Caring for an elderly parent

[Anonymous]

Does anyone have any good advice on how to deal (both emotionally and practically) while caring for an elderly parent? I think I'm part of the "sandwich generation" -- people needing to care for their own children while also taking on the responsibility of an aging parent.

Thanks in advance.

[Anonymous]

Is dementia of any kind a part of your picture? If so, there is a great book called "The 36-hour Day".

[Anonymous]

Is dementia of any kind a part of your picture? If so, there is a great book called "The 36-hour Day".

Fortunately, not yet. But it's a distinct possibility.

[Anonymous]

My mom is currently caring for my elderly 92 year old grandmother and my much younger 24 year old brother who is a "Failure to Launch" type. While he is not a child he is moderately dependant on her financially and always for advice and guidance. Additionally they are all living in the same house and my grandmother has staked out the family room as her perch so it is almost impossible to sit down with friends or alone just to relax without her being there expecting to be fully included even though she can't hear a thing. It is incredibly difficult but because my grandmother has no assets she was able to access a state (or federal, I'm not sure) program that provides unlimited companionship care in your home. This gives my mom the ability to work 5 days a week and one day off on the weekends so she can clear her head. She says that she couldn't do it without her anti-depressants and a lot of support from her friends who pitch in when my mom tries to get away for a weekend.

Depending on where you live there may be robust senior services through the county and/or state and it is certainly worth a phone call. Perhaps there is something out there that would give you piece of mind. Try this link http://www.eldercare.com/ it might be helpful in locating resouces. Sometimes it seems all the administration gets frustrating but I think once she has services and people in place it provides a tremendous amount of relief.

Where are you located?

Good luck

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the responses.

I'm in Arlington.

[Anonymous]

There are a number of resources but you have to look for them - the agencies with responsibility for elder care are different in each county sometimes but contact the Agency on Aging in your local area - you can also find resources by calling the hospital social workers/discharge planners, etc. If you are part of a church you may find volunteer programs there also. Many not profits - i.e. the Alzheimer's ASsociation - have resources online as might AARP.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I checked out the eldercare website. It looks like it will be very helpful -- many thanks, 11:18 PP. One resource that looks good is the Virginia Department for the Aging in Richmond. I plan to give them a call, but does anyone have any experience working with them or a similar agency in Arlington?

[Anonymous]

OP again. Thanks, 14:39 - I think you and I were posting at the same time.

Will definitely look into the other resources you mentioned. I have to admit I'm procrastinating a bit because it feels crappy to be having to think about this stuff for my mom while I'm in my 30's and we have a young child. But such is life, I guess. Jus tknowing that help is out there makes a difference.

[Anonymous]

I have an elderly father with dementia, am in my mid-30's and have two small children.
I've been through it all and can give you loads of advice if you need it.
Feel free to email me off-line if you have specific questions -- [e-mail].

Olivia

[Anonymous]

I'm not quite sure what your situation is -- you are dealing with an elderly parent, but are they living independently or with you? If independent are they facing problems with their health or ability to live independently? If health problems are they typical geriatric health problems or Alzheimers or Dementia? We might be able to provide better advice if we knew what type of situation you were facing. I have an elderly mother, but she doesn't have Alzheimers or Dementia, so our experience might not be much help depending on what you are dealing with.

There is an article in today's post about a service offered by Fairfax County: [http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/01/26/AR2008012601980.html]. Perhaps Arlington has something similar?

Best wishes to you.

[Anonymous]

I'm not quite sure what your situation is -- you are dealing with an elderly parent, but are they living independently or with you? If independent are they facing problems with their health or ability to live independently? If health problems are they typical geriatric health problems or Alzheimers or Dementia? We might be able to provide better advice if we knew what type of situation you were facing. I have an elderly mother, but she doesn't have Alzheimers or Dementia, so our experience might not be much help depending on what you are dealing with.

Thanks for your response and for the link to the article.

Right now, my mom lives independently, but there's a possibility she will live with us in the very near future. Her current state of health is fine, but she's had some major difficulties (both physical and mental) in the recent past. Her big problem right now is financial. My siblings and I have just started working to help her get her finances in order, but she made some bad decisions and I believe she was the victim of elder fraud.

I know I'm being vague, but I feel disloyal even writing about this. My mom is possibly the sweetest person you could meet, and I would hate to embarrass her. Olivia has sent me a great e-mail to which I need to respond. Any other help anyone can provide would be great, too.

Thanks again, everyone.

[Anonymous]

If she is having legal and mental issues then you definitely need to see highly qualified family/estate planning lawyer right away. The lawyer will probably recommend you get all her assets transferred to a trust. You'll also need to get legal and medical power of attorney (I know I'm using the wrong terms here). You need to get an attorney who is well versed with the laws where your mother lives as well as the laws of where you live (if she is going to move in with you). My mother moved all of her assets into a trust, made my sister and I trustees, and had us put on all her bank accounts. We set up all of her accounts so we can pay them on line or use auto pay. My mom really likes the freedom of not having to worry about the day to day stress of keeping up with bills, etc. It has also helps shelter her from elder abuse since she knows that we handle all the finances. She lives in FL and even though she is on the do not call list, she gets tons of swindlers calling her. My sister has called quite a number of those swindlers to give them a piece of her mind and she has turned a number of the companies and individuals over to the authorities. She lived in VA when she originally had her trust and other legal documentation written up, but we had to spend a good deal of $$ getting them re-written after she moved to FL.

You may also need to find her a good primary care physician who specializes in geriatrics. While alzheimers or dementia could be the cause of some of her problems it could also be due to medications that she is taking. You need to find someone who really knows or studies the PDR. My uncle was really having problems for a few years, he ended up in the hospital on one occasion and met a Dr who really knew his stuff. The doc took my uncle off all his meds except asprin and one prescription. Low an behold but 99% of all my uncle's problems went away. My mom sees a PCP, neurologist, nephralogist, oncologist, and opthamologist all on a regular basis (plus some others that I cannot think of right now). She has an excellent PCP who coordinates with all the others and really keeps on top of my mom's meds. In addition there are many diseases that can impact mental accuity, so if you have not already done so, it is good idea to get her evaluated as soon as possible so that they try and locate the problem and begin treating it.

I don't think you have any reason to feel disloyal for asking advice. Neither you or your mom have anything to be embarassed about. You are just trying to look after her best interests. This must be very stressful for you.

Best of Luck!

[Anonymous]

Thanks much for the thoughtful, informative response. I'll definitely look into the legal and health care issues.

A question for the PP (or anyone else, for that matter) -- how do you deal with a parent who does not want to be a burden? More specifically, how can I get my mom see that she needs help without making her feel guilty that her children have provide it? She goes to great efforts to hide the troubles she experiences because she doesn't want us to worry, but I can tell things are much harder for her than she lets on.

[Anonymous]

First of all, I think you need to explain that you love her very much and that it is important to you that she be happy in her elderly years. You might need to explain that you want her to be open about whatever troubles her -- not because you need to try and solve all her problems, but that perhaps you might be able to offer some ideas that will help solve some of them. Explain that helping to make sure that she is well taken care of -- legally, financially, emotionally makes you happy.

As far as the legal and financial documents -- the incentive for her doing those now is so that it will lessen the burden on you down the road.

As for the other things, I think the best way is to try and find solutions that allow you to help (and intervene when necessary) without having her sacrifice all her independence or autonomy. For instance, if living in a single family home is too much for your mom to keep up with, then moving into a retirement community may be an option -- especially if it is a good one that offers graduated levels of care (independent living, assisted living and nursing care -- I think they call these "lifecare communities"). It isn't cheap, but some of these communities are wonderful. Both my mom and aunt live in such communities. There are several in the DC area as well. To tell the truth, I'm already planning for the day I move into one of these communities -- it is incentive for me to save all my pennies now! These places are geared towards people with mobility issues, they usually provide at least one meal a day, they provide a social atmosphere and activities, and most apartments have emergency call buttons that connect to the nursing center. In addition, if a resident becomes ill and is hospitalized, it is often possible to transition through nursing care and assisted lving to ease the road back to independent living. Some also offer special wings in the nursing center for Alzheimers patients, but I think you have to be a regular independent resident first.

She might feel better if she can find resources that can help her without burdening you. For example -- perhaps your church offers transportation services for elderly people to take them to church on Sundays, or doctor's offices during the week, or to the grocery store.

I wish I had some better examples for you. Best of luck!