Bad marriages

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing. Marriage can be good one day and bad another day. Just like the weather can change from one day to another, the temperature and mood of a marriage can change dramatically day to day. You just don't know.

You got that right. We were happy for several years. Then I had a baby and DH checked out of our marriage and never came back. He also went from being loving and supportive to being a jerk to me pretty much all the time. His resentment and palpable animus that appeared seemingly out is nowhere when I was a brand new mom really sucked.

Depressing. From one day to the next. I did not realize it then, but my marriage was over. I struggled for many years to figure it (him) out and to fix whatever was wrong. Years of counseling, etc. But if only one of the spouses is willing to make any effort, guess what? So sad and so self-inflicted. At this point, I loathe him.

[Anonymous]

I believe this to be a very valid statement and I could not agree any more.

I personally think being single after 50+ to be a great thing because having complete autonomy in one’s own life at that stage is very desirable.

[Anonymous]

You’re messy OP
Mind your business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing. Marriage can be good one day and bad another day. Just like the weather can change from one day to another, the temperature and mood of a marriage can change dramatically day to day. You just don't know.

You got that right. We were happy for several years. Then I had a baby and DH checked out of our marriage and never came back. He also went from being loving and supportive to being a jerk to me pretty much all the time. His resentment and palpable animus that appeared seemingly out is nowhere when I was a brand new mom really sucked.

Depressing. From one day to the next. I did not realize it then, but my marriage was over. I struggled for many years to figure it (him) out and to fix whatever was wrong. Years of counseling, etc. But if only one of the spouses is willing to make any effort, guess what? So sad and so self-inflicted. At this point, I loathe him.

Children are a huge mistake and the younger generations have figured this out. Children ruin marriages and a woman’s life. Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You never know what’s truly going on in a family. When I decided to leave DH last year, all of our friends were surprised because I always “looked so happy” and they thought we are happy together.

On the other hand, people might vent to their friends making an impression of an unhappy couple but then they go home and feel quite good in general.

So you don't have any actual friends? Because I talk to mine about things we're going through. When I got divorced none of them were shocked.

I have a lot of actual friends. But what’s the point of complaining to them about a decision I made 20 years ago (to marry a man that I didn’t love)? I didn’t advertise it to the world that I didn’t love him and was unhappy because of that.

For example, he isn’t my type physically, and for more than 20 years, every time when I looked at him I thought how much I don’t like what his face looks like. It’s not something I’d share, and if your friend told you something like that, you’d think that they are insane.

This is the weirdest take on friendship I have ever heard. What's the point about talking to your friends about your life and your struggles? If you can't answer that, I truly can't help you. And you don't have very good friends or at least not deep friendships.

And if you married someone whose face you hate, I also don't know how to help you...

What’s the point of telling my friends that I don’t like DH’s face and name? They also wouldn’t know how to help me. It was my choice to marry him, and I owned it. When I became ready to pursue happiness, I made another choice by leaving him and finding a man who is my type physically, and now I can’t take my eyes and hands off him.

Look, you and your weird situation of marrying someone whose face and name you hate it isn't relevant to anyone else because no one does that. So yeah, you should keep quiet I guess. The rest of us generally marry people we don't despise, and then through the decades we have ups and downs, and we share those with our friends. Your story has literally no bearing on anyone else's because it's bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You never know what’s truly going on in a family. When I decided to leave DH last year, all of our friends were surprised because I always “looked so happy” and they thought we are happy together.

On the other hand, people might vent to their friends making an impression of an unhappy couple but then they go home and feel quite good in general.

So you don't have any actual friends? Because I talk to mine about things we're going through. When I got divorced none of them were shocked.

My best friend of decades did this to me. She gushed about her dh and pretended to be happy but then one day told me "we got divorced several months ago." Honestly it still hurts. Obviously she hadn't considered me a best friend. We talked daily too, so it wasn't like I wasn't interested or involved in her life. I'm not a judgy person either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You never know what’s truly going on in a family. When I decided to leave DH last year, all of our friends were surprised because I always “looked so happy” and they thought we are happy together.

On the other hand, people might vent to their friends making an impression of an unhappy couple but then they go home and feel quite good in general.

So you don't have any actual friends? Because I talk to mine about things we're going through. When I got divorced none of them were shocked.

I have a lot of actual friends. But what’s the point of complaining to them about a decision I made 20 years ago (to marry a man that I didn’t love)? I didn’t advertise it to the world that I didn’t love him and was unhappy because of that.

For example, he isn’t my type physically, and for more than 20 years, every time when I looked at him I thought how much I don’t like what his face looks like. It’s not something I’d share, and if your friend told you something like that, you’d think that they are insane.

So youre a liar and deceiver since obviously you must have faked loving him and being attracted to him to get him to marry you, for whatever the reasons were, which you conveniently omit. All the problems in your marriage are your own fault

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You never know what’s truly going on in a family. When I decided to leave DH last year, all of our friends were surprised because I always “looked so happy” and they thought we are happy together.

On the other hand, people might vent to their friends making an impression of an unhappy couple but then they go home and feel quite good in general.

LOL. Like you're a mind-reader and know what they're actually thinking, maybe they are fakers just like you. That would if course never occur to you would it

Firstly, that’s exactly what I said - that nobody knows what’s going on inside one’s family and head.

Secondly, I’ve never faked anything pretending that I’m happy with DH. I was happy around my friends because I love them and was truly happy to see them - which had nothing to do with my feelings for DH. It was their own interpretation that if I look happy, I must be happy with my whole life.

How do you know what they're thinking? You keep contradicting yourself about this. They don't know what you're thinking, but you think you know what they're thinking. Now contradict yourself a third time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This forum is really pathetic sometimes. "I know happy marriages".

"No you don't"
"They are lying to you"
"Your friends just don't tell you anything ".

+1

Yeah it does seem like there are people here in unhappy marriages who want it to be more the norm than it is. I know so, for sure, but I know lots of happy marriages. Polling shows most (83%) of married people who live with their partners rate their marriages at at least a 7 on a 10 point scale (https://news.gallup.com/poll/642590/married-americans-thriving-higher-rates-unmarried-adults.aspx). I think happy marriages are pretty common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have written it before on this board but I don’t consider my marriage “happy.” My husband has disappointed me many times and made me unhappy. I married young and with life experience I’ve understood that I might have had a happier marriage with someone else. But that’s life. He is always there for me now as we get older and deal with illness and loss. He is my person. Some people think we have a very happy marriage but I have never found this to be the case.

No PP, your husband doesn't have control over your inner emotional state. You do. He may have disappointed you but he couldn't possibly have made you unhappy. You did that to yourself. Then you do the whole grass is greener thing but he is your person.

That makes no sense. Then you go to complete fantasy land that maybe you could have had a better marriage with someone else, creating an impossible imaginary standard of perfection for your husband by measuring him against a non existent contingent alternate reality.

If you are unhappy, it's your fault. If your marriage is unhappy, with your mixed up attitude, it is also your fault.

Stop comparing your husband, yourself, your life, and your marriage to a.mirsge or fantasy. Invest your energy in improving yourself, and your marriage, not constantly ruminating over an imaginary alternate reality.

You probably need therapy because it sounds like you are suffering from cognitive distortions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You never know what’s truly going on in a family. When I decided to leave DH last year, all of our friends were surprised because I always “looked so happy” and they thought we are happy together.

On the other hand, people might vent to their friends making an impression of an unhappy couple but then they go home and feel quite good in general.

So you don't have any actual friends? Because I talk to mine about things we're going through. When I got divorced none of them were shocked.

Translation: I viciously gossiped about and criticized my husband to everyone in town.

What the actual F is wrong with you? Seriously. I'm talking about my FRIENDS. Sorry you don't have any.

. Yes, gossips gossip with their friends, not people they don't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have written it before on this board but I don’t consider my marriage “happy.” My husband has disappointed me many times and made me unhappy. I married young and with life experience I’ve understood that I might have had a happier marriage with someone else. But that’s life. He is always there for me now as we get older and deal with illness and loss. He is my person. Some people think we have a very happy marriage but I have never found this to be the case.

No PP, your husband doesn't have control over your inner emotional state. You do. He may have disappointed you but he couldn't possibly have made you unhappy. You did that to yourself. Then you do the whole grass is greener thing but he is your person.

That makes no sense. Then you go to complete fantasy land that maybe you could have had a better marriage with someone else, creating an impossible imaginary standard of perfection for your husband by measuring him against a non existent contingent alternate reality.

If you are unhappy, it's your fault. If your marriage is unhappy, with your mixed up attitude, it is also your fault.

Stop comparing your husband, yourself, your life, and your marriage to a.mirsge or fantasy. Invest your energy in improving yourself, and your marriage, not constantly ruminating over an imaginary alternate reality.

You probably need therapy because it sounds like you are suffering from cognitive distortions

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing. Marriage can be good one day and bad another day. Just like the weather can change from one day to another, the temperature and mood of a marriage can change dramatically day to day. You just don't know.

You got that right. We were happy for several years. Then I had a baby and DH checked out of our marriage and never came back. He also went from being loving and supportive to being a jerk to me pretty much all the time. His resentment and palpable animus that appeared seemingly out is nowhere when I was a brand new mom really sucked.

Depressing. From one day to the next. I did not realize it then, but my marriage was over. I struggled for many years to figure it (him) out and to fix whatever was wrong. Years of counseling, etc. But if only one of the spouses is willing to make any effort, guess what? So sad and so self-inflicted. At this point, I loathe him.

Was he the father? Did you stop having sex with him after the baby was born? Your story makes no sense. Do you accept zero responsibility for having a child with a man of such low character?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You never know what’s truly going on in a family. When I decided to leave DH last year, all of our friends were surprised because I always “looked so happy” and they thought we are happy together.

On the other hand, people might vent to their friends making an impression of an unhappy couple but then they go home and feel quite good in general.

So you don't have any actual friends? Because I talk to mine about things we're going through. When I got divorced none of them were shocked.

I have a lot of actual friends. But what’s the point of complaining to them about a decision I made 20 years ago (to marry a man that I didn’t love)? I didn’t advertise it to the world that I didn’t love him and was unhappy because of that.

For example, he isn’t my type physically, and for more than 20 years, every time when I looked at him I thought how much I don’t like what his face looks like. It’s not something I’d share, and if your friend told you something like that, you’d think that they are insane.

This is the weirdest take on friendship I have ever heard. What's the point about talking to your friends about your life and your struggles? If you can't answer that, I truly can't help you. And you don't have very good friends or at least not deep friendships.

And if you married someone whose face you hate, I also don't know how to help you...

What’s the point of telling my friends that I don’t like DH’s face and name? They also wouldn’t know how to help me. It was my choice to marry him, and I owned it. When I became ready to pursue happiness, I made another choice by leaving him and finding a man who is my type physically, and now I can’t take my eyes and hands off him.

Look, you and your weird situation of marrying someone whose face and name you hate it isn't relevant to anyone else because no one does that. So yeah, you should keep quiet I guess. The rest of us generally marry people we don't despise, and then through the decades we have ups and downs, and we share those with our friends. Your story has literally no bearing on anyone else's because it's bizarre.

I’ve never said that I hate anything. Don’t like and hate are quite different terms, in my view. As I said, this is not something I’ve ever shared with anyone, and I think that a lot of people have thoughts/feelings that they don’t share with anyone (in the US, maybe they share with their therapist only). Therefore you have no idea how many people could be in my situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe this to be a very valid statement and I could not agree any more.

I personally think being single after 50+ to be a great thing because having complete autonomy in one’s own life at that stage is very desirable.

Wait you weren't a autonomous sentient being with free will before the age of 50?

I took on the obligations of a spouse and children and all that entails as a completely autonomous choice of my own free will. Has it always been easy? Of course not. Having responsibilities to other people does not mean you are non-autonomous.

Perhaps you meant to say that it's nice not having responsibilities for a spouse and children any longer? Not the same thing