How to help DD who is being teased.

[Anonymous]

I have a 5th grade daughter who told me last night that a boy in her grade has recently been teasing her - saying she "likes" a certain other boy (which she doesn't, but is mortifying at this age), making fun of her appearance, and basically mocking her in different ways. She has two older brothers who are very kind and would never treat her like this, so she's sort of at a loss as to how to handle it. She said that she's told him to "shut up" but he just keeps it up. I, of course, was ready to throttle this kid after she told me what's been going on - I offered to talk to the teacher, the guidance counselor, this boy's parents, etc. She was adamant that I not intervene, saying it would just make everything worse, which I understand.

Apparently this boy goes to the principal's office all the time for various infractions, so it's obvious he's a troublemaker in general and probably not targeting only my daughter. I said all the usual things to her, like "perhaps this boy actually likes you and has a strange way of showing it," but she insisted that's not it. So I gave her some tactics to try, such as sarcastically laughing and saying, "whatever you say...," or flat-out ignoring him, but she says none of that will work.

Basically, I feel very upset about this but also like it's out of my control since I promised her I wouldn't step in. Having two older kids, I'm well aware that this is just a slice of life that everyone has to go through (I certainly did), but I want to do something to help her. I want to respect her wishes and not intervene, but was wondering if any of you have been in this situation and what you might have done to help your child. TIA.

[Anonymous]

Have her tell him her dad is in the mafia and he's making him mad.

[Anonymous]

I recommend a book called "Easing the Teasing." It had specific strategies that I used when my DD was in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Do NOT leave it up to your child. This is beyond typical. This type of activity will stress a child out beyond what you are seeing. It will keep her from wanting to participate in class because she's afraid that she'll be a target. E-mail the teacher and nip this in the bud. Make it very clear to that bratt that your kid is off limits. I had to do this for my DD on three occasions and so glad that I did.

[Anonymous]

I've got a DD who went through something similar. I think one strategy is when your DD is not upset, to open up a general conversation with your DD again.

This conversation would be about while you will adhere to your agreement not to talk to the teacher, in general how teachers/parents generally, and you specifically can be used as swords and shields in this kind of situation.

(I didn't actually say "swords and shields" but you get the idea)

I think kids don't want their parents interfering because they don't want to lose control. They don't want everything to get out of hand and the bully being punished--knowing they are being punished due to them--then afterwards the bully has completely targeted the kid again thanks to the punishment.

But what kids don't know is that parents and teachers can work in a variety of ways that don't create this nightmare scenario. And it's important for a teacher or principal to collect data on a troublemaker--if no one talks, the school adults won't know what a a big problem the bully is.

It can be helpful for your DD to understand that you have other avenues of problem-solving that are not open to your DD. Even if she elects to go it alone this time, she knows she's got a "safe" backup in you if it gets worse. And she knows for the next time more about how it works on the adult level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT leave it up to your child. This is beyond typical. This type of activity will stress a child out beyond what you are seeing. It will keep her from wanting to participate in class because she's afraid that she'll be a target. E-mail the teacher and nip this in the bud. Make it very clear to that bratt that your kid is off limits. I had to do this for my DD on three occasions and so glad that I did.

This.

"Mary, when I told you I was not going to intervene about the teasing you're subjected to, I made a mistake. I know that you won't like the fact that I am not going to keep my word to you, but that was a bad promise and one doesn't keep bad promises. It's a question of protecting you, it's part of my job and Dad's job as parents. We'd be failing you if we didn't intervene, and we're not about to, because you're too precious to us to do that. Please, trust us.".

And then you pull all the stops, you involve school authorities, and if need be, you talk to the police and/or a lawyer for further advicce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT leave it up to your child. This is beyond typical. This type of activity will stress a child out beyond what you are seeing. It will keep her from wanting to participate in class because she's afraid that she'll be a target. E-mail the teacher and nip this in the bud. Make it very clear to that bratt that your kid is off limits. I had to do this for my DD on three occasions and so glad that I did.

This.

"Mary, when I told you I was not going to intervene about the teasing you're subjected to, I made a mistake. I know that you won't like the fact that I am not going to keep my word to you, but that was a bad promise and one doesn't keep bad promises. It's a question of protecting you, it's part of my job and Dad's job as parents. We'd be failing you if we didn't intervene, and we're not about to, because you're too precious to us to do that. Please, trust us.".

And then you pull all the stops, you involve school authorities, and if need be, you talk to the police and/or a lawyer for further advicce.

Police and lawyers?! For a boy teasing a girl? Dude you have completely jumped the shark.

[Anonymous]

It never ceases to amaze me the types of responses you will get on DCUM. Way too much analysis and over-thinking. E-mail the teacher, OP. Nip this in the bud. Your child will continue to be the bully's target if you don't but if you do, she won't be. Why let her live with all this undo stress. You only get one shot at life. Why be miserable?

[Anonymous]

It's near the end of the school year. They might not be in the same class next year. Tell her to tease him back. Tell her to think of something short and easy to say to tease him back when he teases her. Then he will be less likely to pick on her, since she wont' just take it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's near the end of the school year. They might not be in the same class next year. Tell her to tease him back. Tell her to think of something short and easy to say to tease him back when he teases her. Then he will be less likely to pick on her, since she wont' just take it.

I know people would disagree with you, but this is exactly what worked when my DS was being bullied/teased. And yes, we contacted both the teacher and the principal first. Finally, after having heard enough, DD (his older sister) told him that you have to stand up for yourself or else you will always be a target - tease him back or at least tell him harshly to shut up. Next time the teaser started in, my son told him "Just shut up, you are not even funny. And don't let me get started on you!!!" No further problems.

[Anonymous]

We went through something very similar with my 9 yr old DS. He also didn't want us to intervene. He said he wanted to handle it. I think at some point, as a parent, you do need to back off and let the kid handle being teased. I would keep track of it to make sure it doesn't get out of hand, but give your kid some room to handle it. You can't protect your kid forever, and it would be better to teach your kids to deal with it rather than always coming to the rescue - kind of like teaching a person to fish rather than giving them the fish.. you know what I mean.

You said your older DSs were nice to her. Maybe you could ask your DSs how your DD should handle it. Get a glimpse into the inner workings of a 9 yr old boy's brain.

[Anonymous]

Lawyer up.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it is unrealistic for a 10 yr old to pull off, but what drove my bully insane was when I agreed with her. "Yep - I do like Jimmy. Love him. Love everything about him." etc etc. it took all the wind out of the sail and left the bully in the position of agreeing with ME just to try to get the power back. The more your daughter piles on in agreement, the less control the bully has to tease. (She should also stand face to face with him when she does it. As in a foot away. Just march right up to the little doucher. She can be assertive in a physical way even if she's smaller. Invading a persons physical space is another way to take power back.) Instead now he knows he is getting her goat and her being upset continues to feed the behavior.

[Anonymous]

"you seem obsessed with larlo.. Are you jealous? ... or you seem obsessed with my looks.. are you jealous...?", etc..

Or, just tell your DD to give him a cold, blank stare. Not a dirty look, just blank. Hold his gaze. Maybe this is asking too much of a 10 yr old to do?

[Anonymous]

Unless they are going to see each other at times when you are not present over the summer, it seems crazy to try to address this just days before the school year is to end - especially because your DD does not want you to do anything. Really, you can't expect that anyone is going to do anything right now except to get through the next three days. Best thing you can do is be supportive to your DD and see how things start out next year.