16 YO DS Change in Eating Habits negatively affecting health

[Anonymous]

I have a 21 YO DS and a 16 YO DS who are both funny, outgoing, personable kids/young adults.

But in the last year (or so) my 16 YO DS has had a drastic change in his eating habits. At his last doctor's appointment in August 2014 he was 5 foot 8 and 152 pounds, at a normal weight and fairly healthy (alba it at the top end of normal). He has never been super active, preferring to stay in and play games or read then play on a sports team. He's never (before) really looked unhealthy, more just looking solidly built (like my DH) with broad shoulders and some natural muscle.

In the last year he has started eating a lot more, and a lot more unhealthily. We always try to eat healthily at home, no soda, orange juice with breakfast and water/skim milk at other times, and home cooked, moderately portioned meals most nights (and a pack, healthy lunch for school). But, I think because he started to have some money from babysitting a couple of my friend's kid, he has increasingly started to go with his friends to fast food places after school and eating a whole meal, then coming home and eating our normal dinner as well, and sometimes just listening to what he is eating makes me queasy, a large burger, soda, and fries from a local burger place, chipotle with all the extras (with a soda and chips, of course), stuff like that. When we sat him down and told him maybe he should slow down with the after school snacks, he stopped reading them off to me (this was maybe halfway through the school year, when we started to worry because he had clearly gained some weight) and got really defensive saying that this was what all the kids his age ate, and that he was not fat and we were worrying too much. After this he never said he was actually eating after school, but would often come home late after 'hanging out with friends' and has continued to get larger.

I doubt it is genetic, I am patite and my DH, while large as I said before, was a tight end in college and is more muscle then fat.

I'm really worried because he has outgrown all of his shorts from last year, yes in height, but most noticeably in girth. Most don't even button at this point. Some were shorts that he needed a belt for last year. I don't know his exact weight or height right now - I'm kind of scared and ashamed right now - though we have a doctor's appointment tomorrow so I guess we will know then, but I'm worried because last year he was close to the top of the normal range and if he isn't overweight this year I will be highly surprised.

I have suggested that he and his friends find other activities after school, but he always says they are hungry and they all eat the same amount and don't gain weight so why should he worry.

I know he has noticed his weight gain, as so far this summer he's only gone with us to the pool once (he used to love swimming, it was the one sport he actually enjoyed), and he kept his shirt on and didn't even get into the pool, instead just hanging out with his friends by the pool tablet he entire time. I'm just worried that he is in denial over exactly how much weight he has gained, or just doesn't care enough to stop eating.

As a note, it is not just out of home that he has been eating more, the past year we have noticed that what little snack food we have is often missing foster a night, I suspect he is sneaking down to the kitchen after we go to bed and eating even more.

I'm just at my wit' send right now, I want to make him come home right after school and stop him from spending his money on food, but that is his time to hangs out with his friends and I can't really pull his funds, as they are just the money he makes from babysitting. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to handle this?

[Anonymous]

OP I don't have any good answers. I have an 11yo son who has become overweight. He's so tall that he's still proportional for his height, but we know his diet is terrible and he's got more than the usual pre-pubescent belly. So we're going to see a nutritionist recommended by our pediatrician. It is totally normal by the way, at least in the early phases of puberty, for all kids to get a bit pudgy - in your son's case it sounds like he has not yet learned how to manage his relatively newfound independence wisely.

As sympathetic as I am, some of your language sounds a bit worrisome to me - "scared and ashamed", really??!! If you're talking to your son about his eating habits and weight with that kind of wording, you may be making him feel more stigmatized than supported, and encouraging him to hide his eating. Again, I don't know the right answers, but I think a professional should be helpful.

We have slowly become more frank with our son about the need to eat a healthier diet and get more exercise, but we are careful to keep the focus on health, not on appearance. It's hard enough to be a teenage boy; the last thing I would want to do is to contribute to making him feel lousy about himself.

[Anonymous]

I know I'm in the minority here, but I would be frank with him. He's a teen, he's probably not feeling great right now, and wants to fit in but is not going the right way about it. He needs his parents to alert him.

Most Americans are overweight and tiptoe around conversations like this. They quibble over terms and phrases. And most Americans stay overweight. It is so clear to me that walking on eggshells about eating habits and body shape is not working for them.

What's wrong with talking about appearance as well as health? We are such an appearance-driven society. First impressions are so important in private and professional spheres. Anorexia, while terrible (my cousin was anorexic for most of her teenage years), is definitely not as prevalent as obesity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I don't have any good answers. I have an 11yo son who has become overweight. He's so tall that he's still proportional for his height, but we know his diet is terrible and he's got more than the usual pre-pubescent belly. So we're going to see a nutritionist recommended by our pediatrician. It is totally normal by the way, at least in the early phases of puberty, for all kids to get a bit pudgy - in your son's case it sounds like he has not yet learned how to manage his relatively newfound independence wisely.

As sympathetic as I am, some of your language sounds a bit worrisome to me - "scared and ashamed", really??!! If you're talking to your son about his eating habits and weight with that kind of wording, you may be making him feel more stigmatized than supported, and encouraging him to hide his eating. Again, I don't know the right answers, but I think a professional should be helpful.

We have slowly become more frank with our son about the need to eat a healthier diet and get more exercise, but we are careful to keep the focus on health, not on appearance. It's hard enough to be a teenage boy; the last thing I would want to do is to contribute to making him feel lousy about himself.

I'm the OP here. I know I am old fashioned now, but I grew up in a time where being overweight was not the norm as it is today, and so maybe I react differently then other parents would. In the end I take after my parents who lived in a time where a kid being overweight did lead to parents being looked down upon and was a shameful/scary thing, it reflected negatively on you and your family.

Now, that being said, I recognize that those times are behind us and being overweight is now close to being the norm, so I try to be understanding when talking to him about it. We never shame him, and the few times we have brought it up, we have always tried to be understanding. After all, he is a smart kid and our child, and in the end the problems he faces will be his own. We want to make sure that we do all we can to lead him to a healthy lifestyle without being overly critical, but I feel like perhaps we used this thought process to justify simply not talking about the problem because, to be honest, we are scared of the same thing you are, that our older upbringing and habit to speak tersely about the subject would hurt his feelings. That is, I guess, the reason I came here because I don't really know how to approach it, so thank you!

[Anonymous]

I would get the Eat This, Not That book our look at the website with him and talk about healthier choices when out with friends, have fruits and veggies for snacks at home, and exercise together as a family like hiking.

[Anonymous]

Why not ask if he already ate. If so, offer him just a healthy snack at the dinner table. Show him some info about soda and how unheslthy it is and what it goes to your body/blood sugar and encourage him to choose healthier options at the fast food places. It obviously means something to hang out with his friends as they do so work within that framework.

[Anonymous]

Studies have shown that the more you harp on weight and diet, the more kids overeat.

Apologize and shut up.

[Anonymous]

OP, is there an adult he knows well and trusts who is NOT you or dad, whose guidance on this might actually get through to him? Often, kids can hear tough things from a trusted adult who is not a parent much better than they can hear them from their parents. If he is involved in any activities, is there a leader, coordinator, coach, youth group leader, anyone whom you trust to talk with him and not turn him off, make him defensive or alienate him? That's a very tall order, I know, and this person would need to be one with a lot of tact, if addressing the weight directly -- or some smart tricks, such as suggesting that your son and other kids from that activity/church/group etc. get together to work out all summer, etc., without mentioning your son's weight specifically. It would be up to you and this adult to talk first about how best to approach your son.

A favorite uncle or other relative might be a choice for this too. It might help your son to have a workout partner for the summer who then takes him out for healthy snacks after exercising. Would your son balk at a summer gym membership and see it as a criticism of him, or would he actually get interested and go? Maybe not, based on what you wrote above, but if he had someone going with him, would he be likelier to see it as social time?

Eating is a big part of socializing for many teens, maybe most of them. They genuinely are hungry after school but have no sense of portions or proportions, unfortunately. I see it with my DD and her friends as well, and yes, girls wolf down food as eagerly as boys at this age. But a lot of it is mindless, social eating, and nobody wants to be the one who sticks out in the group by not joining in or by having to answer questions about why he or she ate two burgers last time and isn't doing the same today....

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm the first PP and honestly I think you bring some issues to the table, pardon the pun. I'm a pretty old parent, and I don't remember "a time where a kid being overweight did lead to parents being looked down upon and was a shameful/scary thing, it reflected negatively on you and your family." I don't mean to imply that I never saw a kid teased for being fat when I was growing up, but in my small town American childhood of the 1970s/80s, it was not shameful/scary nor did it lead to social ostracism. The most popular kid in my HS graduating class was a giant, kind oaf of a guy. It probably helped that he was a football player, but he and plenty of other popular boys (and at least a few girls) carried more weight than they should have then without any negative social repercussions. (Of course, the way they look now is one of the reasons I'm trying to nip this in the bud for my son.)

SO that's a long way of saying OP, it sounds like you've got some really intense sensitivities surrounding weight that might not serve you well in dealing with your teenager. A nutritionist or a counselor specializing in healthy eating might be really helpful in navigating this with your child.

And PP, the reason that I wouldn't focus on appearance, or to discuss it at all, is that I don't want my preteen either to become overly anxious about his weight or appearance - and I don't want this to become an adversarial issue between us. You do realize that boys can develop anorexia don't you? My son is lucky in that he's liable to remain insanely tall, so as long as we can get him eating more healthy and inspire him to be more active, he will outgrow his pudge. But even if that weren't the case, I can't imagine telling a kid to lose weight because he or she doesn't look good. Teenage years are the worst for so many kids, and encouraging self-hatred seems like a really disastrous dea.

I have talked about comfort with my son - it's not comfortable if your waistband is always tight! But mostly we focus on health, and whenever we impose constraints on his diet that he doesn't appreciate, I am very careful to explain that this is because we love him and because we want him to have the right fuel for his growing body. It's a billion times easier for me dealing with an 11yo, though, than for the OP whose son is old enough to deserve greater autonomy and his own money to spend. I wish you all the best OP - keep posting and tell us how it goes, I think you're not alone in dealing with this!

[Anonymous]

Is he smoking weed?
Serious question. Our 19 year old has gone to pot, pun intended. But that's just one of many problems we're dealing with?