Together for the kids

[Anonymous]

My parents did not exactly model a healthy relationship either. I suppose they tolerated each other when we kids were little. Fast forward to now they are both in their 80s, do everything together and are very much a strong couple. So, who know what the right answer is. Or what the future holds. And, how many people are truly happy anyway? I am not sure I know that many people who are modeling loving relationships for their kids, rather than just getting through some tough years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Kids can tell if you two aren't happy. Just end it now and move on.

Nope. Not if you're not openly fighting. Kids are too self-centered to notice "quiet indifference".

I agree with this. Even had a discussion about it with my young teenager. He was saying that he thinks DH and I get along better now and are happier because we don't fight like we did a few years ago. Truth is, we don't care anymore. But, in the kid's view, everything is fine.

You all are teaching your kids what a "happy" marriage looks like - and modeling "we don't care anymore" behavior. That can't be healthy for a kid's understanding of a "happy" marriage.

It is healthy for them to understand that adult romantic relationships are not the most important thing in the world. And that wr don't just give up on our marriage and vows when the going gets tough. We are happy enough and we made our decision considering all the tradeoffs as a whole. I know enough miserable divorced people that I can't buy into that line of thinking.

So what would you tell, say, your daughter if she was in this scenario and woefully unhappy? "Honey, I know your life blows, but you really need to suck it up and pretend to be happy for the next 10 years. You chose to give up your life when you had kids. You don't matter anymore."? Really?

[Anonymous]

Going back to the OP original question: has anybody divorced but continued living together for the sake of the kids?
If you were a kid in a situation like that, how was it? Was it very confusing? My brother and SIL are doing this, because my nephew is very young and they both travel a lot for work, but I don't know for how long they plan on keeping this scenario. I think it is great, but my parents are appalled and think the kid will be confused for the rest of his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Feels like an albatross. There is no happy solution. I cannot believe that I have to swallow 10 more years.

Just a vent and a depressing reality check.

If you are not married, DON'T DO IT if you have any reservations at all

I'm in the same boat. Also looking at 10 more years. I don't think I'll be able to stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Going back to the OP original question: has anybody divorced but continued living together for the sake of the kids?
If you were a kid in a situation like that, how was it? Was it very confusing? My brother and SIL are doing this, because my nephew is very young and they both travel a lot for work, but I don't know for how long they plan on keeping this scenario. I think it is great, but my parents are appalled and think the kid will be confused for the rest of his life.

Are they actually divorced? Or just living in the same house in a dead relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids can tell if you two aren't happy. Just end it now and move on.

Nope. Not if you're not openly fighting. Kids are too self-centered to notice "quiet indifference".

I agree with this. Even had a discussion about it with my young teenager. He was saying that he thinks DH and I get along better now and are happier because we don't fight like we did a few years ago. Truth is, we don't care anymore. But, in the kid's view, everything is fine.

You all are teaching your kids what a "happy" marriage looks like - and modeling "we don't care anymore" behavior. That can't be healthy for a kid's understanding of a "happy" marriage.

It is healthy for them to understand that adult romantic relationships are not the most important thing in the world. And that wr don't just give up on our marriage and vows when the going gets tough. We are happy enough and we made our decision considering all the tradeoffs as a whole. I know enough miserable divorced people that I can't buy into that line of thinking.

So what would you tell, say, your daughter if she was in this scenario and woefully unhappy? "Honey, I know your life blows, but you really need to suck it up and pretend to be happy for the next 10 years. You chose to give up your life when you had kids. You don't matter anymore."? Really?

You are putting words in my mouth that i would never say. I would tell her to take a very hard look at her finances and get a realistic picture of what joint custody and dealing with a stepmom will actually be like. Nobody is saying she gave up her life or that she doesn't matter. But divorce is trading one set of problems for another and there is no guarantee of being happier. I would tell her to get a therapist, take care of herself, and pursue her own happiness within the marriage as best she can, and only dovorce after she has truly tried her best to avoid it. Nobody is asking her to pretend to be happy, just don't expose the kids to conflict and stop chasing the fiction that a new man will fix her unhappiness. Romantic relationships are not everything in life and we can all find happiness whether married, dating, or single, because there are so many other parts of life to sustain us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids can tell if you two aren't happy. Just end it now and move on.

Nope. Not if you're not openly fighting. Kids are too self-centered to notice "quiet indifference".

I agree with this. Even had a discussion about it with my young teenager. He was saying that he thinks DH and I get along better now and are happier because we don't fight like we did a few years ago. Truth is, we don't care anymore. But, in the kid's view, everything is fine.

You all are teaching your kids what a "happy" marriage looks like - and modeling "we don't care anymore" behavior. That can't be healthy for a kid's understanding of a "happy" marriage.

It is healthy for them to understand that adult romantic relationships are not the most important thing in the world. And that wr don't just give up on our marriage and vows when the going gets tough. We are happy enough and we made our decision considering all the tradeoffs as a whole. I know enough miserable divorced people that I can't buy into that line of thinking.

So what would you tell, say, your daughter if she was in this scenario and woefully unhappy? "Honey, I know your life blows, but you really need to suck it up and pretend to be happy for the next 10 years. You chose to give up your life when you had kids. You don't matter anymore."? Really?

You are putting words in my mouth that i would never say. I would tell her to take a very hard look at her finances and get a realistic picture of what joint custody and dealing with a stepmom will actually be like. Nobody is saying she gave up her life or that she doesn't matter. But divorce is trading one set of problems for another and there is no guarantee of being happier. I would tell her to get a therapist, take care of herself, and pursue her own happiness within the marriage as best she can, and only dovorce after she has truly tried her best to avoid it. Nobody is asking her to pretend to be happy, just don't expose the kids to conflict and stop chasing the fiction that a new man will fix her unhappiness. Romantic relationships are not everything in life and we can all find happiness whether married, dating, or single, because there are so many other parts of life to sustain us.

Of course there is no guarantee of being happier if you leave. But there is a guarantee of being miserable if you stay. And no one is saying romantic relationships are the apex of life. I'm divorced myself. No kids. I found complete happiness being single. I'm mature enough to know I don't need, and shouldn't depend on another person to make me feel happy and complete. But I'll be damned if I'm going to let another person PREVENT me from being happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids can tell if you two aren't happy. Just end it now and move on.

Nope. Not if you're not openly fighting. Kids are too self-centered to notice "quiet indifference".

I agree with this. Even had a discussion about it with my young teenager. He was saying that he thinks DH and I get along better now and are happier because we don't fight like we did a few years ago. Truth is, we don't care anymore. But, in the kid's view, everything is fine.

You all are teaching your kids what a "happy" marriage looks like - and modeling "we don't care anymore" behavior. That can't be healthy for a kid's understanding of a "happy" marriage.

It is healthy for them to understand that adult romantic relationships are not the most important thing in the world. And that wr don't just give up on our marriage and vows when the going gets tough. We are happy enough and we made our decision considering all the tradeoffs as a whole. I know enough miserable divorced people that I can't buy into that line of thinking.

So what would you tell, say, your daughter if she was in this scenario and woefully unhappy? "Honey, I know your life blows, but you really need to suck it up and pretend to be happy for the next 10 years. You chose to give up your life when you had kids. You don't matter anymore."? Really?

You are putting words in my mouth that i would never say. I would tell her to take a very hard look at her finances and get a realistic picture of what joint custody and dealing with a stepmom will actually be like. Nobody is saying she gave up her life or that she doesn't matter. But divorce is trading one set of problems for another and there is no guarantee of being happier. I would tell her to get a therapist, take care of herself, and pursue her own happiness within the marriage as best she can, and only dovorce after she has truly tried her best to avoid it. Nobody is asking her to pretend to be happy, just don't expose the kids to conflict and stop chasing the fiction that a new man will fix her unhappiness. Romantic relationships are not everything in life and we can all find happiness whether married, dating, or single, because there are so many other parts of life to sustain us.

Of course there is no guarantee of being happier if you leave. But there is a guarantee of being miserable if you stay. And no one is saying romantic relationships are the apex of life. I'm divorced myself. No kids. I found complete happiness being single. I'm mature enough to know I don't need, and shouldn't depend on another person to make me feel happy and complete. But I'll be damned if I'm going to let another person PREVENT me from being happy.

No, it isn't a guarantee of being miserable if you stay. Marriages can improve if people are willing to try, even if they are in a very bad place. But it is a guarantee of financial damage and losing time with kids and grandkids. Maybe it's just tough shit for the kids, if you really think your ex had the power to prevent your happiness. But I think the least we can do for our children is to be real about the impact of divorce on parents, children, and grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids can tell if you two aren't happy. Just end it now and move on.

Nope. Not if you're not openly fighting. Kids are too self-centered to notice "quiet indifference".

exactly. My parents got divorced when i was 20. Hit me like a ton of bricks. I thought they were the model of a happy marriage. Their divorce was even civil. Everything right down the middle. Both had careers.

I did not see it coming, they never fought and were playful with each other. I suppose they were just friends. No passion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids can tell if you two aren't happy. Just end it now and move on.

Nope. Not if you're not openly fighting. Kids are too self-centered to notice "quiet indifference".

Not all children. One of my children, yes, doesn't notice. The other, however notices the quiet indifference and tensions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids can tell if you two aren't happy. Just end it now and move on.

Nope. Not if you're not openly fighting. Kids are too self-centered to notice "quiet indifference".

exactly. My parents got divorced when i was 20. Hit me like a ton of bricks. I thought they were the model of a happy marriage. Their divorce was even civil. Everything right down the middle. Both had careers.

I did not see it coming, they never fought and were playful with each other. I suppose they were just friends. No passion.

And so afterwards were you happy that they stayed together throughout your childhood?

[Anonymous]

Not PP, but my parents stayed togethet so that my sister and I could finish at our high school, and I am grateful to them for it. Yes it was sad and awkward at times, but isn't that also true of divorce? We had financial troubles and staying together was a way to keep the house for a while and make the best overall outcome until my mom could get a better job. I appreciated not having to deal with separate homes. I would have understood if they had gotten divorced earlier, but I do not think there was anything wrong or false about sticking it out either. You don't just blow things up and abandon each other when the going gets tough. Their divorce was careful and deliberative, with responsibility and our best interests at heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids can tell if you two aren't happy. Just end it now and move on.

Nope. Not if you're not openly fighting. Kids are too self-centered to notice "quiet indifference".

Not all children. One of my children, yes, doesn't notice. The other, however notices the quiet indifference and tensions.

But they would not notice if you got divorced?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids can tell if you two aren't happy. Just end it now and move on.

Nope. Not if you're not openly fighting. Kids are too self-centered to notice "quiet indifference".

Not all children. One of my children, yes, doesn't notice. The other, however notices the quiet indifference and tensions.

But they would not notice if you got divorced?

They would notice, but they wouldn't internalize the message that in marriage "quiet indifference and tensions" are normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Thanks! Yes, I hope so. We both have very good careers so money won't be an issue. I feel like once the kids are bigger I can just go if I want. But, for right now, I like the idea of being with them everyday and giving them a solid homelife, even if it is not optimal for me personally (in the romance dep't anyway).

Except that money may actually be an issue. If you wait until you are 50 to get divorced, you have less time to rebuild your finances, and you will like need more than 1/2 of the family pot.

Your partner will also be 50 and will also have "less time to rebuild their finances" and will also need more than 1/2 of the family pot.

You can't both have more than half.

This line of argument makes no sense. Whatever wealth you have now, you split it 50/50.
After the split, will YOU accumulate (individual) wealth FASTER than if you'd stayed together?
Not likely: your expenses will be higher living independently versus with your ex spouse.
Furthermore, how is YOUR income compared to his? If you make LESS than he does, there
would be smarter to stay married longer, accumulate more wealth, THEN split the larger pie 50/50.