13 years old DD
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Anonymous
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Our DD was always difficult but extremely smart child. She is not the only child...
Recently situation became extreme... No sex or drugs yet... Child is in special program for smart kids. Does bare minimum. Recently grades made huge dip down. Just want to read fantasy books, watch anime and listen to music. No friends.. Thinks that she is entitle to everything. Bad attitude and big mouth. Very little respect to both parents. Already goes to psychologist with no result at this point... Believes that we are bad parents and she is poor child... Has no smart phone. Had to quit big sport due to health issue. Had to limit computer to only allowed sites, otherwise was studying for 5 minutes and just browsing or watching anime forever... Believes that nobody loves her and everyone cares only about grades... Any ideas? Help groups? |
Anonymous
| Draw her a pie chart showing all the things you care about in relation to her. |
Anonymous
| Did she have friends before or is this new? If these are only more recent examples of long term problems you might want to have her evaluated by a developmental pediatrician for a possible ASD. otherwise she sounds like someone who is depressed. You need to get her a new therapist. |
Anonymous
| She never had many friends and starting 4th grade lived in books world...Before sport consumed most of the time, now it is books and computer... |
Anonymous
| Set aside a time each day when you listen to her and don't judge. Then you'll win her trust back, and might understand better what's going on with her. |
Anonymous
Easier say than do. Even grandpa tried to take her out. She said, she is not in mood. I tried do something with her - cooking, sewing... Not interesting.... Obviously I cannot compete with anime... I cannot and will not provide Desney world everyday, or amusement park every weekend. She acts as normal only when she is having fun on big vacations (Disney, cruise or festival with entertainment.) |
Anonymous
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My rule is that kids have to do something for their body and something for their mind. She can help make dinner (measuring = mind) and come with you for a walk (body). She can rake leaves or play basketball, and she can do a mom/daughter book club.
Tell her "Either you pick, or I pick for you." |
Anonymous
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Would she be interested in helping at an animal rescue shelter working with cats or dogs? Or sometimes, pet stores are looking for volunteers on dog/cat adoption days. It may help her focus on something outside of herself. Just a thought.
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Anonymous
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She sounds typical of many teens and a little depressed. The parents sound like they need to talk to a therapist more than the kid to learn appropriate parenting skills.
Limit screen time. Turn off the WiF, presumably she doesn't need the Internet for everything related to homework. |
Anonymous
I think you need to take her to a developmental pediatrician or child psychiatrist. Seems like several things could be going on. She needs to see a medical doctor, not just a therapist. |
Anonymous
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How do you feel about her interests?
What is it she feels entitled to that is causing the most issue? How bad are her grades slipping? What are the consequences for that? How recently have the anime/fantasy interests occurred? Has she recently started her period? I was once a moody, out of step teenager. Looking back I can see a mixed bag of issues (hormones, depression, ADHD and just some old-fashioned mother-daughter drama) that I was dealing with. I remember feeling...intensely frustrated all the time. And I certainly passed that frustration on to my family. I don't know what specific things you can do (other PPs have been helpful), but do try to remember that her emotions are big but she doesn't have the language or perspective or emotion to keep them in check. The books, etc are likely an escape...a relief. You are the adult and even if she resents you, you are still her guide though the adolescent mess she's in. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like a normal, bookish kid cracking under too much academic pressure. Are there by any chance grandparents or other relatives abroad, ideally in a rural area without reliable internet service? A summer of running in the dirt, swimming in the pond, and reading books without anyone demanding much beyond maybe feeding the chickens could do wonders for her mood and attitude. |
Anonymous
Well do you? Is she extremely smart because she just is or is it because she studies a lot and has tons of anxiety over grades ? It's possible that the only energy she has left after dealing with anxiety of doing well in school, she has no energy left to be social. Also, I have very smart, did the bare minimum and could easily have spent hours on things I liked doing. Turns out I had inattentive ADD. |
Anonymous
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I wonder if you are my DD's friend's parent. Sounds a lot like her. If so, you're pressuring her and all of the negative reinforcement is backfiring on you. DD's friend's parents were downright mean when she missed getting into Algebra in 7th grade (made nasty, belittling comments, celebrated the brother's accomplishments but not the girl's because the girl didn't get into Algebra). It was horrible (at least from what I heard -- we moved away so it gets filtered through texts to DD, although the friends parents seem to be constantly taking way her phone to punish her). Anyway, of you are this girls' parents (tried to give you enough to let you figure it out), you're losing your daughter and you really should think critically about your parenting style.
My DD is also 13 and super into anime and computer games. She loves, loves, loves to code now. Perhaps teach your DD to code. Then she can be on computer but doing something productive. We used to limit screen tome but now the limits are self-imposed by DD because she knows she has to get good grades and knows how much work she has to do to get there (it's working-- she has straight A's). Personally, I think you have to respect your child's interests but let her know you have expectations and that you support her interests but she needs to meet your expectations, then let her do it her way (within reason). |
Anonymous
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OP here.
Thanks everyone. It is kind of complicated. Child seems addicted to anime and books. (Like real alcoholic, she has literal withdrawal with shaking and screaming if you take either..) We tried to set time for them and the rest to be studying and activities, helping around. That did not work. She craved so much, that she could not stop. (braked passwords, tried to record us when we used passwords, tried to watch anime in the middle of the night etc.) She has interests outside of school and happy to participate, but thinks that she is entitled to everything. Parents have to drive her, have to buy good clothes, have to provide her favorite food, have to respect her etc. On the other hand do not provide any respect back: I will not clean my room, I will not unload dishwasher, I will touch only my plate, I will not help around etc. I will do everything in order I want (i.e. promise things and break promised immediately.) I will study when I want to study... Grades are not all terrible... One subject E, one D and the rest are Bs. She is smart not because she works hard. She is gifted child (really gifted.) All teachers always said that she never works to her full potential, which is absolutely amazing. (She can get a B with absolutely minimal effort.) However at this point this potential wasted on how to break passwords, and how to outsmart parents, and how to make everyone do what I want to do... No she is not burned in school. She will do anything not to do any activities with the family. If family wants to go to park, she does not wants to go to park. If the rest of family wants to go to the right, she would go only to the left. If you have family dinner, she would prefer to eat at her room. It is non stop entertainment... |