"Husband hunting" vs dating

[Anonymous]

I'm three years out from my divorce, and am feeling pressured by well-intentioned friends to start dating again. I know they want me to have fun. I recognize that I'm too young to simply give up on the chance of marrying again. My children have kept me happily occupied since their father left. I've done internal work with the help of a great therapist. My house is pretty much in order. I've started going out with girlfriends in the evenings.

From those of you who have BTDT, how do you manage to date? I'm not talking about the logistics, just the idea of dating casually without the added weight of finding someone who'd be a good life partner and father? It starts to feel very complicated once I entertain the idea of just dating for fun. It doesn't feel like something I want to do. I've broaden my group of girlfriends though, without any issues! I am interested in new friendships and have really enjoyed getting to know people who feel like a good fit for the life I have now. by this I mean, they know I'm not available at certain times or that they'll have to include the kids in their plans if they want to see me on occasion. Of course, this isn't always the case, but sometimes a friend has to make an effort, like come by the house and gossip over mimosas in the backyard while the kids play. I can't meet for a brunch out.

How do you do this with men you're interested in dating without seeming to move too fast? I'd like to make room for a male friend (eventual boyfriend?) but can't imagine introducing them to my children or having them in my home after only a couple of dates. Also, haven't the metrics of a good potential date changed since having kids? "He's cute!" used to be enough. Now, I worry about all sorts of other things and it stifles any urge to reach out.

Any advice on how to get started?

[Anonymous]

Try not to overthink it. I see a lot of my friends getting really stressed and way overthinking dating because they are anxious to marry (or remarry) and have kids (or have more kids.) And guys can sometimes sense that and run.

Just enjoy yourself. If you meet a guy who seems interesting, flirt a bit and see if he asks you out. If he asks you out, go. Don't look at him as a potential husband, just enjoy the night out. If he turns out to be really terrible, try to remember all the ways in which he's terrible so you have a funny story for your friends. If he turns out great, then you can start figuring out the logistics a few weeks down the road.

If you're not meeting anyone interesting, go online (i like OK Cupid) and see what's out there.

If someone seems great but you can't get the schedules to work, he's probably not the right guy for you. (i.e. if he's long-distance and his custody schedule is very different - makes it hard to get a relationship off the ground.)

good luck!

[Anonymous]

Just take things one date at a time. Date multiple people, focus on having fun, doing new things, and see how it goes.

You set the rules for when he gets to go to your house, meet your children, and all of that. You can go out with someone just because he's cute if you want, but don't settle for someone with too many shortcomings if you're looking for something more serious. Sure it's scary to put yourself out there again, but just try to take it one date at a time.

[Anonymous]

I would be concerned first with not bringing child molestors into your home. Then, you find a compatible partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be concerned first with not bringing child molestors into your home. Then, you find a compatible partner.

Is this just another poster telling a single mom to remain a nun until her youngest is 18?

[Anonymous]

If you're willing to online date, you can lay out exactly where you're at and who you're looking for in your profile. If you do that you will get fewer responses, but at least some of them should be men looking for the same things.

I agree that it's hard to date when you're older and divorced because even if you don't want to have expectation there are a lot of social pressures you don't have in your 20s (how would this person fit with my kids, will this person get sick of monday night dates while my kids are with the ex, is this person expecting something more serious than I"m ready for), but at some point you just need to let yourself be vulnerable and try it. I'm just starting to date after divorce, and am not planning to introduce my kid unless there is a longterm commitment-that means I go on dates at random times, but the people I've gone out with seem pretty understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be concerned first with not bringing child molestors into your home. Then, you find a compatible partner.

Is this just another poster telling a single mom to remain a nun until her youngest is 18?

New poster here. It's a valid issue. I've seen a lot of it in the criminal justice system where a woman meets a man and then let's him start babysitting a few weeks after meeting. I'm not saying being a nun, and honestly that's a "plus" of shared custody. You can date your heart out while the kids are with the ex. Just be discriminating about who you bring home to your kids.

[Anonymous]

Women like you've described above are probably not thoughtful enough to post these types of questions nor wait 3 years post divorce to date.

OP, I hire a sitter for dates and I don't bring the guy home. I go to his place if it comes to that point. Haven't introduced anyone to DD so far though she has met a few guys I've dated. In those cases, I knew the guys through friends or work and she was around them prior to them expressing interest in dating. I would have to be serious about a guy (or a few months in) before making introductions.