Middle School Shunning and How to Overcome?

[Anonymous]

Has your DC ever been shunned by a new group of friends for doing something very minor (but perhaps viewed as a power move by a jealous or narcissistic alpha male/female in the group) and how did he/she deal with it? Eg., suddenly banned from the chat room, outings, silent treatment, "unfollowing", one word text responses, etc. Is this a form of power control in which the alpha male or female tries to show who is boss and convinces the beta dogs to go along?

[Anonymous]

Yes. DC didn't recover until he switched schools. That was our answer.

[Anonymous]

That's awful. Where do kids learn shunning? Seems harsh.

[Anonymous]

It's a new form of bullying. The worst part is it's on DD's team, outside of school. Coach has been made aware but it's so subtle yet maddening. DD has moments of sadness about it. She felt used as she did a lot for the group (getting them more followers on Instagram as she has a channel with a big following ) prior to the shunning.

[Anonymous]

I just read "Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls" by Rachel Simmons. Highly recommended.

[Anonymous]

I'll have to check out that book. Also, leaning on our faith.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a new form of bullying. The worst part is it's on DD's team, outside of school. Coach has been made aware but it's so subtle yet maddening. DD has moments of sadness about it. She felt used as she did a lot for the group (getting them more followers on Instagram as she has a channel with a big following ) prior to the shunning.

It's hardly new. Happened to me in 7th grade in 1984. Obviously not with the text messages and such, but my former tight group of BFFs started ignoring me in school and stopped answering my calls, and when they did call it was with one person on 3-way on mute listening in while the other one tricked me into saying bad stuff about her. Good times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a new form of bullying. The worst part is it's on DD's team, outside of school. Coach has been made aware but it's so subtle yet maddening. DD has moments of sadness about it. She felt used as she did a lot for the group (getting them more followers on Instagram as she has a channel with a big following ) prior to the shunning.

It sucks, but I'm not sure it's all that new. I remember it from my own eighth grade experience, unfortunately. But I'm guessing all the social media / tech venues make it feel even worse to kids now.

Does DC have friends who are unconnected to this group? Teammates from a different sport or even a former team? Friends from the neighborhood? Friends who go to other schools? Kids DC knows from Sunday school / church / youth group etc? Or even a friend who moved away but is still even tangentially in touch?

It won't take away the hurt, but it may help a bunch if DC has even one friend (or group of friends) to turn to outside this group. Just having someone to be with and talk with can bring comfort, even if they're not as close friends as this group once was.

[Anonymous]

My 10 year old was shunned from a group from school for no reason we could ever figure out. She was very sad and I eventually got her some counseling to help her deal with these kind of issues. She had about 8 sessions and is doing much better, she doesn't care about being friends with these girls anymore and I hope she will make better choices in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a new form of bullying. The worst part is it's on DD's team, outside of school. Coach has been made aware but it's so subtle yet maddening. DD has moments of sadness about it. She felt used as she did a lot for the group (getting them more followers on Instagram as she has a channel with a big following ) prior to the shunning.

It sucks, but I'm not sure it's all that new. I remember it from my own eighth grade experience, unfortunately. But I'm guessing all the social media / tech venues make it feel even worse to kids now.

Does DC have friends who are unconnected to this group? Teammates from a different sport or even a former team? Friends from the neighborhood? Friends who go to other schools? Kids DC knows from Sunday school / church / youth group etc? Or even a friend who moved away but is still even tangentially in touch?

It won't take away the hurt, but it may help a bunch if DC has even one friend (or group of friends) to turn to outside this group. Just having someone to be with and talk with can bring comfort, even if they're not as close friends as this group once was.

Thanks for the suggestions yes, she does have Some friends at school and former teammates, but not as a group and not consistent. She was finally feeling part of a group that shared her passion for her sport, so impt to a middle schooler and this happens. We are taking her back to youth group. This year's team practice changed and interfered with her ability to go. It's all kids from different schools, but she so badly wants local drama- free friends that she can do normal, fun things with. She is a sweet, intelligent, kind girl .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a new form of bullying. The worst part is it's on DD's team, outside of school. Coach has been made aware but it's so subtle yet maddening. DD has moments of sadness about it. She felt used as she did a lot for the group (getting them more followers on Instagram as she has a channel with a big following ) prior to the shunning.

It sucks, but I'm not sure it's all that new. I remember it from my own eighth grade experience, unfortunately. But I'm guessing all the social media / tech venues make it feel even worse to kids now.

Does DC have friends who are unconnected to this group? Teammates from a different sport or even a former team? Friends from the neighborhood? Friends who go to other schools? Kids DC knows from Sunday school / church / youth group etc? Or even a friend who moved away but is still even tangentially in touch?

It won't take away the hurt, but it may help a bunch if DC has even one friend (or group of friends) to turn to outside this group. Just having someone to be with and talk with can bring comfort, even if they're not as close friends as this group once was.

NP, this is what saved me in sixth grade. I had other friends from the neighborhood and church. Then in seventh grade there was a big shakeup among the girls and I had new friends at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a new form of bullying. The worst part is it's on DD's team, outside of school. Coach has been made aware but it's so subtle yet maddening. DD has moments of sadness about it. She felt used as she did a lot for the group (getting them more followers on Instagram as she has a channel with a big following ) prior to the shunning.

It's hardly new. Happened to me in 7th grade in 1984. Obviously not with the text messages and such, but my former tight group of BFFs started ignoring me in school and stopped answering my calls, and when they did call it was with one person on 3-way on mute listening in while the other one tricked me into saying bad stuff about her. Good times.

Yikes - when did things turn around for you?

[Anonymous]

My DD goes through this at swim team during the summer. Its awful. She insists she doesn't want to quit, because she loves to race, and does have a couple close friends, but the vast majority in her age group do all sorts of weird shunning things. One of the most egregious, and one I don't understand how the coach allows, is a group of girls wear different, matching suits to the meets instead of the team suit all to indicate they're all a unit and the rest are not. She is not allowed in the team tent when her age group is in there (the girls gather and close the circle), and they do not speak to her - even when she is on the relay team with them. I do not understand why she won't quit, but she does have friends and told me she has realized it is just them, and not anything she has done wrong, and she won't them ruin her sport for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a new form of bullying. The worst part is it's on DD's team, outside of school. Coach has been made aware but it's so subtle yet maddening. DD has moments of sadness about it. She felt used as she did a lot for the group (getting them more followers on Instagram as she has a channel with a big following ) prior to the shunning.

It's hardly new. Happened to me in 7th grade in 1984. Obviously not with the text messages and such, but my former tight group of BFFs started ignoring me in school and stopped answering my calls, and when they did call it was with one person on 3-way on mute listening in while the other one tricked me into saying bad stuff about her. Good times.

Yikes - when did things turn around for you?

Not the pp, but this happened to me in high school too. It ended when I went away to college and found my people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD goes through this at swim team during the summer. Its awful. She insists she doesn't want to quit, because she loves to race, and does have a couple close friends, but the vast majority in her age group do all sorts of weird shunning things. One of the most egregious, and one I don't understand how the coach allows, is a group of girls wear different, matching suits to the meets instead of the team suit all to indicate they're all a unit and the rest are not. She is not allowed in the team tent when her age group is in there (the girls gather and close the circle), and they do not speak to her - even when she is on the relay team with them. I do not understand why she won't quit, but she does have friends and told me she has realized it is just them, and not anything she has done wrong, and she won't them ruin her sport for her.

OP here - I am inspired by your daughter's courage! Good for her! I also believe that mean girls like that will get what's coming to them some day.