Neglecting other children?

[Anonymous]

This question is for parents who have other (typically developing) children in addition to SN child. How have you handled balancing the needs of your other kids when managing your SN child can truly be a full-time job? Would appreciate any advice.

[Anonymous]

I see no one else has replied yet, and I am wondering if it's because - like me - others have read this and thought, wow that is just too painful and difficult a question for me to tackle right now, I think I'll go advise about speech therapy or go read another forum.


No, seriously, it is a painful and difficult question. My (NT) daughter's life got turned upside down when her (SN) brother arrived 2.5 years after she was born. He was in the NICU for two weeks, then home but a constant source of concern - is he choking? is he breathing? - for a long time, and for years it seemed as though all of our schedules revolved around his doctors' and therapists' appts. And to this day, whenever anyone in our family coughs, everyone else says "Are you alright?" - even the children say this - because for years everytime my son would cough, I would go into a panic that he was choking (obviously he choked many times in his early years).

Anyway, my children are now 6 (NT) and 4(SN), and I don't know that I'm getting better at balancing the attention but I do know that I have found ways to communicate to my daughter how much I appreciate her and her patience with us and with her brother. It was very hard whenever she needed me for me to have the mental energy left to give her, and I think she has ended up HAVING to be a more resilient child than she otherwise may have been...she is fairly independent, plays by herself, eats great, sleeps great, etc all because, honestly, she HAD to. I was simply too spent at the end of each day with my SN son to have much left over for her. Luckily, she seems to have adapted to this, and as I said, I do carve out time at night, when he is asleep, to cuddle with her, and I also no longer work on Friday afternoons but I have my son with our nanny, so I can spend the afternoon with JUST her, and that has helped a lot.

One thing, and i don't know how old your children are, but now that both of my children are in school (daughter til 3 except Fridays, son til 11:30) everything is easier, as it's not a case of her having to cart around to his appts all the time anymore. And one last thing, on weekends I really try to do things that are fun TOGETHER with them, so that the only times they are together are not for appts but actually having fun and doing fun family things (even though his capacities to do some of those things may be less).

I don't know if anything in here is helpful to you, but mainly, I just wanted you to know that I completely agree that the sibling thing is a major issue - yet another added challenge for parents of children with SN to deal with. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I have struggled with this as well. I think no matter what you do, there is a certain amount of guilt associated with the balance you strike. This year, I hired a nanny which watches my 1 year old while I take my 3 year old (SN) to weekly appointments. I make a point of taking my 1 year old to classes while the oldest is in school and try to take him some afternoons as well while I leave my oldest with the nanny. It certainly isn't perfect but it is the best way that I can figure out to address both of their needs.

[Anonymous]

My kids are older than the PPs. My oldest is 10 and non special needs. My second is 6 and special needs. (I also have a baby who is not special needs). When my older son got to the point of homework and school activities, it seemed like thinks really balanced out because my older one then also had lots of needs. The only problem at that point was the exhaustion. When 9 pm hits, I can barely stand for anyone to talk to me because I have given all that is in me.