It takes a village and I have no village

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m sorry no one even texted you to check. Maybe they didn’t want to bother you while you were recuperating? Sometimes I don’t like to message people right after a birth/surgery/etc bc I feel like I’m making one more demand on an already stressed person.

I have to say, I don’t understand why your DH went on his trip after your surgery....? It sounds like you need to go out of your way to ask for more help, in general.

It sounds like you have a lot of energy if you are working, taking care of kids, AND hosting showers, making meals and care packages, taking friends to lunch, etc. Not everyone has that energy. Some people (specifically all those other people you know with no village) just don’t have the bandwidth for anything beyond work and their own family. Maybe people assume you are really independent and capable and don’t need much help.

I also want to say - and this is more toward some other posters and not so much OP - it does bother me a little when people invoke “the village.” It always seems to be brought up by working moms who have hit a crisis and then wonder where their “village” (aka group of women who provide free childcare and household help at a moment’s notice) is.

This. From what OP described, she wanted free childcare when her husband had an illness.

I agree with this. My spouse and I both had intense jobs, once upon a time, and there was always something coming up - especially once the kids got out of the predictable daycare years. We decided that one of us would stay at home, as we had no family support and are not from this area originally. It was a really great decision for our family's quality of life, and I know many other couples like us in our close-in neighborhood. The people who whine about not having a village almost always are FT dual WOHPs making good money.

I agree with the other sentiment that people in our generation probably underestimated the importance of living near family, but there are a lot of economic factors that are different than when our parents were raising us.

Most people either have to work or prefer the two working parent dynamic. I work and have a TON of working mom friends. Get off your high horse.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you're from another culture in which people invest a lot of energy in building a social safety net of family and friends. Here in the US, the institutions are a little more functional and so people usually rely on the "system" instead of on others. It is the norm for many people in urban areas to be living away from family.

My parents immigrated from another country and so I have seen this situation up close. My mom stayed at home. However, I work and we don't have family close by. My husband is also from another country. It is tough and families like us have a smaller margin for illness and other contingencies. I think what others suggested about a nanny or someone who babysits regularly for the kids is a good idea for back up care, in case you are both sick or something happens.

As for your friendship expectations, you can't change other people. If that's not how they see friendships then you just have to decide whether you want to invest in them or find other friends.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you have a village but it's not a good village. I have no village either, no family nearby, DH travels, ILs do more harm than good.

The whole system is broken. When people lived near their family and didn't move around, they automatically had nearby extended family to help out. Blood is thicker than water. Friends may be there in theory, but not in reality, unless you specifically ask someone for help.

I've expanded my idea of what a village is. It's doctors, nurses, hospitals, pet sitters, fire fighters, taxis, Amazon, Nextdoor. Mostly I rely on myself and prepare in advance. Your kids are at the most difficult ages too. I heard about something in my county called Neighbor to Neighbor Networks. It's a system of setting up a village, but it's more geared towards older people. We really need something for people of all ages who need support. Look into what resources your county or neighborhood has.

[Anonymous]

In your case, you need to hire your village. Roster of babysitters, home health aides, teenage mother's helpers if need be etc. We have family a 4 hour drive away, but they've bailed me out so many times when our nanny or I got sick, for which I am truly grateful.

[Anonymous]

All it takes is one or two close friends. It may not be a person that you really click with, and there will be annoyances along the way, but if you muddle through them, that person will be there for you, and you'll find that it's rewarding to be there for them.

(This is from personal experience.)

However, it also helps not to expect people to reach out, because sometimes we will be disappointed.

You know, my sister still lives in our home town, she has our extended family and the in-laws relatively near, and yet she still complains about how other people's parents help them with XYZ and her parents/ILs don't. I just smile and don't remind her that we don't have anyone here in DC, just the friends network we built.

In this area, what we lack in "the village" we make up for by being able to pay for help. It's not ideal, but it can get you through rough days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In your case, you need to hire your village. Roster of babysitters, home health aides, teenage mother's helpers if need be etc. We have family a 4 hour drive away, but they've bailed me out so many times when our nanny or I got sick, for which I am truly grateful.

+1 Pay the money for hired help now. You can continue to work on your social network, but when the going gets rough, most people depend on family rather than friends.

[Anonymous]

Wow this whole thread seems pretty sad. OP remember this is an anonymous often harsh board and doesn’t necessarily represent this area! There are lots of people here that enjoy and work towards supportive community. I don’t think what OP is looking for is out of range at all. Of course you should have friends close enough to text and ask how you’re feeling after surgery. I don’t think she expected her friends to provide childcare all day, but I also think it would be totally normal to to ask a good friend to take the kids to the park with their kids for an hour in the afternoon that day to help. I would encourage you OP to ask directly a couple times and see what happens. Honestly sometimes people aren’t good at anticipating what others need. It’s a bummer but true. As long as you also offer when they go through something similar you can and should ask for help sometimes!. I’m really sorry your friends haven’t been thoughtful and I do think people deserve people around them.

I do wonder if you’d be open to a church, if not religious Unitarian Universalist churches can be wonderful for this. I think it’s the type of community you’re looking for. It is completely reasonable to want to feel thought of and seen by your friends. To others giving a hard time about the husband going away, I’m sure that wasn’t their ideal scenario and something they would have avoided if they could. We all have situation where we get stuck in difficult decisions around childcare and work.

I hope you find your village soon op!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand, OP, and I do have a village. My family is all on the west coast and I moved here as an adult, post-grad school, so my only close friend was DH. Although it is REALLY not in my nature, I forced myself to go to a new moms’ group when my first kid was just weeks old. I was so shy, but I ended up with great friends. Some of those people have moved away but as my kids entered elementary school and later middle school, i added to my “village” with parents from those schools. Honestly, it’s a village built on proximity and mutual dependence. We all work and so rely on each other for carpooling, homework backup, and socializing. Pretty much all my close friends are both my neighbors (in the broadest sense of within a 2-mile radius) and my kids’ friends’ parents. We do live in a neighborhood where everyone is physically quite close and no one has a big yard, which helps. My only advice is to be helpful and accept help when it’s offered.

Please explain the homework backup.

Carpooling I get but you hardly need a village to establish a carpool.

Sure--when our kids started middle school, they sometimes forgot to bring a worksheet home for homework. We would text another parent or two with kids in the same class and they would send a snapshot of the assignment.

There are lots of other ways we support each other. It's so helpful to have someone to vent to about kid problems, to drop your kid with when DH is traveling and you need to get in to work early, to pick up your kid when you're going to be late to school. These are all the things that make my life easier and my kids' lives more pleasant and fun. Why are you so resistant to the idea of a village?

[Anonymous]

Can you afford to hire help?

Hired help is part of the village.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is easier when only one parent works. We are in similar situation, but one of us does not work. When we both worked it did not seem sustainable.

Recovering from surgery while parenting is the challenge and is separate from working/not working. I think you just want to stir the pot with your comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In your case, you need to hire your village. Roster of babysitters, home health aides, teenage mother's helpers if need be etc. We have family a 4 hour drive away, but they've bailed me out so many times when our nanny or I got sick, for which I am truly grateful.

+1 Pay the money for hired help now. You can continue to work on your social network, but when the going gets rough, most people depend on family rather than friends.

+2.

Op, you were already in no village situation, but chose to have a second child. It doesn't take a village - first and foremost it takes a responsible adult to make those decisions and plan ahead. If you can't afford hiring out some of the necessary support and can't be near family who are willing to help - then don't have another child till you can. The math is very basic. You sound like you need a lot of babying yourself. Why can't you take a taxi from a hospital? It's a simple thing to do and doesn't have to be an ask to a friend. Unless you're trying to save $ on a cab ride, in which case - why don't you save on care packages and birthday lunches and just pay for your own necessities?

If a close friend asked for a ride or to babysit her children I would frankly offer to pay for it in the nicest way I can, but am very unlikely to actually do it for her. Because there is a way to get it done without making me the household labor.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry. Parenting is hard enough, and then you add the medical piece to it. I speak from experience, everyone is barely holding it together,so many can't even imagine a medical issue on top of it---and they conflate surgery recovery hardship with logistical challenges of getting Larla to soccer. Not the same thing.

Have you ever considered an au pair? Made a world of difference for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In your case, you need to hire your village. Roster of babysitters, home health aides, teenage mother's helpers if need be etc. We have family a 4 hour drive away, but they've bailed me out so many times when our nanny or I got sick, for which I am truly grateful.

+1 Pay the money for hired help now. You can continue to work on your social network, but when the going gets rough, most people depend on family rather than friends.

+2.

Op, you were already in no village situation, but chose to have a second child. It doesn't take a village - first and foremost it takes a responsible adult to make those decisions and plan ahead. If you can't afford hiring out some of the necessary support and can't be near family who are willing to help - then don't have another child till you can. The math is very basic. You sound like you need a lot of babying yourself. Why can't you take a taxi from a hospital? It's a simple thing to do and doesn't have to be an ask to a friend. Unless you're trying to save $ on a cab ride, in which case - why don't you save on care packages and birthday lunches and just pay for your own necessities?

If a close friend asked for a ride or to babysit her children I would frankly offer to pay for it in the nicest way I can, but am very unlikely to actually do it for her. Because there is a way to get it done without making me the household labor.

How is your commentary about the second child at all helpful? Is OP supposed to put the second child back in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In your case, you need to hire your village. Roster of babysitters, home health aides, teenage mother's helpers if need be etc. We have family a 4 hour drive away, but they've bailed me out so many times when our nanny or I got sick, for which I am truly grateful.

+1 Pay the money for hired help now. You can continue to work on your social network, but when the going gets rough, most people depend on family rather than friends.

+2.

Op, you were already in no village situation, but chose to have a second child. It doesn't take a village - first and foremost it takes a responsible adult to make those decisions and plan ahead. If you can't afford hiring out some of the necessary support and can't be near family who are willing to help - then don't have another child till you can. The math is very basic. You sound like you need a lot of babying yourself. Why can't you take a taxi from a hospital? It's a simple thing to do and doesn't have to be an ask to a friend. Unless you're trying to save $ on a cab ride, in which case - why don't you save on care packages and birthday lunches and just pay for your own necessities?

If a close friend asked for a ride or to babysit her children I would frankly offer to pay for it in the nicest way I can, but am very unlikely to actually do it for her. Because there is a way to get it done without making me the household labor.

Taking a cab from the hospital after being ill really sucks. I take it you haven't experienced it? I don't think it's the $$ that OP is worried about here. It would be nice to feel like you are supported. I don't blame OP for feeling the way she does. I also understand that people are busy, etc. People are also very self-absorbed and just don't know how to reach out to someone anymore unless it's liking thier post

[Anonymous]

You need to attack this problem in three ways:

1. spend more time and energy developing friendships with people who have kids the same ages as your kids and preferably who live nearby

2. Flexible hours at work or manage work load from home if needed

3. Create a portfolio of sitters. Throw money at it.

You will need all three to manage life with two working parents. We don't have any family nearby either, but with a lot of investment, we have a great network of people we can rely on - both friends and sitters.