i want to become a SAHM, but we can't afford it

[Anonymous]

It can be done, but you have to think out of the box. I stayed home ,it was tough financially, but I would not have traded that time for anything. We have a 50 year old home, took vacations every 3 years, shopped thrift shops or clearances, etc.

The children are grown. The time went in a blink of an eye...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It can be done, but you have to think out of the box. I stayed home ,it was tough financially, but I would not have traded that time for anything. We have a 50 year old home, took vacations every 3 years, shopped thrift shops or clearances, etc.

The children are grown. The time went in a blink of an eye...

Did your husband have a chronic, potentially progressive disease that requires expensive medication?

It's pretty clear that OP has to keep working as a fed.

OP, I don't have much advice but just wanted sympathize with you. It's so hard to be away from your baby. Is there any way your husband could get a job in NOVA that would allow you to move closer to work? Or a closer daycare to work?

[Anonymous]

I don't understand this post. Your husband's salary is enough to SAHM. It does not have to be forever. I say this as someone who is 40 and worked full time until last year when my kids were 2 and 5. I now freelance part time to pay for personal things (my haircuts, my Starbucks, my clothes, etc). My husband makes the same as yours. I will go back in a few years or ramp up my freelance work and never go back again. I had enough money in my own retirement to step back. I have not noticed any financial difference in our quality of life. I am much happier. I have to say the elementary grades are harder schedule wise than younger kids. When my kids were younger and I was working, they stayed up til 9 pm, so I had time with them in the evening. I had a full time nanny so they could sleep til 8 am.

I would move or get a new job. Your commute is long. Or really re-evaluate. I think you have enough income to SAH,

[Anonymous]

you don't want to sahm - you say repeatedly that you want to keep your current job because you are unfirable and your husband needs your health insurance.

fine.

to improve your situation you need to have a better commute. since you will be keeping your job your husband needs to change jobs and once he finds a new job (in northern VA) you two need to move there.

[Anonymous]

OP how much do you make?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sucks OP. I agree with others, drop to part time and make an aggressive budget.
Look for jobs in the Columbia/Laurel/Ft. Meade area... tons that require clearances, and the traffic in that direction is nothing compared to commitimg to NoVa. Good luck!

This is a really good point -- OP, have you checked out jobs in this area? Seems like there should be many that fit your skill sets, and then you could move closer to your job and still be closer to your husband's job.

Agree that your husband should be job searching in tandem.

More generally, you need a "can do" attitude here. You do have a lot of constraints but starting with "I know there are no solutions" is patently ridiculous. People would accept your vent a lot more if you didn't have such a learned helplessness about you. Please use this thread as a reflection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this is really just a vent because i know there are no solutions. i used to love my job, but a combination of asinine office politics and doing the same damn thing for 10 years with no end in sight means i just am so unmotivated. i turned a project into my supervisor today, knew it wasn't great, was told to fix it (in a nice way -- my supervisor is a nice guy), and didn't even care. i'll fix it, but i didn't care about getting mediocre feedback on it. a year ago, i would've been pretty upset. i just don't care anymore.

i live for the moment when i pick up my 1 year old from daycare. i hate that i can only spend 2 hours with her in the evening (less if, like today, she didn't nap well at daycare and so is taking a late nap). i hate that i'm tired from a 60 min commute each way through beltway traffic.

i wish i could become a SAHM, but we just can't afford it. i also don't want to put that much pressure on my husband, who has a chronic illness that is exacerbated from stress. his illness also means we can't afford to not have guaranteed insurance (i work for the feds in a job i essentially can't be fired from, while he's in the private sector).

anyway, i just wanted to vent a little.

thank feminism for your future.

Yes. She'll thank feminism for the ability to provide for her family and child, especially health insurance her husband could definitely require. Most women want the same thing men want - financial security, a way to provide for their family and a path to retirement. Feminism allows for that. Being a SAHM does not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you stay at home on $160K? You live in a condo so your mortgage can't be that expensive.

We need guaranteed insurance because my husband has MS and his medication is very expensive. Maintaining my job with the feds (and particularly my job in the intel community, with its essentially guaranteed job security, rather than a job at another federal agency) is therefore critical. I know people have said I'm making excuses, but that's why I can't go part-time or work from home. My job doesn't allow a work from home option and it is intensely frowned upon to go part-time.

Go part time. Let them frown. You are already mommy-tracking, and guess what? It's because you are a mom. We should really reclaim that term. They are your coworkers, not your family. Your heart is with your kiddo. Your insurance will get more expensive, though (subsidy is prorated for hours worked) but you should absolutely be making that work with your dh's salary (we are doing it on much less.) Sell the condo and rent in a closer location to work. Life is short, don't regret this priceless time with your kid. I did (went part time) it and it's one of the best decisions I've made. the rat race is more of a choice than you think.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't know your budget, but 160K should be enough to SAhM even if for few years.

yeah
don't get this

I stayed home on $105K a year in a SF home in a nice area. two kids - one in a local co-op nursery school

It gets more expensive as they age - with new clothes, activities, braces, you name it.

[Anonymous]

I don't get how her husband has a job that pays 160k but doesn't offer health insurance? That seems really strange.

I also don't understand why OP can't go part time. Okay, sure there's a stigma, but you essentially can't be fired and you're working for the stability so why do you care? If I was in your shoes I wouldn't think twice about the stigma and just go part time already!

[Anonymous]

Is your husband able to take care of your daughter for a few evenings a week? (Or can you get part-time help for a few evenings?)

Can you switch your schedule so that you get a few good mornings a week in with your daughter before leaving for work? Evenings are tough anyways with babies....

This as a short-term fix until you or your husband find jobs in the same area and cut down your commute?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't know your budget, but 160K should be enough to SAhM even if for few years.

yeah
don't get this

I stayed home on $105K a year in a SF home in a nice area. two kids - one in a local co-op nursery school

It gets more expensive as they age - with new clothes, activities, braces, you name it.

Her DH MS means she needs good insurance. And eventually he will be unable to work so she needs to maintain career

[Anonymous]

Aaaaand this is why women can't progress in the workplace. All these women that really just dream of playing house and playing with their baby all day so they don't give a crap about their work. Don't have this issue with men and that's a fact.

[Anonymous]

2 hours a day with your one year old seems fine. My one year old doesn't nap well. I pick her up from daycare at 5 and she is in bed for the night by 6. DH does drop off, so I see her maybe an hour a day. It gets easier as they get older. My 3 year old is up til 730 or 8, so I get 2.5 to three hours a day with him. I'd rather my baby be well rested, so I don't mind not seeing her a ton.

[Anonymous]

So my husband's job does have health insurance. The issue is that we need health insurance to be as much of a guarantee as possible, given his MS.

His job doesn't exist on a part-time basis. He is a VP at a large company and supervises a large marketing org. He can't do his job part-time.

For those asking -- I make $90k. I care about having a career; I'm not just working for the stability. I get that I'm probably just trying to have it all, which is impossible.