Feeling resentful after sacrificing for my DH’s career—how to restore balance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I have to give more info because people assume it has to do with childcare or that I’m some other poster who posted above moving. That’s not me and this has nothing to do with childcare.

So, I host a weekly event on Friday mornings from my home. It’s been ongoing most every Friday for years. Now all of a sudden my husband has a WFH option on Fridays. His workaround for me is to host Saturday, or later on Fridays, or from somewhere else, but that doesn’t work for the others, and I’m not interested in moving this to the weekend or somewhere else. He needs quiet, so my hosting is a conflict.

Someone asked what I would advise as a workaround, and that would be for HIM to WFH somewhere else on Fridays, but I can’t, because he’s the “breadwinner” and so his preference trumps mine.

But I was assured the house would be mine on Friday mornings. I was very clear in this, and he knew how important this was to me.

That’s kind of crappy of him.

[Anonymous]

What is this special condition he can't meet? Is it that for work, he cannot lift 15 pounds or sit in front of a computer for long periods of time?

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the update OP. Does his home office not have a door? Can’t he use a phone headset vs speaker phone? He could work at his work office on Fridays? He doesn’t seem very flexible.

[Anonymous]

Just keep having your event on Friday mornings, same as always. Don't even discuss with him, not anymore. He learns if it works or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the specific condition?

OP already did a whole thread on this awhile back. Maybe someone can find it. The condition was moving. She got him to agree to a move and now the move is not happening. Anyone remember?

I was just going to call this out too. What is it with so many OPs these days posting over and over and over about the same thing? It’s nuts.

[Anonymous]

Yeah your condition is reasonable, your husband is being unreasonable and inflexible (can’t he go into the office fridays or lease a coworking space or suck it up with the noise?), and your preferences matter. I would tell your husband no way. He can flexible here.

[Anonymous]

Just ignore him and keep holding your event. Yes he’s being selfish so be selfish too. Women give give give. Take what you want. Be your own advocate and fighter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the update OP. Does his home office not have a door? Can’t he use a phone headset vs speaker phone? He could work at his work office on Fridays? He doesn’t seem very flexible.

Agree. And it is something he could very easily manage. He could work remotely somewhere else while the event is going on. He could soundproof his office better so he isn't disturbed if he is there. There are a lot of options and it does seem unfair that he's going back on an agreement about something important to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just keep having your event on Friday mornings, same as always. Don't even discuss with him, not anymore. He learns if it works or not.

This. The condition was you get to host your thing, so host it. He can WFH or not. I am betting the noise is still preferable to going to the office.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I have to give more info because people assume it has to do with childcare or that I’m some other poster who posted above moving. That’s not me and this has nothing to do with childcare.

So, I host a weekly event on Friday mornings from my home. It’s been ongoing most every Friday for years. Now all of a sudden my husband has a WFH option on Fridays. His workaround for me is to host Saturday, or later on Fridays, or from somewhere else, but that doesn’t work for the others, and I’m not interested in moving this to the weekend or somewhere else. He needs quiet, so my hosting is a conflict.

Someone asked what I would advise as a workaround, and that would be for HIM to WFH somewhere else on Fridays, but I can’t, because he’s the “breadwinner” and so his preference trumps mine.

But I was assured the house would be mine on Friday mornings. I was very clear in this, and he knew how important this was to me.

I am a woman who has been either the sole or primary breadwinner for my entire marriage. On these types of questions, I usually do fall on the side of the worker who brings home more money. But this one seems clearer to me. Friday mornings in the house are yours. He'll need to work from another spot in the house, a third party location, work, or change his WFH day. There are lots of options for him to be productive that doesn't involve you cancelling your event or him working in common space.

[Anonymous]

He's a big boy. He can figure out how to get the quiet he needs or go into the office. Plenty of people do it with far fewer resources.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I have to give more info because people assume it has to do with childcare or that I’m some other poster who posted above moving. That’s not me and this has nothing to do with childcare.

So, I host a weekly event on Friday mornings from my home. It’s been ongoing most every Friday for years. Now all of a sudden my husband has a WFH option on Fridays. His workaround for me is to host Saturday, or later on Fridays, or from somewhere else, but that doesn’t work for the others, and I’m not interested in moving this to the weekend or somewhere else. He needs quiet, so my hosting is a conflict.

Someone asked what I would advise as a workaround, and that would be for HIM to WFH somewhere else on Fridays, but I can’t, because he’s the “breadwinner” and so his preference trumps mine.

But I was assured the house would be mine on Friday mornings. I was very clear in this, and he knew how important this was to me.

Tell him no. He can continue to go into office on those days or go to a coffee shop which may necessitate not being available for meetings during those coulple of hours. I’d be peeved too.

[Anonymous]

Umm, this is definitely some “suck it up buttercup” nonsense. He is being an ass. I say this as a breadwinner wife who makes 100% of our income right now.

And yes, just host your event. He doesn’t need your permission.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Umm, this is definitely some “suck it up buttercup” nonsense. He is being an ass. I say this as a breadwinner wife who makes 100% of our income right now.

And yes, just host your event. He doesn’t need your permission.

I mean you don’t need his permission. You are being far too deferential to this man.

[Anonymous]

I would take such a stand over this. I cannot even imagine doing this to my husband. I am so mad on your behalf!!!!