Do you punish your tween for saying I hate you etc ?

[Anonymous]

Curious what others do. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

My teens only said this to us a few times, however I never punished them for saying something like that to their dad or me. I believe teenagers are dealing with enough emotionally, so I'll give them a pass on these sort of occasional outbursts. What I would punish is acting like this is public, or any kind of behavior that's out of control, like throwing or breaking things, and certainly hitting. Words -- I let it be, however I won't engage beyond a certain point with a tantruming teen. I will leave the room or tell them to do so until they can be civil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My teens only said this to us a few times, however I never punished them for saying something like that to their dad or me. I believe teenagers are dealing with enough emotionally, so I'll give them a pass on these sort of occasional outbursts. What I would punish is acting like this is public, or any kind of behavior that's out of control, like throwing or breaking things, and certainly hitting. Words -- I let it be, however I won't engage beyond a certain point with a tantruming teen. I will leave the room or tell them to do so until they can be civil.

Same here. "I hate you" is an "I" statement about how they're feeling at that moment. Who am I to quibble or punish someone for what they're feeling? Now if it moves into name-calling, derogatory statements, etc, then we're in a different place. You can be angry and upset. But you don't get to be physical, hurl insults or yell. Like PP, I stop engaging by walking away and letting them know I'll talk when they're ready to do so appropriately.

--mom of a 14 year old and former 6th grade teacher

[Anonymous]

Dd is 12 and hasn't said it (yet?). But no I would not punish her for that. She's entitled to her feelings even if they hurt mine. I'm an adult, and I can take it. After she's calmed down we can talk about why she said it and how strong a word it is, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dd is 12 and hasn't said it (yet?). But no I would not punish her for that. She's entitled to her feelings even if they hurt mine. I'm an adult, and I can take it. After she's calmed down we can talk about why she said it and how strong a word it is, etc.

This. How we use words with others is an ongoing life lesson. But the lesson is best taught, IMO, when people have cooler heads.

[Anonymous]

Neither of my kids would ever say that to me although I am sure they have said it under their breath. I trained them a long time ago on how DH and I were to be spoken to. Parents missed a step if their kids are saying such things to them as tweens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Curious what others do. Thanks.

My son is 8 and he has said it a few times when he is angry at me over disciplining him for whatever reason. I just respond, "Well, I love you. I know you are angry and it's ok to be angry. But I want you to know your words hurt my feelings." Then I go about my business and let him sulk. After everything is calm we can talk about it and he usually apologizes or says something like "mommy, I don't really hate you, I was just angry".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Neither of my kids would ever say that to me although I am sure they have said it under their breath. I trained them a long time ago on how DH and I were to be spoken to. Parents missed a step if their kids are saying such things to them as tweens.

I'd prefer my tween say this direct to me rather than under his breath. I want him to develop the skills to express and handle anger and other feelings, including uncomfortable ones.

[Anonymous]

"directly to me," I meant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Neither of my kids would ever say that to me although I am sure they have said it under their breath. I trained them a long time ago on how DH and I were to be spoken to. Parents missed a step if their kids are saying such things to them as tweens.

Be careful. Sometimes really great parenting doesn't result I perfect outcomes.... Statements like yours are often heard by the gods, and rewarded....

My son has never said "I hate you." I assume he has thought it, because he is a teen and I have most of the power. But he never said it. Is that solely due to my incredible parenting? Doubt it.

[Anonymous]

What you need is a witty retort. I remember one episode of Malcolm in the Middle where he said "I wish you were dead" to his mother. Her reply was "Well, I'm taking you with me."

A witty retort is worth its weight in gold, but for the life of me I can't think of one right now.

Anyone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What you need is a witty retort. I remember one episode of Malcolm in the Middle where he said "I wish you were dead" to his mother. Her reply was "Well, I'm taking you with me."

A witty retort is worth its weight in gold, but for the life of me I can't think of one right now.

Anyone?

lol, yes. These are perfect when the kid is just trying to get a rise out of you.

[Anonymous]

Whatever you do, don't say it back. My mom snapped that back at me once, and I probably deserved it, but I will never forget the feeling of questioning the unconditional love of my parents.

[Anonymous]

Way to make it more hurtful previous poster. I am so glad your kids never said it to you and that it was a result of your perfect parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What you need is a witty retort. I remember one episode of Malcolm in the Middle where he said "I wish you were dead" to his mother. Her reply was "Well, I'm taking you with me."

A witty retort is worth its weight in gold, but for the life of me I can't think of one right now.

Anyone?

"I'm sorry you feel that way."