this all sounds petty, but--wait for it--we never would have spoken to our parents that way.

Do you tolerate this kind back talk from your teens? If not, what is the consequence and--most important--does it work?

Honestly, you really might be talking too much. Not that that justifies her behavior, but take a look at yourself and see if you're rambling, repeating yourself, or expecting her to listen to the same lecture over and over. Most reminders can be issued in one short sentence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our 14yo DD is a great kid, but definitely metamorphosed into an often cranky teenager this past year. Sometimes it seems as though every single interaction we have with her is laced with her sharp-edged tone. Call her name, and she replies "What?!"; ask or remind her to do something, and she cuts us off brusquely with "okay, okay!" and leaves the room while we're still talking; and don't even get me started on her "sorry"s--they are the sorriest and most hostile I've ever heard. I know this all sounds petty, but--wait for it--we never would have spoken to our parents that way.

Do you tolerate this kind back talk from your teens? If not, what is the consequence and--most important--does it work?

Honestly, you really might be talking too much. Not that that justifies her behavior, but take a look at yourself and see if you're rambling, repeating yourself, or expecting her to listen to the same lecture over and over. Most reminders can be issued in one short sentence.

Even better if done in one word. Eg "Coat" means please hang up your coat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our 14yo DD is a great kid, but definitely metamorphosed into an often cranky teenager this past year. Sometimes it seems as though every single interaction we have with her is laced with her sharp-edged tone. Call her name, and she replies "What?!"; ask or remind her to do something, and she cuts us off brusquely with "okay, okay!" and leaves the room while we're still talking; and don't even get me started on her "sorry"s--they are the sorriest and most hostile I've ever heard. I know this all sounds petty, but--wait for it--we never would have spoken to our parents that way.

Do you tolerate this kind back talk from your teens? If not, what is the consequence and--most important--does it work?

Ugh. Going thru this phase (again) with our 15yo DD. What I said last night-
- I asked what she's angry about (mumbled "nothing")
- I pointed out that her behavior is telling me something different. If she is angry, I would like her to tell me. If she isn't angry, she needs to re-think how she's acting.
- I simply said that if she continues treating us like this, I will not take her to X in the morning.
- Later, I expanded a bit and said that if she wants to start drivers ed, get her license, and start having more independence like her 17 yo brother, she needs to show respect and maturity more consistently. If she doesn't understand those expectations, she needs to ask me for clarification. I stated that she has been acting more like a 12 yo than a young adult. If she wants more independence (soon) then she needs to improve how she treats people. Everybody has bad days and she is entitled to her feelings but I expect her to treat us with as much respect as her coaches, teachers, and friends' parents.

In short- don't bite the hand that feeds you. I was 100% ready to follow thru on my threat of not taking her to X today and she knew it.

We've also had many conversations on HOW things are said can trump the words used. This appears to be the case with your DD's "sorrys". Tone, delivery, and non-verbal communication should be addressed, IMO. Our daughter has never called my wife a bitch but based on the tone she's used, that's exactly what she's saying.

Well-put. This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not making a drivers license a bargaining point. Now, use of the car (once they get their license) YES. But make sure they get their license, and make sure they have plenty of experience with you helping them to learn to drive.
You want them to have all the tools at their disposal to support themselves and transition into adulthood. Not having a license just holds them in dependent status longer. Doing the right thing - teaching them to drive - is a big pain in the @ss. But it's necessary. And it's your job.

I'll disagree. My daughter is 15. If she's incapable of open, honest, respectable communication with me- I'm not going to start drivers ed. Trust me, I've been thru drivers ed once and we plan on doing it again. But if my kid isn't able to talk to me without being rude or snarky, I'm not going to even start it. Of course it keeps her in a dependent state longer but IMO, its a huge bargaining chip. Certainly the biggest one and the easiest one to consistently follow thru with. Its a no brainer for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our 14yo DD is a great kid, but definitely metamorphosed into an often cranky teenager this past year. Sometimes it seems as though every single interaction we have with her is laced with her sharp-edged tone. Call her name, and she replies "What?!"; ask or remind her to do something, and she cuts us off brusquely with "okay, okay!" and leaves the room while we're still talking; and don't even get me started on her "sorry"s--they are the sorriest and most hostile I've ever heard. I know this all sounds petty, but--wait for it--we never would have spoken to our parents that way.

Do you tolerate this kind back talk from your teens? If not, what is the consequence and--most important--does it work?

Mom of a 14 year old who is also a great kid and also engages in rude "teenagery" nonsense here:

A response of "What?!?!" would result in a calm: "Try that again."

Walking away while I'm talking would result in me letting ds go wherever he's going and then about 2 minutes later going to that room and calmly saying, "I need to see your phone. Please give it to me now." With the phone in hand, I'd then say, "Walking away from me or anyone while they're talking is rude and disrespectful. This phone is mine until tomorrow. If you choose to do that rude behavior again, it will be gone for 2 days." I'd then walk away. NO MORE CONVERSATION.

There's no "Sorry, sorry." You just have to take it away and be done. If you don't and end up giving it back with the "sorry's" then you're dead in the water. My kid never does that "Sorry, sorry, sorry" because he knows I mean business with the consequence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom of a 14 year old who is also a great kid and also engages in rude "teenagery" nonsense here:

A response of "What?!?!" would result in a calm: "Try that again."

Walking away while I'm talking would result in me letting ds go wherever he's going and then about 2 minutes later going to that room and calmly saying, "I need to see your phone. Please give it to me now." With the phone in hand, I'd then say, "Walking away from me or anyone while they're talking is rude and disrespectful. This phone is mine until tomorrow. If you choose to do that rude behavior again, it will be gone for 2 days." I'd then walk away. NO MORE CONVERSATION.

There's no "Sorry, sorry." You just have to take it away and be done. If you don't and end up giving it back with the "sorry's" then you're dead in the water. My kid never does that "Sorry, sorry, sorry" because he knows I mean business with the consequence.

I'm the "drivers license PP". While you sound more strict than me, I totally agree with the general idea of setting boundaries and consistently following thru with a consequence for behavior.

[Anonymous]

I never let that kind of thing slide.

I stop it. They apologize.
When everyone is calm, at some other point, I reiterate the importance of constructive communication.

They're actually good kids, so I haven't had too hard a time.

You know what's really important? Not letting the peer group take away your parental authority. My kids are busy with activities, they don't hang out with disrespectful kids and take their cues from them. We socialize with like-minded parents and generally well-behaved kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom of a 14 year old who is also a great kid and also engages in rude "teenagery" nonsense here:

A response of "What?!?!" would result in a calm: "Try that again."

Walking away while I'm talking would result in me letting ds go wherever he's going and then about 2 minutes later going to that room and calmly saying, "I need to see your phone. Please give it to me now." With the phone in hand, I'd then say, "Walking away from me or anyone while they're talking is rude and disrespectful. This phone is mine until tomorrow. If you choose to do that rude behavior again, it will be gone for 2 days." I'd then walk away. NO MORE CONVERSATION.

There's no "Sorry, sorry." You just have to take it away and be done. If you don't and end up giving it back with the "sorry's" then you're dead in the water. My kid never does that "Sorry, sorry, sorry" because he knows I mean business with the consequence.

I'm the "drivers license PP". While you sound more strict than me, I totally agree with the general idea of setting boundaries and consistently following thru with a consequence for behavior.

Yes, I guess I am "strict" but I'm also very attentive to reading the situation. I definitely know how to pick my battles and use humor to diffuse a situation. I don't have to pull the removal of phone very often. It's rare because once you do it and stay consistent, kids know. As I said, he's a great kid and is very well-behaved at school and with adults. And he's a typical teenager who needs to know where the boundaries are. Once they're clear, they know what's okay and what's not. Folks run into trouble when they constantly change those boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our 14yo DD is a great kid, but definitely metamorphosed into an often cranky teenager this past year. Sometimes it seems as though every single interaction we have with her is laced with her sharp-edged tone. Call her name, and she replies "What?!"; ask or remind her to do something, and she cuts us off brusquely with "okay, okay!" and leaves the room while we're still talking; and don't even get me started on her "sorry"s--they are the sorriest and most hostile I've ever heard. I know this all sounds petty, but--wait for it--we never would have spoken to our parents that way.

Do you tolerate this kind back talk from your teens? If not, what is the consequence and--most important--does it work?

Mom of a 14 year old who is also a great kid and also engages in rude "teenagery" nonsense here:

A response of "What?!?!" would result in a calm: "Try that again."

Walking away while I'm talking would result in me letting ds go wherever he's going and then about 2 minutes later going to that room and calmly saying, "I need to see your phone. Please give it to me now." With the phone in hand, I'd then say, "Walking away from me or anyone while they're talking is rude and disrespectful. This phone is mine until tomorrow. If you choose to do that rude behavior again, it will be gone for 2 days." I'd then walk away. NO MORE CONVERSATION.

There's no "Sorry, sorry." You just have to take it away and be done. If you don't and end up giving it back with the "sorry's" then you're dead in the water. My kid never does that "Sorry, sorry, sorry" because he knows I mean business with the consequence.

What do you do when DS claims he can't find his phone to give it to you (if its not in his hand).