Helpful mantras for giving young teens room to grow?

[Anonymous]

Ok, I'm the mom who monitors social media, tries to get to know my kids' friends and their parents,and so on. My (s)mother was overprotective and I don't want to be that.

Are there things you tell yourself to keep a rein on the inclination to micromanage growing teens, so that you can be a caring, but not smothering, parent?

[Anonymous]

"I am not my mother, I am not my mother , I am not my mother"

[Anonymous]

My mother was overprotective too. She never let me go to any concerts or clubs with friends, even when I was a senior in high school. I just let my 12 yr old sixth grader go to a concert of Youtubers with one of her best friends last week.

I don't have a mantra, but I tend to think "Am I REALLY being reasonable, or am I standing on ceremony here?" and "Is this the hill I want to die on?"
A month ago my DD told me she wanted to take a $115 babysitting course to get the certificate they give out that is issued by the government so she can babysit with her close friend. At first I started to argue with her, but as DD got more and more adamant I finally just said "Okay, let's drop it and just enjoy our snack right now," and changed the subject. That night I looked up the course she wanted to take. I figured out what she was talking about and found a place they can take a CPR course by the American Red Cross for free, much closer to our home. The next morning I explained to her what she was talking about, and how any asshole can create a "certificate" and print it at home, and how what she wanted exists for free. She was calmer and heard me then.

Had I tried to have this talk with my mother she'd have punished me for arguing with her and then decided I was too immature to babysit at all for a year.

[Anonymous]

My daughter has been babysitting for a year and has never taken a class. Do all babysitters do this?

[Anonymous]

Depending on the situation:
"Not a hill to die on."

"Form or substance?"

"Morals matter. Does this?"

"Caring, not coercive and controlling."

"She's only going to learn to be independent if you let her be independent. Give her skills and watch her soar."

"Every human has the right to make their own choices."

"She's her own person first and my child second. Give up the control, mom."

"She's competent and confident now let her show it."

"My morality means this must be her choice." Repeat frequently.

"She's her own person with her own path. She will feel free to be her. I will not be my mother." Repeat as needed.

I love my mom and she was a good mother by all objective standards. I'm a moral, successful, productive, mildly religious and patriotic, charity-supporting, social justice advocating, employed in a respectable job, adult. She raised me well. But she was also hugely overbearing with her hovering and her specific chosen path for me, and I was utterly terrified to come to her as a young adult and tell her I wanted to (and then had) decide(d) to travel my own path different from what she had wanted.

I was heavily sheltered and controlled as a child up through my college years, and although it was in the name of protection and moral guidance and worked in that regard it was massively stifling and had a clear negative impact.

My DD will feel free to be her own person and make her own decisions without my coercive control. I will take the best lessons from my mother, but my child will be her own person with clear agency over her own life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter has been babysitting for a year and has never taken a class. Do all babysitters do this?

No. I never took a class - I learned everything I knew from Baywatch.
No idea how she got it into her head that she needs a class. She has zero interest in little kids - I think she sees it as a good way to hang out with her friend and get more money for crap at Claires.

[Anonymous]

Lately I've been trying to tell myself, "back off" and "give her space." But I don monitor most social media and I'm glad I know her friends and her parents. She's attended a lot of concerts, albeit with adult chaperones and I've rarely said no to things. However, I will never regret not giving her unlimited access to her phone in middle school. Those were valuable limits.

[Anonymous]

Not exactly a mantra, but as much as I want to protect my kids, I work hard to make them independent. I allow them to make mistakes and develop skills in their own way unless there is going to be a long term or permanent effect of a bad decision, which is rare. I try not to project my fears on them.

[Anonymous]

OP here, sorry, doesn't have to be a "mantra," per se, just wise words! Thank you all for the feedback so far!

[Anonymous]

"Experience is the best teacher."

"She needs to learn to make her own decisions, and practice will help."

"I will only discuss important topics with her when I am calm and have thought it over."

"My children's willingness to talk with me and trust me is my greatest asset as a parent. It is short-sighted to jeopardize that unless absolutely necessary."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I am not my mother, I am not my mother , I am not my mother"

Lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter has been babysitting for a year and has never taken a class. Do all babysitters do this?

No. I never took a class - I learned everything I knew from Baywatch.
No idea how she got it into her head that she needs a class. She has zero interest in little kids - I think she sees it as a good way to hang out with her friend and get more money for crap at Claires.

Some parents like the class because it teaches basic first aid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Experience is the best teacher."

"She needs to learn to make her own decisions, and practice will help."

"I will only discuss important topics with her when I am calm and have thought it over."

"My children's willingness to talk with me and trust me is my greatest asset as a parent. It is short-sighted to jeopardize that unless absolutely necessary."

This!

Also: "I would rather pick up the pieces at 13 rather than watch from the sidelines and be able to do nothing at 18." Repeat ad nauseum.

"To succeed, they need to make mistakes and learn from them. To make mistakes, they need to have the opportunity. To give them the opportunity, I need to breathe and trust."

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised at how so many people are critical of their moms.

I've always really admired my mom and looked up to her. She had a very successful position in sales at a major company and only recently retired. She was very loving but didn't have a lot of extra time and I often missed her so much. But she just kind of expected good behavior and didn't have to monitor my brother and me too much because we didn't give her much grief. And my dad was great too.

So I'd pretty much just do the same with my kids, except that the world is a bit different now, and my kids seem to need a bit more guidance than my brother and I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I am not my mother, I am not my mother , I am not my mother"

...and yet, deep down inside- you are.