Is reconcilation a unicorn?

[Anonymous]

I am unsure. I think it does reveal they are fundamentally a rotten person to cheat. I don't think you can get past that.
I could never cheat on my husband. Not just because I don't want to hurt him but because I couldn't live with myself. How could I look into the eyes of my two innocent beautiful children and know I've betrayed not only their father but them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m trying to think of one man I know who cheated who only cheated once. There are none.

Just cut your losses and cut them early.

I have a friend whose husband supposedly did all the work. Supposedly they rebuilt. But she discovered he was having an emotional affair at work.

Later she found out it was also physical. And then she found out about another one.

It was very sad because their kids no longer talk to their father. They say he cheated on them, on the entire family. He took away their innocence, their childhood. He seemed like the perfect husband too.

Ehh. This.

Same with the cheating ho women I know. They have multiple affairs, one-nighters. My buddy divorced after her 3rd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's like running a marathon or getting sober . . . lots of people do it, but it's really hard and takes total commitment. You need to eat, breathe, and sleep accountability in order to do it right. And most cheaters are already lazy couch potatoes who probably aren't going to turn themselves into elite athletes.

As someone who's been there and done that and is now divorced after affair #2, I'll say . . . do NOT do any of the work for your spouse. Do not overcompensate. Do not get excited about tiny little bits of "effort." Don't give a ton of credit for "intentions" and ignore actions. Read Chump Lady. Read the book Fawning.

Honestly, this. Is it possible? yes. Is it likely? not really.

The sort of person who'd cheat in the first place has a LONG way to go if they want to be a higher-integrity human being. If they wanted that, they would've had it from the start. While some people really do just make a catastrophic mistake and then learn from it, many more people lie, manipulate, and pretend to change before reverting right back to the sort of person they were content to be all along.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them. The first time." - Maya Angelou

Somebody who was monogamous for 20 years is a lot different than somebody who always cheated. They showed they are capable of monogamy. Every situation is different. Every person is different. Your pool for dating in your 40/50/60s is going to basically be non-existent if you eliminate everyone who cheated. Sometimes what you have and built is better than the misfit toys circling the drain in the dating world.

I'm the original marathon comment and I'll just say, I guess? Mine waited 16 years to cheat the first time so brownie points for him I guess. Yes, there's a spectrum of f*cked-up-edness, and he would be ahead of the actual narcissists and psychopaths, but he is still very emotionally immature. And that was the real problem with our marriage. When we were 18 and 20, I had no way of realizing that he'd just never really grow up, and that he'd start going out four nights a week after our first baby was born and feel so, so sorry for himself if he had to constrain himself for the sake of family.

Having an affair meant that he had to reel the selfishness back and he tried, but it made him miserable. He went out probably 20 hours a week, on top of a full time job, many hobbies, and a lot of side investing he did for fun. Basically he's just insatiable. But let's throw a parade because he made time to take me out to lunch once a week.

He's also a chaos machine. I'm sure the 5 drinks he has every night and the suspected ADHD don't help with that. He bought his own house over a year ago and I just got a credit card in his name and a notice that a loan is being audited. The loan is for one of his other side businesses but it was addressed to the LLC that now only I own. If I asked him for an explanation he'd just blame the bank; how many hours of my life did I waste listening to him complain about how other people messed things up.

So I was loyal, and I was sticking it out, and he "tried," and we had fun and a good sex life (if he was ever home), but it was a raw, raw deal for me. Like honestly I cannot believe that some other woman wants him. I chuckle about it a lot. She can have fun listening to all his stories about all the mysterious bad things that just happen to him.

My point is, that sure, our marriage was fine, and sure, he wasn't as terrible as someone visiting sex workers or constantly cheating. I mean, he called me to cry and tell me how much he cares about me and thinks I'm a good mother on the day the divorce was final. And he did right by me financially. What a guy! He wasn't as terrible as some other cheaters! But he was a terrible partner, because he's self-absorbed and has absolutely zero insight into himself.

And boy did I spend so much time and energy giving him credit for really feeble attempts at adulting. Now I get to laugh as he only has the kids 43% of the time but that's so much more parenting than he's ever done.

I'm not afraid of being alone. I thought I was. But being the Queen of the Castle, as I call myself, is so much better. I have a vibrator. I have lovely friends. I have my amazing daughters. If the bar is some loser who makes time to take me to lunch once a week and scratches my itch for sex, I'm sure I can find that again if I want it. But this time it will be on my terms, with no strings attached.

Glad you found happiness on the other side, but it sounds like cheating was the LEAST of your ex husband‘s problems and faults. Man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m trying to think of one man I know who cheated who only cheated once. There are none.

Just cut your losses and cut them early.

I have a friend whose husband supposedly did all the work. Supposedly they rebuilt. But she discovered he was having an emotional affair at work.

Later she found out it was also physical. And then she found out about another one.

It was very sad because their kids no longer talk to their father. They say he cheated on them, on the entire family. He took away their innocence, their childhood. He seemed like the perfect husband too.

Ehh. This.

Same with the cheating ho women I know. They have multiple affairs, one-nighters. My buddy divorced after her 3rd.

Ehhh. This. Yeah them too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a woman who posted on here several times about her reconciliation that I think about whenever I see a thread on cheating (yes I read this forum too much).

Her prisoner/husband cheated and then did EVERYTHING she wanted to save the marriage. This means that he quit his job and now works remote, she has full access to his phone at any time, they signed a post-nup agreement, he had a vasectomy I think, therapy, AND he does more chores and she now has free time to herself and there are clear boundaries in the marriage. She insists that they are both so happy now and have regular lunchtime sex and he will be out if he ever cheats again but he never would because he has had therapy and is happy.

Just leave. Just keep your dignity and leave.

My DH was very remorseful when I confronted him about cheating. "If you could just be with me 24/7, I wouldn't cheat again." He started going to AA and would get someone there to "sign a sheet" that he could show me to prove he went to AA. He would tell me he was going to the therapist and showing me when he refilled his medications. It was all elaborate theater.

I didn't want to have to check his phone, or the credit card bills or put a key logger on the computer or keep track of the mileage in the car or search all the drawers, closets and compartments in the house and cars, or secretly mark the liquor bottles or keep track of the number of pills in my prescription medications. These are all the ways that I found out that he was lying to me. I declined to be, as PP so succinctly put it..... "his jailer". It is not my job keep my intimate partners from cheating. Life is short and I do not want to invest my time in a guy who has to be kept on a leash. If I'm going to wonder if a partner is cheating, let me at least have the joy of wondering about someone who has never previously been unfaithful to me, or, the relief of not having to wonder because I have chosen not to be partnered. Either of those would be far more joyful a life than living as a cheating partners jailer or wondering when he would cheat again and whether anything he says is truthful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's like running a marathon or getting sober . . . lots of people do it, but it's really hard and takes total commitment. You need to eat, breathe, and sleep accountability in order to do it right. And most cheaters are already lazy couch potatoes who probably aren't going to turn themselves into elite athletes.

As someone who's been there and done that and is now divorced after affair #2, I'll say . . . do NOT do any of the work for your spouse. Do not overcompensate. Do not get excited about tiny little bits of "effort." Don't give a ton of credit for "intentions" and ignore actions. Read Chump Lady. Read the book Fawning.

Honestly, this. Is it possible? yes. Is it likely? not really.

The sort of person who'd cheat in the first place has a LONG way to go if they want to be a higher-integrity human being. If they wanted that, they would've had it from the start. While some people really do just make a catastrophic mistake and then learn from it, many more people lie, manipulate, and pretend to change before reverting right back to the sort of person they were content to be all along.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them. The first time." - Maya Angelou

Somebody who was monogamous for 20 years is a lot different than somebody who always cheated. They showed they are capable of monogamy. Every situation is different. Every person is different. Your pool for dating in your 40/50/60s is going to basically be non-existent if you eliminate everyone who cheated. Sometimes what you have and built is better than the misfit toys circling the drain in the dating world.

I'm the original marathon comment and I'll just say, I guess? Mine waited 16 years to cheat the first time so brownie points for him I guess. Yes, there's a spectrum of f*cked-up-edness, and he would be ahead of the actual narcissists and psychopaths, but he is still very emotionally immature. And that was the real problem with our marriage. When we were 18 and 20, I had no way of realizing that he'd just never really grow up, and that he'd start going out four nights a week after our first baby was born and feel so, so sorry for himself if he had to constrain himself for the sake of family.

Having an affair meant that he had to reel the selfishness back and he tried, but it made him miserable. He went out probably 20 hours a week, on top of a full time job, many hobbies, and a lot of side investing he did for fun. Basically he's just insatiable. But let's throw a parade because he made time to take me out to lunch once a week.

He's also a chaos machine. I'm sure the 5 drinks he has every night and the suspected ADHD don't help with that. He bought his own house over a year ago and I just got a credit card in his name and a notice that a loan is being audited. The loan is for one of his other side businesses but it was addressed to the LLC that now only I own. If I asked him for an explanation he'd just blame the bank; how many hours of my life did I waste listening to him complain about how other people messed things up.

So I was loyal, and I was sticking it out, and he "tried," and we had fun and a good sex life (if he was ever home), but it was a raw, raw deal for me. Like honestly I cannot believe that some other woman wants him. I chuckle about it a lot. She can have fun listening to all his stories about all the mysterious bad things that just happen to him.

My point is, that sure, our marriage was fine, and sure, he wasn't as terrible as someone visiting sex workers or constantly cheating. I mean, he called me to cry and tell me how much he cares about me and thinks I'm a good mother on the day the divorce was final. And he did right by me financially. What a guy! He wasn't as terrible as some other cheaters! But he was a terrible partner, because he's self-absorbed and has absolutely zero insight into himself.

And boy did I spend so much time and energy giving him credit for really feeble attempts at adulting. Now I get to laugh as he only has the kids 43% of the time but that's so much more parenting than he's ever done.

I'm not afraid of being alone. I thought I was. But being the Queen of the Castle, as I call myself, is so much better. I have a vibrator. I have lovely friends. I have my amazing daughters. If the bar is some loser who makes time to take me to lunch once a week and scratches my itch for sex, I'm sure I can find that again if I want it. But this time it will be on my terms, with no strings attached.

TBH, your husband sounds like classic bipolar II (i.e. bipolar with hypomania) - the drinking, excessive activity, need to stay out, ADHD (which is often a misdiagnosis for bipolar), money issues, self-absorption, lack of insight, high drama, immaturity, etc.

You said you own an LLC for one of his businesses that is being audited -- if you are divorced, it is really not a good idea for you to be in a position that his financial mistakes can become a tangle for you.