when covert manipulator becomes overt - seeking insights

[Anonymous]

A relative who's known for covert manipulations has made one of her children her special target over the years. Based on what this child has shared, the manipulator has usually been less covert about her aggression toward the child. Apparently, a lengthy history of physical abuse. Even more disturbingly, the mother expresses glee when the child is hurt. Not even close family members have been fully aware of this dynamic.

What some family and friends have believed (and still believe) is that the child is a problem and the mother is a caring woman. (Some former friends have a different perspective now.) The evidence paints a different picture. The child is a talented student who's won prestigious scholarships. She hasn't gotten into trouble at school or elsewhere in the community. She doesn't drink, use drugs, etc., and spends most of her free time studying.

We didn't learn about the physical violence, which continued while her daughter was in college, until the most recent incident. That incident was this: the relative threatened serious harm toward her child (who's now in college). She then proceeded to fulfill that threat. We have solid evidence of the threat and its fulfillment. Let's just say it's something along the lines of an iphone recording, as well as the physical wounds the child suffered, etc. The pretext for the threat that the relative provides in the recording is that she's "tired of" her attitude. She doesn't elaborate.

We've removed the child from the home and have taken a number of steps to support her emotionally and financially, so her safety's not the focus on this thread.

My question is this: why does a covert manipulator suddenly switch to overt threats? Additionally, is it typical that this switch also involves such an escalation in violence? I understand that this relative has been "less covert" with this particular child all along, but her daughter tells us she was surprised by the conversation in question because "that's not how Mom does things," and, based on our understanding of this relative, it seems out of character.

We're reasonably certain, BTW, that we understand her basic motivation. Shortly before, her husband had committed to supporting their daughter through graduate school. Instead of leaving home in one year after finishing her B.S., her daughter would be staying at least another year beyond that.

I would very much appreciate responses from posters who have BTDT. TIA.

[Anonymous]

My WAG: Abusers are generally attempting to control people; as they fear losing control more, they escalate. The more out of control/threatened they are, the less able to maintain a facade...the more things "leak".

I also think you are very incorrect about the motivation - the motivation likely has much more to do with finding the child in some way threatening (not that the child is actually threatening) to the mother and/or her self image, and also seeing an opportunity to exert even more control.

Of all the things to ask/wonder about with this situation, this one seems...strange. Honestly, I wouldn't worry about it (involve yourself) beyond providing the child a safe escape and access to resources. She needs professional help handling the effects of the abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My WAG: Abusers are generally attempting to control people; as they fear losing control more, they escalate. The more out of control/threatened they are, the less able to maintain a facade...the more things "leak".

I also think you are very incorrect about the motivation - the motivation likely has much more to do with finding the child in some way threatening (not that the child is actually threatening) to the mother and/or her self image, and also seeing an opportunity to exert even more control.

Of all the things to ask/wonder about with this situation, this one seems...strange. Honestly, I wouldn't worry about it (involve yourself) beyond providing the child a safe escape and access to resources. She needs professional help handling the effects of the abuse.

Thank you for this response. We've been dealing with this issue for a few months now. Therapists and family counselors have been very helpful. I understand that my young relative's healing process is just beginning.

Although what you write echoes what we've heard from therapists, I remain perplexed about this sudden and drastic change. She clearly viewed her daughter as a threat prior to this recent event. To protect our young relative's privacy, I'm withholding a number of details about this situation. Suffice it to say that the sudden escalation is mystifying.

Would you clarify your comment "seeing an opportunity to exert even more control"?

I should note that we're not concerned about the mother trying to undermine us, although she's unhappy with our support for her daughter. What we are concerned about is how this will play out for her daughter - who is still quite vulnerable - in the future.

[Anonymous]

this is written very....oddly, which I get in that you're trying to protect identities.

But as the PP said, not sire why this is the one thing you're worried about.

You yourself typed that there is a lengthy history of physical aggression against this one target. So why do you think it's suddenly escalated? Because it's finally serious enough for you all to have figured it out? The poor girl has been abused for years. FOR YEARS.

It seems common that an abuser might target one particular child for worse abuse than others. That seems to be the situation you have. I'd focus on the abused victim, the other victims (who have ben abused even if they've just merely watched the abuse) and the future victim - the next person that becomes the target.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this is written very....oddly, which I get in that you're trying to protect identities.

But as the PP said, not sire why this is the one thing you're worried about.

You yourself typed that there is a lengthy history of physical aggression against this one target. So why do you think it's suddenly escalated? Because it's finally serious enough for you all to have figured it out? The poor girl has been abused for years. FOR YEARS.

It seems common that an abuser might target one particular child for worse abuse than others. That seems to be the situation you have. I'd focus on the abused victim, the other victims (who have ben abused even if they've just merely watched the abuse) and the future victim - the next person that becomes the target.

OP here - thank you, I do appreciate this perspective. Yes, I'm changing some details in addition to omitting others since the families are local.

Our young relative explains that the long-term abuse was painful, but not dangerous. Her mother kicked, hit, punched, etc. The most recent incident was quite dangerous, and could have resulted in long-term effects. Our relative views it as an escalation.

Therapists have told us that the why isn't important, but now that the dust has settled, my young relative is internalizing the recent event. In the end, of course, the escalation gave her the courage to confide in us, which led to her removal from her family home. I see a productive outcome, but I'm naturally concerned about future developments. It's unsettling, knowing now what her mother is capable of doing, and wondering what she might do in the future.

[Anonymous]

Covert to overt...perhaps exposing themselves, consciously or even sub consciously, in hopes for intervention and getting help.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP, It is hard to understand the thinking of an abuser because the abuse is, in itself, irrational..... I was in an abusive relationship for years and finally left, got help.... Asking why? or why didi it escalate? isn't productive I think because there is no rhyme or reason to it.... There is often the analogy of the frog in the frying pan, where abuse victims get conditioned/numb to the abuse and don't realize it until it escalates further... I am so sorry to hear about your relative, but I agree with others that I would turn your focus to helping her so she does not perpetuate the cycle of abuse.... BTW, it is typical for abusers to blame their victims -as the mother in this instance apparently has done -very common behavior = you might find the Patricia Evans Book "tHe Verbally Abusive relationship" enlightening in terms of trying to get into the mind of an abuser and answering your question about covert become overt.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP, It is hard to understand the thinking of an abuser because the abuse is, in itself, irrational..... I was in an abusive relationship for years and finally left, got help.... Asking why? or why didi it escalate? isn't productive I think because there is no rhyme or reason to it.... There is often the analogy of the frog in the frying pan, where abuse victims get conditioned/numb to the abuse and don't realize it until it escalates further... I am so sorry to hear about your relative, but I agree with others that I would turn your focus to helping her so she does not perpetuate the cycle of abuse.... BTW, it is typical for abusers to blame their victims -as the mother in this instance apparently has done -very common behavior = you might find the Patricia Evans Book "tHe Verbally Abusive relationship" enlightening in terms of trying to get into the mind of an abuser and answering your question about covert become overt.....

Thank you, PP, for this perspective. It's helpful to hear from people who've been through somewhat similar experiences. As I read responses on this thread, I realize I'm going to need to focus on directing my young relative's attention away from the question of what caused the escalation. This is a question that's become very important to her, and this may have influenced me to become rather preoccupied by it, too. Perhaps we're looking for rational causes where there are none, as you suggest.

I'm sorry to know you were in an abusive relationship. Glad you're in a better place now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP, It is hard to understand the thinking of an abuser because the abuse is, in itself, irrational..... I was in an abusive relationship for years and finally left, got help.... Asking why? or why didi it escalate? isn't productive I think because there is no rhyme or reason to it.... There is often the analogy of the frog in the frying pan, where abuse victims get conditioned/numb to the abuse and don't realize it until it escalates further... I am so sorry to hear about your relative, but I agree with others that I would turn your focus to helping her so she does not perpetuate the cycle of abuse.... BTW, it is typical for abusers to blame their victims -as the mother in this instance apparently has done -very common behavior = you might find the Patricia Evans Book "tHe Verbally Abusive relationship" enlightening in terms of trying to get into the mind of an abuser and answering your question about covert become overt.....

Thank you, PP, for this perspective. It's helpful to hear from people who've been through somewhat similar experiences. As I read responses on this thread, I realize I'm going to need to focus on directing my young relative's attention away from the question of what caused the escalation. This is a question that's become very important to her, and this may have influenced me to become rather preoccupied by it, too. Perhaps we're looking for rational causes where there are none, as you suggest.

I'm sorry to know you were in an abusive relationship. Glad you're in a better place now.

OP, I hope your relative is not feeling as if it is something she did that caused the abuse to escalate. It is totally not her fault, and totally on the abuser. As to why the abuse has escalated, maybe the abuser is mentally ill and her condition is deteriorating. Just a thought.