My 17, soon to be 18 year old nephew is struggling with his mother disowning him

[Anonymous]

We are a couple weeks away from sending off my nephew to a service academy. Everyone is so happy for him and proud. This is my DHs brother's son. My DH was miltary after college and my nephews father enlisted out of high school. My family comes from a long line of military and my brother and 3 cousins all went to service academies. So we are all pretty supportive of his choice.

My nephews mother (who is divorced from his father) has said she disowns him. She says she doesn't want her son to be a baby killer and she is blaming my brother for this, because my brother walked him through the steps to becoming nominated. It is such a mess!

I feel badly for her because I think she is just afraid for her son, that he will likely be deployed someone scary in the future. I get it. My oldest is only 12 and he is all about joining the military and a tiny part of me wants him him not to. I hope she comes around, but I fear she is missing out on a milestone by not "seeing him off"

My nephew is staying with us right now and I just want to help him. He is both excited about this new chapter in his life and devastated by his mother's behavior. Poor baby broke down crying last night, saying he had lost his mother.

I don't want to get involved with his mother, that is for his father to deal with, if at all. My brother is a big boy and can handle the hate spewed at him.

Help me help my nephew. How do I keep him focused and excited? It doesn't help that he is turning 18 just a few days before he goes and we wanted to have a big celebration for him. Now he wants nothing.

[Anonymous]

DH's brother/your brother could contact the service academy and speak to a counselor. They have heard it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH's brother/your brother could contact the service academy and speak to a counselor. They have heard it all.

Oh, I never would have thought of that, really helpful. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH's brother/your brother could contact the service academy and speak to a counselor. They have heard it all.

Oh, I never would have thought of that, really helpful. Thank you!

+1.

[Anonymous]

Maybe ask him what he'd like to do for his birthday and get him involved in planning? Might take his mind off it?

[Anonymous]

If he has family members enlisted, he probably understands that war is dirty and that innocents suffer. I hope nobody sugarcoated it for him! If he's fine with that, his mother should respect his choice. But then I guess there's a reason his parents are divorced...

[Anonymous]

Remind him that his mother is likely acting out of fear (just like you said) and that she's probably using it as a defense mechanism to shield her from the idea that she could lose him. Tell him that she likely has some poor information (from the media and protesters) about the role of the military that she cannot wrap her head around without first hand knowledge. Perhaps if he sees that angle he will understand some of the conflict in her head.

[Anonymous]

You're a great aunt for being so supportive! My husband and I have actually discussed what we would do if our son (toddler now, so clearly we have some time) wanted to join the military. Obviously it's a great service to your country, and getting into a service academy is a huge honor. But it's our kid...

[Anonymous]

The mother is very immature and foolish. Hopefully she will come around. I say this as someone who would not want my own child joining the military and does not support wars, etc. but can't imagine disowning a child, no matter what. You don't do that to your child. And you don't blame the troops for wars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The mother is very immature and foolish. Hopefully she will come around. I say this as someone who would not want my own child joining the military and does not support wars, etc. but can't imagine disowning a child, no matter what. You don't do that to your child. And you don't blame the troops for wars.

Agree. She probably thinks it's her only bargaining chip.

[Anonymous]

My family is military too (sister and BIL met on ship, parents met on AF base, Army helped dyslexic uncle finish HS when he didn't want just a GED, grandfather was POW in Vietnam, etc). Have your nephew call the counselor, definitely, but I would also suggest seeing if he can get in touch with others who will be starting with him, see where they're located and perhaps offer to have one or two stay with you for a few days. The camaraderie will help.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. I'm going through something similar, only it's my own brother who's disowning his teenaged boy. It's so hard. I can't control my brother, but I can make sure my nephew understands that I love him unconditionally, and will always be there for him. That my house is open to him at any time, and he can live with us the day he turns 18 if he wants.

You are offering that, too, and it means a lot more than you might think. It doesn't erase the pain of his mother acting like a complete jerk.

Unfortunately it's part of being an adult -- making life choices that not everyone is going to agree with. If she's emotionally stable at all, she will likely come around eventually. If she's not, well, then, I'm sure this isn't the first challenge he's faced with her. I second contacting a counselor at the academy. But support from loving adults in his life is critical too. I wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for the advice everyone. My brother and nephew are talking to someone at his academy today. We also invited two families to stay with us the night before they start, saves them on hotels and gives us an instant get together. That was great advice.

He is still hurting but looking a bit more on the bright side.

She went about this poorly I think. She kept giving hints about not wanting to go and talking up other schools, she never gave a clue though that she would react this way if he was accepted to the academy. I think thats why it hit him so hard. If he felt he was making a conscious choice to go against his mothers wishes, it would have been easier for him to handle.

Poor guy, growing up very very fast right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. I'm going through something similar, only it's my own brother who's disowning his teenaged boy. It's so hard. I can't control my brother, but I can make sure my nephew understands that I love him unconditionally, and will always be there for him. That my house is open to him at any time, and he can live with us the day he turns 18 if he wants.

You are offering that, too, and it means a lot more than you might think. It doesn't erase the pain of his mother acting like a complete jerk.

Unfortunately it's part of being an adult -- making life choices that not everyone is going to agree with. If she's emotionally stable at all, she will likely come around eventually. If she's not, well, then, I'm sure this isn't the first challenge he's faced with her. I second contacting a counselor at the academy. But support from loving adults in his life is critical too. I wish you the best.

Actually, if your brother is disowning his son, you might check into emancipated minors (so that he could live with you asap). Another option is petitioning a family court judge to award you temporary custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. I'm going through something similar, only it's my own brother who's disowning his teenaged boy. It's so hard. I can't control my brother, but I can make sure my nephew understands that I love him unconditionally, and will always be there for him. That my house is open to him at any time, and he can live with us the day he turns 18 if he wants.

You are offering that, too, and it means a lot more than you might think. It doesn't erase the pain of his mother acting like a complete jerk.

Unfortunately it's part of being an adult -- making life choices that not everyone is going to agree with. If she's emotionally stable at all, she will likely come around eventually. If she's not, well, then, I'm sure this isn't the first challenge he's faced with her. I second contacting a counselor at the academy. But support from loving adults in his life is critical too. I wish you the best.

Actually, if your brother is disowning his son, you might check into emancipated minors (so that he could live with you asap). Another option is petitioning a family court judge to award you temporary custody.

Hi, I'm that PP. I would if it ever comes to that, but his mom is around, just not very involved. My brother has ditched his kid for his new girlfriend and has chosen her kids over his own. I've never seen anything like it. He has primary custody. Now he leaves his kid at home while he takes his girlfriend and her kids on vacation. It's like Cinderella, but the kids are all boys.