Can you tell if a couple has a good sex life?

[Anonymous]

Most of the couples in my orbit are in their 40s and 50s, long-married, and still in the thick of parenting. Many have tough or stressful jobs, many have dealt with layoffs or furloughs recently.

I truly do not think much about these people's sex lives and wouldn't judge them no matter what it is. If I had to guess, I would assume most people are not having a ton of sex, but I would also assume that it's just not their very top priority in life.

I view sex at this stage of life like playing a good tennis match (I love playing tennis). It can be hard sometimes to make the match happen because you need to find time you and your partner are both free, make sure there's a court available, if outdoors the weather needs to work, and no one can be sick or too tired or distracted because a full match requires some energy and attention. If it happens, great! Totally worthwhile. A lot of times it doesn't happen and that's okay too, there are other ways to get a good workout in.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, it’s too complex. Those with closer connection more likely

[Anonymous]

My husband and I may surprise. I am an elementary teacher, but sexual. He is an accountant, but curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I generally think that people who exercise a lot, particularly men, don’t have a great sex life.
If a middle-aged married man has a whole home gym set up in his garage, his marriage is basically sexless.

What. If my DH was fit, we’d definitely be doing it.

[Anonymous]

I think you can tell if a couple truly likes each other, enjoys each others company, etc by how they interact and I would say that probably correlates to a better sex life but there are so many other factors at play that I would never assume they do have a great sex life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a teacher in a wealthy DC suburb and I am in the midst of parent-teacher conferences. When both parents attend, I am often genuinely puzzled as to how these two people ended up together.
Not the answer to your question but....

I don't think you can always tell outwardly how a couple's sex life is.

Please tell us more. In what way is it puzzling? You may have a lot of insight into OP question.

I’m not the teacher poster, but a lot of married couples don’t act as if they even like each other. I imagine at a conference even if they’re being outwardly polite, you can probably see the mom sigh and take a breath when the dad says “But this is not a big deal right? Kids are just hyper at this age?” Then the looks and purposefully not touching even when they’re in very close proximity like exiting the classroom. Things like that.

[Anonymous]

I have zero idea, everyone works differently. We often have way more sex (whatever you're thinking, double it) when we are unhappy with each other and fighting more, its like a release valve disconnected from the underlying issues. When things are calm and sweet, we have much less. I prefer things to be more sedate but sex is the silver lining when struggling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a teacher in a wealthy DC suburb and I am in the midst of parent-teacher conferences. When both parents attend, I am often genuinely puzzled as to how these two people ended up together.
Not the answer to your question but....

I don't think you can always tell outwardly how a couple's sex life is.

Please tell us more. In what way is it puzzling? You may have a lot of insight into OP question.

I’m not the teacher poster, but a lot of married couples don’t act as if they even like each other. I imagine at a conference even if they’re being outwardly polite, you can probably see the mom sigh and take a breath when the dad says “But this is not a big deal right? Kids are just hyper at this age?” Then the looks and purposefully not touching even when they’re in very close proximity like exiting the classroom. Things like that.

I think the problem with this is that a PT conference is a very quick little look and you'd have no context for it. Like in the example you describe, they might be arguing over something specific to the child you are discussing, but that doesn't mean they argue about everything or don't connect in other situations. Also people have bad days and good days, and so do marriages.

My DH and I rarely touch each other in a school environment. We view it professionally and behave as we would as coworkers in an office. People have different views of what level of physical affection is appropriate in public, so we default to the most conservative version so as not to offend. It's different than we'd interact at a big party with neighbors, and that's different than we'd interact at a small dinner with just close friends.

If the teacher was reading into this that we don't like each other, have no sex life, or really anything about our marriage, I would think perhaps the teacher has too much time on her hands and needs better places to utilize her vivid imagination.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have zero idea, everyone works differently. We often have way more sex (whatever you're thinking, double it) when we are unhappy with each other and fighting more, it's like a release valve disconnected from the underlying issues. When things are calm and sweet, we have much less. I prefer things to be more sedate but sex is the silver lining when struggling.

We are not like this but I will note how much sex we are having usually has more to do with how we are each feeling individually than how we feel about each other.

If we are having a lot of sex, it's likely because we have more free time, are generally in a good mood, and are both healthy. If we are having no sex, it's likely because one of us has a medical issue or serious stressor. We have more sex in the summer. We have more sex on or right after vacation. We have more sex during holidays. We have less sex when our parents are visiting or recently visited. We have less sex when one of us is having to work extra hours or deal with a big work project. We have less sex when there is a problem with our kid.

I view sex as a recreational activity, not a barometer for the state of our marriage. Some of our very best, most committed moments as a couple come when one of us or our kid is dealing with a serious crisis, and we come together to support the family. That's also the least likely time for us to be having much, if any, sex, because neither of us uses sex to relax. We have to be relaxed to have sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My gf’s share their non-existent sex life with me. They can’t stand having sex with their husband. Everything looks good on the outside to others, but they rarely have sex with their husband. Private school families that hold up an image. They stay for the money.

+1 I keep my mouth shut because I don't wan everyone thinking I am a freak. We have an amazing sex and a pretty kinky sex life.

[Anonymous]

I mean you can always tell! There are couples who are very into each other, the way they look at each other, the energy between them etc.

You can definitely tell!

[Anonymous]

I have ideas. How do they get along. How adventurous they are?

[Anonymous]

Has anyone ever surprised you, when you learned the details

[Anonymous]

I knew a couple, friends with husband. They both appear to be anxious about germs etc. She was a little overweight.

After a few drinks, he told me about their kinks. They were made for each other

[Anonymous]

I can read people really well. I don’t usually use my superpowers to think about this aspect of their lives, but even on the rare occasions when I do, there is no way to corroborate my theories.