Cousins and drugs

[Anonymous]

I just had a conversation with DD about an upcoming beach trip with cousins who drink and I know spoke pot, and aunts who will think they're cool and say things like: "come sit next to me and just take sips, it will be ok." I really didn't want to go there but I know it's what will happen as I've seen them do it before. DD slammed me with "I don't want to hear you badmouthing my aunts!" Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am PP, forgot to add that I would never- ever take my kids to the place where I know in advanced drugs will be used.

Plus one
What do you expect your kids to do OP? They will be around this every night and they have to keep declining and watch it happen? For two weeks? I wouldn't put my kids in the way of that temptation and peer pressure. Sorry, I think you're naive to think your kids won't partake after seeing this night after night. I'd keep them home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I would make different vacation plans the next few years. I have seen how these situations play out with extended family and it is not a situation I would want my own kids to be in.

Seeing cousins engaging in these sort of activities can make certain boundaries fuzzy and can be confusing for young teens, especially if they have looked up to these cousins in the past. I'd stay away from staying in the same house with them for a while so as to give them all time to get older and more mature.

Parent of a 17 yo dealing with the aftermath of our own failed summer issues. Yes. Skip the trip. Only way to win this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: "I don't want to hear you badmouthing my aunts!"

I love your aunts but don't like some of the choices they make.

[Anonymous]

Skip the trip. Not worth it.

Or go for three days and stay in a hotel, keeping the kids with you at all times.

[Anonymous]

Been thru this in my family, your daughter will probably not want to hang out with them and will probably hang with the younger kids or the adults.

[Anonymous]

Is your last name Kennedy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks 9:11. This is what I am leaning toward, along with separate conversations with my own kids and more attentive supervision than we have had to do in the past. These relationships are important, and I don't want to turn my back. But it is a tough decision.

OP, are these relationships, right now, more important than your own kids' well-being? Please reconsider going. Do you truly feel your SIL is going to participate alongside you in policing this to the point she will discipline her own kids if they engage in the behavior? I don't know that I would trust her on that, since her younger kids are now going down the same road as her oldest one. If she can't get a grip on this at home, she surely can't keep a lid on it while at a beach house where the kids are going to be easily able to slip out and do what they like.

Maybe you feel in all kindness that you "don't want to turn your back" on SIL and her kids right now and want to help them. You're coming from a place of kindness toward them. But to be frank, that's not putting your own kids first. Bow out of the trip now, and don't put it off. If you have to be up front with SIL that her kids' known drug use is the reason why you're saying no, then do so. If she gets angry with you or says she will cut you out of her and their lives -- just stay calm, tell her you understand why she's upset with you but you have to do what is best for your kids THIS summer and you will not cut HER out. Then let her cool off and contact her in the fall.

I'd stay in touch with SIL adult to adult but not let my kids hang with these cousins at the beach or elsewhere. No amount of "talk to the kids about it" will really penetrate her kids' behavior right now, and your own kids just dont' need to be exposed to this behavior in the name of keeping up a relationship. If the cousins get their acts together, and they very well might, you and your kids can reconnect with them later.

Tell your own kids why the trip isn't happening. Say that if you vacation with these cousins you are condoning the behavior and you can't do that or you would telegraph a terrible message to your own kids. But think ahead and be ready for your kids' response here, or you'll get blowback. Be prepared for your kids to defend their cousins or at least excuse them out of loyalty and out of wanting this trip. Your kids might say, "Oh, we won't do it with them and we'd tell you about it if we know they're doing it." Don't say yes to that. Don't put your kids in the position of policing their own cousins, or in the position of having to resist the temptation. Your kids also might be angry and feel that you are punishing THEM for their cousins' transgressions by taking away this trip, but you'll need to be ready for that and strong enough to stick to your decision. And I'd have another trip lined up for the same time. Your kids do deserve that if they are not going on the planned beach trip.