Tell me what divorce will be like

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Separated for 18 months. Kid is actually doing better now than he was in marriage.
I honestly don’t understand about the “damage”. Son had a few questions but they were mostly related to his his life is going to be. He was mostly upset about lack of videogames it seems (eyeroll).

The concern is - do you really know what's going on inside his head? It is not uncommon for kids to be so worried and anxious they shut down and refuse to talk about it, or to be “taking cover” when parents are angry or depressed, or to feel protective thus keep silent to shield parents from additional worry.

I'm a child of divorce and my mom had no idea what was going on inside my head. Huge anxiety, fear of abandonment, feeling like I'd done something wrong to cause daddy to go away, etc. etc.

yeah, it is extremely naive to be "oh, my kid is fine, no problem!"

Look. He was NOT ok with the dynamic we had in our marriage. I could see this. I am ashamed but I would take my stress and anger out on him sometimes.
I am much more confident and relaxed now, and so is he.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Separated for 18 months. Kid is actually doing better now than he was in marriage.
I honestly don’t understand about the “damage”. Son had a few questions but they were mostly related to his his life is going to be. He was mostly upset about lack of videogames it seems (eyeroll).

The concern is - do you really know what's going on inside his head? It is not uncommon for kids to be so worried and anxious they shut down and refuse to talk about it, or to be “taking cover” when parents are angry or depressed, or to feel protective thus keep silent to shield parents from additional worry.

I'm a child of divorce and my mom had no idea what was going on inside my head. Huge anxiety, fear of abandonment, feeling like I'd done something wrong to cause daddy to go away, etc. etc.

yeah, it is extremely naive to be "oh, my kid is fine, no problem!"

Look. He was NOT ok with the dynamic we had in our marriage. I could see this. I am ashamed but I would take my stress and anger out on him sometimes.
I am much more confident and relaxed now, and so is he.

Great, for now. His feelings and coping may change as he grows. Be aware and prepared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Separated for 18 months. Kid is actually doing better now than he was in marriage.
I honestly don’t understand about the “damage”. Son had a few questions but they were mostly related to his his life is going to be. He was mostly upset about lack of videogames it seems (eyeroll).

The concern is - do you really know what's going on inside his head? It is not uncommon for kids to be so worried and anxious they shut down and refuse to talk about it, or to be “taking cover” when parents are angry or depressed, or to feel protective thus keep silent to shield parents from additional worry.

I'm a child of divorce and my mom had no idea what was going on inside my head. Huge anxiety, fear of abandonment, feeling like I'd done something wrong to cause daddy to go away, etc. etc.

I have seen him before and after. He is becoming more relaxed, less high strung, more cooperative.

Or he's getting better at hiding his feeling from you. Or you are getting better at seeing what you want to see.

The person who wanted the divorce always insists the kids are "thriving".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Separated for 18 months. Kid is actually doing better now than he was in marriage.
I honestly don’t understand about the “damage”. Son had a few questions but they were mostly related to his his life is going to be. He was mostly upset about lack of videogames it seems (eyeroll).

The concern is - do you really know what's going on inside his head? It is not uncommon for kids to be so worried and anxious they shut down and refuse to talk about it, or to be “taking cover” when parents are angry or depressed, or to feel protective thus keep silent to shield parents from additional worry.

I'm a child of divorce and my mom had no idea what was going on inside my head. Huge anxiety, fear of abandonment, feeling like I'd done something wrong to cause daddy to go away, etc. etc.

I have seen him before and after. He is becoming more relaxed, less high strung, more cooperative.

Or he's getting better at hiding his feeling from you. Or you are getting better at seeing what you want to see.

The person who wanted the divorce always insists the kids are "thriving".

There's no need to shame divorced people; I understand the reflex until my sister mustered the courage to leave an abusive man. The kids are doing better without him there.

None of this is to say OP should do it just because she thinks there are better options on the dating scene. It looks nothing like what you remember in your 20s. And as a poster said above, there are great men out there, but they are all married and they all come out of the woodwork to try and sleep with you when they hear you are divorcing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Separated for 18 months. Kid is actually doing better now than he was in marriage.
I honestly don’t understand about the “damage”. Son had a few questions but they were mostly related to his his life is going to be. He was mostly upset about lack of videogames it seems (eyeroll).

The concern is - do you really know what's going on inside his head? It is not uncommon for kids to be so worried and anxious they shut down and refuse to talk about it, or to be “taking cover” when parents are angry or depressed, or to feel protective thus keep silent to shield parents from additional worry.

I'm a child of divorce and my mom had no idea what was going on inside my head. Huge anxiety, fear of abandonment, feeling like I'd done something wrong to cause daddy to go away, etc. etc.

This. Kids are prone to telling adults what the adults want to hear. And adults are prone to accepting it. Kids are just not mature enough to predict how they will feel in the future and often the kids don't know the whole story. For example, I thought my parents'divorce was the right call because they fought so much, but several years later I found out about my mother's affair and was devastated at her poor character and all the lies I realized she had been telling us. Another example, as a teenager I never thought about how my own children would have to divide up grandparent time, but as an adult I really struggle with doing the extra travel and feel sad that my kids are getting less. I'm not saying kids' opinions are worthless, but you have to look at them in context.

Dating is the least of your problems, Op. You seem in denial of that.

This is so true. Your kid is reeling internally at the breakup of his home and you are reading it as 'he's doing much better.' You are so foolish. Please get him counseling asap. He won't risk telling you what's really going on inside because you are his lifeline.

The lifelong issues of stepparents, stepsiblings, etc is so onerous and the person paying the price is the kid, not the parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m on the brink and the only thing at this point holding me back is fear of the unknown. I’m not sure exactly WHAT I’m afraid of- loneliness? Embarrassment about my failed marriage?

I’d love to know what to expect in terms of life, dating again, so on.

I am 35, attractive, 2 young kids (one has mild SN and is a huge handful). I work a lot but have a high income (particularly for a woman my age, I’m probably in the 1%). But, I also probably won’t have money to burn given the increased expenses associated with divorce.

I have a nagging feeling that the dating scene is rough.

If you are divorcing for the right reasons, once the dust settles, your life will be easier as a huge burden falls off your shoulders. Your kids will adjust and will be fine too. I don’t know where all those messed up kids come from, there are none in my circle. You may or may not remarry, but as someone here said, going into divorce you should be sure that even if you end up single for the rest of your life, you are still better off. In terms of dating, you’ll be wise to take it slowly, but you’ll work it out. With your income, you should be OK money wise, even if you might need to downsize a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Separated for 18 months. Kid is actually doing better now than he was in marriage.
I honestly don’t understand about the “damage”. Son had a few questions but they were mostly related to his his life is going to be. He was mostly upset about lack of videogames it seems (eyeroll).

The concern is - do you really know what's going on inside his head? It is not uncommon for kids to be so worried and anxious they shut down and refuse to talk about it, or to be “taking cover” when parents are angry or depressed, or to feel protective thus keep silent to shield parents from additional worry.

I'm a child of divorce and my mom had no idea what was going on inside my head. Huge anxiety, fear of abandonment, feeling like I'd done something wrong to cause daddy to go away, etc. etc.

This. Kids are prone to telling adults what the adults want to hear. And adults are prone to accepting it. Kids are just not mature enough to predict how they will feel in the future and often the kids don't know the whole story. For example, I thought my parents'divorce was the right call because they fought so much, but several years later I found out about my mother's affair and was devastated at her poor character and all the lies I realized she had been telling us. Another example, as a teenager I never thought about how my own children would have to divide up grandparent time, but as an adult I really struggle with doing the extra travel and feel sad that my kids are getting less. I'm not saying kids' opinions are worthless, but you have to look at them in context.

Dating is the least of your problems, Op. You seem in denial of that.

I am not OP, but the author of the top post in this subthread.
It’s not what my kid is saying. I never asked him if he is happy about the split. I just observe his behavior; he has become better at school, with friends, with me.
He now knows there are rules of the house; not what daddy says at the moment. At the same time, daddy is free to set the rules in his house, I don’t care.
I am not undermined, belittled, or brushed aside in my own home. This is a big deal.
Please do not tell me you know better what is best for my child and for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Separated for 18 months. Kid is actually doing better now than he was in marriage.
I honestly don’t understand about the “damage”. Son had a few questions but they were mostly related to his his life is going to be. He was mostly upset about lack of videogames it seems (eyeroll).

The concern is - do you really know what's going on inside his head? It is not uncommon for kids to be so worried and anxious they shut down and refuse to talk about it, or to be “taking cover” when parents are angry or depressed, or to feel protective thus keep silent to shield parents from additional worry.

I'm a child of divorce and my mom had no idea what was going on inside my head. Huge anxiety, fear of abandonment, feeling like I'd done something wrong to cause daddy to go away, etc. etc.

yeah, it is extremely naive to be "oh, my kid is fine, no problem!"

Look. He was NOT ok with the dynamic we had in our marriage. I could see this. I am ashamed but I would take my stress and anger out on him sometimes.
I am much more confident and relaxed now, and so is he.

Great, for now. His feelings and coping may change as he grows. Be aware and prepared.

Any child’s can. Heck, there might be onset of mental illness, happens to the best of us.
It is so pathetic that people see divorce as something evil.
Staying together and suffering is what’s evil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Separated for 18 months. Kid is actually doing better now than he was in marriage.
I honestly don’t understand about the “damage”. Son had a few questions but they were mostly related to his his life is going to be. He was mostly upset about lack of videogames it seems (eyeroll).

The concern is - do you really know what's going on inside his head? It is not uncommon for kids to be so worried and anxious they shut down and refuse to talk about it, or to be “taking cover” when parents are angry or depressed, or to feel protective thus keep silent to shield parents from additional worry.

I'm a child of divorce and my mom had no idea what was going on inside my head. Huge anxiety, fear of abandonment, feeling like I'd done something wrong to cause daddy to go away, etc. etc.

This. Kids are prone to telling adults what the adults want to hear. And adults are prone to accepting it. Kids are just not mature enough to predict how they will feel in the future and often the kids don't know the whole story. For example, I thought my parents'divorce was the right call because they fought so much, but several years later I found out about my mother's affair and was devastated at her poor character and all the lies I realized she had been telling us. Another example, as a teenager I never thought about how my own children would have to divide up grandparent time, but as an adult I really struggle with doing the extra travel and feel sad that my kids are getting less. I'm not saying kids' opinions are worthless, but you have to look at them in context.

Dating is the least of your problems, Op. You seem in denial of that.

This is so true. Your kid is reeling internally at the breakup of his home and you are reading it as 'he's doing much better.' You are so foolish. Please get him counseling asap. He won't risk telling you what's really going on inside because you are his lifeline.

The lifelong issues of stepparents, stepsiblings, etc is so onerous and the person paying the price is the kid, not the parent.

Why do you confuse me with OP? And what do step families have to do with me? I am not even dating, let alone remarrying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Separated for 18 months. Kid is actually doing better now than he was in marriage.
I honestly don’t understand about the “damage”. Son had a few questions but they were mostly related to his his life is going to be. He was mostly upset about lack of videogames it seems (eyeroll).

The concern is - do you really know what's going on inside his head? It is not uncommon for kids to be so worried and anxious they shut down and refuse to talk about it, or to be “taking cover” when parents are angry or depressed, or to feel protective thus keep silent to shield parents from additional worry.

I'm a child of divorce and my mom had no idea what was going on inside my head. Huge anxiety, fear of abandonment, feeling like I'd done something wrong to cause daddy to go away, etc. etc.

This. Kids are prone to telling adults what the adults want to hear. And adults are prone to accepting it. Kids are just not mature enough to predict how they will feel in the future and often the kids don't know the whole story. For example, I thought my parents'divorce was the right call because they fought so much, but several years later I found out about my mother's affair and was devastated at her poor character and all the lies I realized she had been telling us. Another example, as a teenager I never thought about how my own children would have to divide up grandparent time, but as an adult I really struggle with doing the extra travel and feel sad that my kids are getting less. I'm not saying kids' opinions are worthless, but you have to look at them in context.

Dating is the least of your problems, Op. You seem in denial of that.

This is so true. Your kid is reeling internally at the breakup of his home and you are reading it as 'he's doing much better.' You are so foolish. Please get him counseling asap. He won't risk telling you what's really going on inside because you are his lifeline.

The lifelong issues of stepparents, stepsiblings, etc is so onerous and the person paying the price is the kid, not the parent.

Why do you confuse me with OP? And what do step families have to do with me? I am not even dating, let alone remarrying.

Why don't you hear what I am telling you??

You may not remarry (maybe - we'll see what happens in a few years) but Daddy will, and the new stepmom will bring a host of issues to his life that he didn't want. New step-siblings - maybe one will be especially angry at her new family situation and take it out on your kid. Is it fair, no. Will he even tell you - probably not because he doesn't want to upset you, his only caretaker.

[Anonymous]

Well, you'll get every other weekend to yourself, for starters. Sounds glorious to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Why do you want a divorce, op? You say your special needs kid is a huge handful. Why not spend more time with him? I'm serious. You mention your working hours, and I'm wondering if you are using work as an escape? I'd say this if you were a man too.
Why not spend some time working on your marriage? Again, I'm being serious.
Know that if you divorce, you may not meet anybody you want to be with. You can probably find a friends with bennifits, but if you want more, it may not happen. Men don't typically care how much a woman makes. Men aren't lining up to be dads when they have no legal authority for a child that they can't legally adopt. The courts don't care about stepparents. Be aware that there are people who can be cruel to a person with a disability, no matter how mild and they can rationalize it as "tough love" "helping him grow up" "giving you a break" all types of nice sounding words. How will you evaluate the men you date to know how they will treat a child who by your own words is a "huge handful?" Conversely, how will you evaluate men who may have your kid's best interests at heart but they are telling you things you don't want to hear? My mom has a saying that "a child's greatest special need is his/her mother". The older I get, and the more moms I meet, the more I think I agree with her.

How will you have time to date if you are so busy at work and taking care of your kids? Again, I'm being serious. Don't think that you are so awesome men will just stand by waiting for you to meet for coffee or a drink when you have 20 minutes to spare. No woman is, at least not if they are interested in healthy men. Since you have children, you do need to be aware of the nasty men out there who have an unhealthy interest in children, both sexually and otherwise. They are always up for a quick drink since they aren't really interested in you as a woman or a person.
Since you want to date (and yes, I'm the poster that suggested it on another thread) try dating your husband. Do things together and really enjoy each other in every sense of the word. If you don't go to church, do that, I love sitting with my husband at church. He is appropriately affectionate and I always love that. The added bonus is that we either hear something we like, or we hear something we can make fun of. Either way, it gives us even more to talk about. That's always a good thing.

NP, can you expand on the bolded above?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Separated for 18 months. Kid is actually doing better now than he was in marriage.
I honestly don’t understand about the “damage”. Son had a few questions but they were mostly related to his his life is going to be. He was mostly upset about lack of videogames it seems (eyeroll).

The concern is - do you really know what's going on inside his head? It is not uncommon for kids to be so worried and anxious they shut down and refuse to talk about it, or to be “taking cover” when parents are angry or depressed, or to feel protective thus keep silent to shield parents from additional worry.

I'm a child of divorce and my mom had no idea what was going on inside my head. Huge anxiety, fear of abandonment, feeling like I'd done something wrong to cause daddy to go away, etc. etc.

This. Kids are prone to telling adults what the adults want to hear. And adults are prone to accepting it. Kids are just not mature enough to predict how they will feel in the future and often the kids don't know the whole story. For example, I thought my parents'divorce was the right call because they fought so much, but several years later I found out about my mother's affair and was devastated at her poor character and all the lies I realized she had been telling us. Another example, as a teenager I never thought about how my own children would have to divide up grandparent time, but as an adult I really struggle with doing the extra travel and feel sad that my kids are getting less. I'm not saying kids' opinions are worthless, but you have to look at them in context.

Dating is the least of your problems, Op. You seem in denial of that.

I am not OP, but the author of the top post in this subthread.
It’s not what my kid is saying. I never asked him if he is happy about the split. I just observe his behavior; he has become better at school, with friends, with me.
He now knows there are rules of the house; not what daddy says at the moment. At the same time, daddy is free to set the rules in his house, I don’t care.
I am not undermined, belittled, or brushed aside in my own home. This is a big deal.
Please do not tell me you know better what is best for my child and for me.

Thanks for sharing your story. It's helped me.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m divorced and I’d say I was scared of the unknown too and that’s why I waited too long to call it quits. You know what? I’m stronger then I ever thought I could be. A good therapist helps. Be neutral and don’t bash their other parent. Be the better person no matter what the other parent did to you. He/she is still their mom/dad and they most likely love them just as much as you. I’m financially better off, come into my home without any stress or heartbreak, am a better mother, and a better person now. I wish you the best. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Separated for 18 months. Kid is actually doing better now than he was in marriage.
I honestly don’t understand about the “damage”. Son had a few questions but they were mostly related to his his life is going to be. He was mostly upset about lack of videogames it seems (eyeroll).

The concern is - do you really know what's going on inside his head? It is not uncommon for kids to be so worried and anxious they shut down and refuse to talk about it, or to be “taking cover” when parents are angry or depressed, or to feel protective thus keep silent to shield parents from additional worry.

I'm a child of divorce and my mom had no idea what was going on inside my head. Huge anxiety, fear of abandonment, feeling like I'd done something wrong to cause daddy to go away, etc. etc.

This. Kids are prone to telling adults what the adults want to hear. And adults are prone to accepting it. Kids are just not mature enough to predict how they will feel in the future and often the kids don't know the whole story. For example, I thought my parents'divorce was the right call because they fought so much, but several years later I found out about my mother's affair and was devastated at her poor character and all the lies I realized she had been telling us. Another example, as a teenager I never thought about how my own children would have to divide up grandparent time, but as an adult I really struggle with doing the extra travel and feel sad that my kids are getting less. I'm not saying kids' opinions are worthless, but you have to look at them in context.

Dating is the least of your problems, Op. You seem in denial of that.

This is so true. Your kid is reeling internally at the breakup of his home and you are reading it as 'he's doing much better.' You are so foolish. Please get him counseling asap. He won't risk telling you what's really going on inside because you are his lifeline.

The lifelong issues of stepparents, stepsiblings, etc is so onerous and the person paying the price is the kid, not the parent.

Why do you confuse me with OP? And what do step families have to do with me? I am not even dating, let alone remarrying.

Why don't you hear what I am telling you??

You may not remarry (maybe - we'll see what happens in a few years) but Daddy will, and the new stepmom will bring a host of issues to his life that he didn't want. New step-siblings - maybe one will be especially angry at her new family situation and take it out on your kid. Is it fair, no. Will he even tell you - probably not because he doesn't want to upset you, his only caretaker.

Luckily his dad didn’t drink the koolaid of the blended family culture.
He will most likely come visit if he ever remarries. To not get out of a relationship that’s bringing you down, just because one of us might remarry and there will be an evil step? Hmmmm