Drowning as a working mom--help!

[Anonymous]

How far is work? I'd sleep til 6:30 am. Takes me 20 minutes to get ready even with a shower.

[Anonymous]

OP, you NEED aftercare.

You are wrapped up in this idea of being the perfect mom and not sticking your kids in aftercare, but instead you are sticking them in front of screens for 1.5 hours while mom works.

Your kids are 2nd and 5th grades. Assuming they're pretty well adjusted overall, they'll have a better experience at aftercare with their peers and they'll get more exercise and possibly homework help, and then they'll come home to a more relaxed, engaged mom rather than one who is overwhelmed and is on the phone while they are in front of the tv.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find a college kid to walk your kids home and watch them a few times a week.
Order premade food delivery for a few nights - I like territory.

I think it's nearly impossible to find a college kid that is reliable and wants to do this kind of job a few times a week around here. That seems to be the consensus from all the people looking for part time afterschool help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Indian woman here: Sounds like you married an Indian male! Many were spoiled by mothers who did everything for them. This is too bad, but not too early to prevent in your children. My DH is not indian, but a complete equal partner. I have been the breadwinner for many years. He makes lunches, does drop off, etc. I do cleaning but he is very neat and doesdishes and laundry.

Since you’re a doctor, you can definitely justify more housekeeping and outsourcing expenses. As the kids get older you may need sitter to take them to activities, something we are considering too.

So according to your backwards mentality, working mothers who do not have careers at the same caliber as a physician can not justify housekeeping and outsourcing expenses?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Indian woman here: Sounds like you married an Indian male! Many were spoiled by mothers who did everything for them. This is too bad, but not too early to prevent in your children. My DH is not indian, but a complete equal partner. I have been the breadwinner for many years. He makes lunches, does drop off, etc. I do cleaning but he is very neat and doesdishes and laundry.

Since you’re a doctor, you can definitely justify more housekeeping and outsourcing expenses. As the kids get older you may need sitter to take them to activities, something we are considering too.

So according to your backwards mentality, working mothers who do not have careers at the same caliber as a physician can not justify housekeeping and outsourcing expenses?

I don't think the poster is backwards. Maybe "justify" was a bad choice of words, but the point is simply that a physician makes more money and more likely to be able to afford things like housekeeping, gardeners, etc.

[Anonymous]

My DH does all the pick-up the house, dishes, laundry in the evenings. We do FastLane for groceries and I haven’t been inside a store in months. I use Fresh20 for meal planning. I bring school forms and stuff like that to work and I fill them out or call and make appointments in the 5-10 minutes when someone is running late to a meeting. I buy birthday presents in bulk on Black Friday and Amazon Prime Day and make my kids “Shop” from the box in the basement for friends’ parties and Toys for Tots type activities. We have our cleaners come every 2 weeks.

But the biggest things are -
1. I hired a professional organizer to help me re-do my kitchen and closets. I am no longer drowning in clutter because things have a place to go.
2. I have my parents pick up the kids and stay for dinner one night a week. It’s usually a night one kid has an activity. So I take the kid to the activity and they stay with the other one. While I’m out, they put dinner in the oven or sign for delivery. That’s my husband’s night to work late or go to happy hour because I have help.

[Anonymous]

It strikes me that you work A LOT. I say this as a litigator and working mom myself. By your account, you work in the office from 7:30-3:30 and then at home from 4:00-5:30 and then some after the kids go to bed. Do that 5 days a week, and you are booking something like 55 hours a week at your job. Do you really want to spend that much time working? Are you paid well enough to make up for all that time?

I work a similar number of hours, but I am very well compensated, my husband works part-time, I have bi-weekly cleaners, and my kids are both in aftercare. If your husband will not do more and does not want to outsource more, then I think you need to consider cutting back on work, even if it means taking a paycut or finding a different job. If your husband complains about the hit to your finances, then use that to leverage outsourcing more.

What you are describing would not work for me at all. No wonder you are overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

Really 55 hours per week is working a lot? In the DMV? I don't think so. Did you imagine this is France?
OP, I don't know how you can make it better, it is hard.

[Anonymous]

Agree you need aftercare. Why are you rushing to get the kids from school just to put them in front of screens? Aftercare will be healthier for them and you, and it isn’t very expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really 55 hours per week is working a lot? In the DMV? I don't think so. Did you imagine this is France?
OP, I don't know how you can make it better, it is hard.

Yes, it's a lot. Plenty of 40 hr/week jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really 55 hours per week is working a lot? In the DMV? I don't think so. Did you imagine this is France?
OP, I don't know how you can make it better, it is hard.

Yes, it's a lot. Plenty of 40 hr/week jobs.

Yes, all the doctors just work no more than 40 hours per week. And earn ton of money to throw money at the problem. You sound like a lazy person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
2. I agree that 1.5 hours on screens is too long...it's admittedly a bad habit but a big chunk of my 4-5:30pm time is trying to make phone calls to patients/other healthcare providers before COB and I've found that trying to do this from the park, and/or while kids are supposedly entertaining themselves, just makes it more stressful.

If you are making work related calls from 4-5:30 PM, of course it would be hard to also supervise your kids (or even be around them) at that time! It makes perfect sense that you would want them to be occupied with something -- those are the "witching hours".

You might want to look into hiring a neighborhood teen as a mother's helper for some of those days to take the kids to the park or play with them -- even just one of them.

+1 You need child care coverage for this time. Effectively, what's happening now is that you're using the iPad as a sitter, which you don't like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really 55 hours per week is working a lot? In the DMV? I don't think so. Did you imagine this is France?
OP, I don't know how you can make it better, it is hard.

Yes, it's a lot. Plenty of 40 hr/week jobs.

Yes, all the doctors just work no more than 40 hours per week. And earn ton of money to throw money at the problem. You sound like a lazy person.

Well my internist only works 3 days a week; she is great and an attending at her hospital.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really 55 hours per week is working a lot? In the DMV? I don't think so. Did you imagine this is France?
OP, I don't know how you can make it better, it is hard.

Yes, it's a lot. Plenty of 40 hr/week jobs.

Yes, all the doctors just work no more than 40 hours per week. And earn ton of money to throw money at the problem. You sound like a lazy person.

Well my internist only works 3 days a week; she is great and an attending at her hospital.

And her salary is huge, over 500K per year, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
2. I agree that 1.5 hours on screens is too long...it's admittedly a bad habit but a big chunk of my 4-5:30pm time is trying to make phone calls to patients/other healthcare providers before COB and I've found that trying to do this from the park, and/or while kids are supposedly entertaining themselves, just makes it more stressful.

If you are making work related calls from 4-5:30 PM, of course it would be hard to also supervise your kids (or even be around them) at that time! It makes perfect sense that you would want them to be occupied with something -- those are the "witching hours".

You might want to look into hiring a neighborhood teen as a mother's helper for some of those days to take the kids to the park or play with them -- even just one of them.

+1 You need child care coverage for this time. Effectively, what's happening now is that you're using the iPad as a sitter, which you don't like.

Aftercare is a better option for OP than a mother's helper or teen, since those will inevitably get sick or back out or quit or whatever, and OP needs a reliable option, which aftercare is.