Feel Betrayed by Sister
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Anonymous
| I think you could benefit from some personal counseling. If you're still attending school, they should have a counseling office there. Do yourself a favor and go make an appointment. |
Anonymous
I think it's hard for people to understand who don't come from families like she does, where every interaction is layered with obligation, duty, and love, where each generation defers satisfaction for the next and you feel guilty for any thought that doesn't convey these same ideas of duty and obligation and familial growth. I don't mean for it to sound as antiquated as I know it does. But she's reaction to the trees and not seeing the forest, she's so caught up in all the small little issues that are probably being raised by her family members that she's lost sight of the big picture regarding why any of this is happening in the first place. I know what it's like, OP. And I doubt you even know who you are or what you want, your sense of right and wrong and good and bad and likes and dislikes are so tied up in what you are supposed to think. You don't realize it, but you will. I hope it doesn't become a crisis for you as it did for me. I hope you are able to stop being a people pleaser and to realize that your parents will come to appreciate your strength and experience when you are able to stand up to them and articulate your own sense of right/wrong, good/bad, etc. Best wishes. |
Anonymous
| Your sister smartened up and realized it's ridiculous to waste your life on someone else's dreams. If you want to continue on the path your parents set for you, go ahead, but I think what your sister did/is doing was awesome. |
Anonymous
And by the way OP: you say your sister starting off saying "I want to have a big family house! I want mommy to live with me some day!" These are the words of someone who has never formed their own identity, instead following the path set out by their parents. Your sister has finally undergone the process of determining her OWN values, hopes, and dreams. You should do the same. Maybe your identity will still be congruent with what your parents want, but you shouldn't deny yourself the chance to be your own person. |
Anonymous
A lot of this sounds like millennial mumbo jumbo to me. |
Anonymous
I agree the sister sounds like she's embodying a lot of the stereotypes of millennials. But I think op is probably one too. They're reacting to things differently because they are different people. |
Anonymous
Actually to me it sounds like the sister has latched on to a man. She is not following her own values, hopes and dreams. She fell in love with a sugar daddy. Now, the older sister should let her find her way and stumble and learn in the process, but to say that finding a man is realizing who she is sounds trite. The younger sister has probably never been on her own and the only way she can separate herself from her family and their obligations is to follow a man. Neither sister sounds particularly self-aware. |
Anonymous
| They both sound young and sheltered reacting in the two most common ways. |
Anonymous
| If honoring the family plan meant putting off marriage and a family of her own until she had built enough wealth to carry her siblings and parents - then that was never a fair deal to begin with. It could have taken you a decade or two oo achieve your goals with your sister. |
Anonymous
| Don't you worry OP, you will have your moment if schandelfreude(??sp) when she has a bunch of kids with this guy but no real job and will run to you and your mommy to be taken care of when things don't work out for the two of them... |
Anonymous
| Am I the only one bothered with this attitude that you can come to America and just set up shop and count on bringing all your family here? Something is seriously wrong with our immigration laws that people have this attitude that that they can bring whomever they want here. Your sister is allowed to have her own life and pursue what's she's interested in. |
Anonymous
Many people who are productive members of society still want to be around their close family members and also feel a sense of duty to care for parents. |
Anonymous
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It sounds like you want us to tell you that his new man in your sister's life is the cause of all her sudden change. However, it is obvious that this is not the case, betrayed as you may feel, she is no longer that young child your parents made that unwritten deal with to begin the raising of your family together with you. Times change and people definitely change. Especially if you are a young woman growing up in a different world than in which you were born without your parents supporting and encouraging you to develop the skills and goals you want AS YOU GROW and not GROW INTO that which they have already laid out. Your sister sure wanted those things "A big house", "Mom to live with me", and she still wants those things, she is just going to achieve them(or trying to) in a different route than you all had in mind. She probably feels like she is no longer cut out for the long haul and has chosen to enjoy the present or she just wants to live her life for once. When you have such long term goals like you describe not everyone can handle that kind of pressure and day in and day out of working for that which you cant see anymore.
I'm sorry you feel lonely and just cant handle this on your own. I hope you find someone to talk to and can get some help in feeling less betrayed. Now, your choices are clear, you will do your best for yourself and help your family within the means that you can. You cannot sacrifice your life for the well being of other completely. Hope you too find love and companionship. Most people need that kind of support and I hope your family is understanding to both your choices and your sister's. Finding what you truly want isnt such a bad thing. If things turn bad for your sister, she has to face her own consequences and hopefully she has learned a thing or two about making choices. |
Anonymous
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It's likely that your sister found the coursework more and more challenging as she went along and maybe she was really struggling with it. It's not that she didn't work hard enough, she probably doesn't have the aptitude for it. Not everyone is good in math. It's one thing to dream and say you'll do something, it's quite another to do it. It's natural to be put off by things we struggle with and turn to those things we find more agreeable with our nature. That's okay. We're not all cut out to be the same thing, not even siblings. That's a good thing for the world.
I also think your sister felt lonely, too. I think she could use someone who offers her a compassion ear and listens to her talk about her struggles without judging her negatively. She's not a child anymore and doesn't need a taskmaster at this point in her life. If she could've easily met the challenges, she likely would have. Who is to say that she won't be a success though? If she loves pets and children, she can start up a service business of her own one day that may become enormously successful. |
Anonymous
| ^^compassionate |