Kid's friend's parents lied to her that we're "too busy"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you were very clear that you have no issue with this family never reciprocating (I’m the same way) but feel bothered that the other mother lied in a way that was damaging to your daughter’s friendship, even in a really minor way. I think it would have been fine to say oh, we were available and would have loved to see you! So sad we didn’t get to make that happen. So she can go ask her mom and the mom can come up with a different lie next time.

But since the moment is past I would try to let it go and if you want to keep this friendship alive emphasize that you LOVE hosting and really prefer it and it’s so nice that they have been willing to come to you next time you talk to the mom. Give her a way to save face and keep the friendship alive (if you want to). I try really hard to not hold parents’s weirdness against the kids.

Omg, please do not throw this other mom under the bus with her own kid! What is wrong with you?

It is not throwing the other mom under the bus to point out they lied about you. If the kid misunderstood she could go home and report to her mom that we were available and the mom could clarify they were the ones who were busy and just continue to say they are busy every weekend, forever. Or she could grow a spine and just say sorry we are not hosting playdates at our house. I mean seriously. I am learning from this thread you all lie to your kids a lot. You should stop, you are going to get caught eventually.

I am a parent who has empathy for other parents and also does not assume a 5 yr old is perfectly and accurately reporting a conversation with their parent. I also don't care enough about playdates with kindergarteners in general to care about this. This playdate that never happened will not make even a smidge if difference in these kids lives. It does not matter.

If your attitude is that the fellow mom who may or may not have told a white lie to her kid needs her comeuppance, enjoy having ZERO parent friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, sometimes my kid asks me for a playdate on the weekend when we end up with a pocket of time - but she asks me during the pocket of time. I might be comfortable texting some people for a play date in 5 minutes but not many - so I might say something like they are probably busy, in order to redirect the child. This is because I know it’s rude to give people no notice of plans and she doesn’t. It could be this simple.

My kid does this too. It's not her fault, kids don't know about planning ahead. But yeah, we have a handful of families we can text with know notice with "want to go to the park?" But if it's a family I don't know we'll, or who we only see with more formal plans, I would not invite in that situation. I might even say "it's too last minute to ask, let's plan ahead next time so we can make sure they aren't busy" and a 5 yr old might interpret that as "they're busy."

If your kid is requesting to play with a specific kid, why not text them with no notice to go to the park? The worst that can happen is they say no.
I know the answer, because you prefer to spend time with "families you know well."

Uh yes I do prefer to spend time with people I know well. Don't you? Sometimes I'm in the mood to make the extra effort to get to know a new family and sometimes I don't. I assume other families are the same.

I am not always in the mood to cold text some mom I don't know. So sue me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you were very clear that you have no issue with this family never reciprocating (I’m the same way) but feel bothered that the other mother lied in a way that was damaging to your daughter’s friendship, even in a really minor way. I think it would have been fine to say oh, we were available and would have loved to see you! So sad we didn’t get to make that happen. So she can go ask her mom and the mom can come up with a different lie next time.

But since the moment is past I would try to let it go and if you want to keep this friendship alive emphasize that you LOVE hosting and really prefer it and it’s so nice that they have been willing to come to you next time you talk to the mom. Give her a way to save face and keep the friendship alive (if you want to). I try really hard to not hold parents’s weirdness against the kids.

Omg, please do not throw this other mom under the bus with her own kid! What is wrong with you?

It is not throwing the other mom under the bus to point out they lied about you. If the kid misunderstood she could go home and report to her mom that we were available and the mom could clarify they were the ones who were busy and just continue to say they are busy every weekend, forever. Or she could grow a spine and just say sorry we are not hosting playdates at our house. I mean seriously. I am learning from this thread you all lie to your kids a lot. You should stop, you are going to get caught eventually.

I am a parent who has empathy for other parents and also does not assume a 5 yr old is perfectly and accurately reporting a conversation with their parent. I also don't care enough about playdates with kindergarteners in general to care about this. This playdate that never happened will not make even a smidge if difference in these kids lives. It does not matter.

If your attitude is that the fellow mom who may or may not have told a white lie to her kid needs her comeuppance, enjoy having ZERO parent friends.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you were very clear that you have no issue with this family never reciprocating (I’m the same way) but feel bothered that the other mother lied in a way that was damaging to your daughter’s friendship, even in a really minor way. I think it would have been fine to say oh, we were available and would have loved to see you! So sad we didn’t get to make that happen. So she can go ask her mom and the mom can come up with a different lie next time.

But since the moment is past I would try to let it go and if you want to keep this friendship alive emphasize that you LOVE hosting and really prefer it and it’s so nice that they have been willing to come to you next time you talk to the mom. Give her a way to save face and keep the friendship alive (if you want to). I try really hard to not hold parents’s weirdness against the kids.

Omg, please do not throw this other mom under the bus with her own kid! What is wrong with you?

It is not throwing the other mom under the bus to point out they lied about you. If the kid misunderstood she could go home and report to her mom that we were available and the mom could clarify they were the ones who were busy and just continue to say they are busy every weekend, forever. Or she could grow a spine and just say sorry we are not hosting playdates at our house. I mean seriously. I am learning from this thread you all lie to your kids a lot. You should stop, you are going to get caught eventually.

I am a parent who has empathy for other parents and also does not assume a 5 yr old is perfectly and accurately reporting a conversation with their parent. I also don't care enough about playdates with kindergarteners in general to care about this. This playdate that never happened will not make even a smidge if difference in these kids lives. It does not matter.

If your attitude is that the fellow mom who may or may not have told a white lie to her kid needs her comeuppance, enjoy having ZERO parent friends.

+1

I have plenty of parent friends who can handle being honest with their kids. My friends would never expect me (really my kids) to do their dirty work of disappointing their kid by saying my kid is always being too busy to come over because they don’t want to host a playdate. I find it so gross that apparently this is something that people are doing routinely. What is wrong with you all?

If the kid misunderstood, I don’t see the problem in setting them straight, how is that even a consideration?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you were very clear that you have no issue with this family never reciprocating (I’m the same way) but feel bothered that the other mother lied in a way that was damaging to your daughter’s friendship, even in a really minor way. I think it would have been fine to say oh, we were available and would have loved to see you! So sad we didn’t get to make that happen. So she can go ask her mom and the mom can come up with a different lie next time.

But since the moment is past I would try to let it go and if you want to keep this friendship alive emphasize that you LOVE hosting and really prefer it and it’s so nice that they have been willing to come to you next time you talk to the mom. Give her a way to save face and keep the friendship alive (if you want to). I try really hard to not hold parents’s weirdness against the kids.

Omg, please do not throw this other mom under the bus with her own kid! What is wrong with you?

It is not throwing the other mom under the bus to point out they lied about you. If the kid misunderstood she could go home and report to her mom that we were available and the mom could clarify they were the ones who were busy and just continue to say they are busy every weekend, forever. Or she could grow a spine and just say sorry we are not hosting playdates at our house. I mean seriously. I am learning from this thread you all lie to your kids a lot. You should stop, you are going to get caught eventually.

I am a parent who has empathy for other parents and also does not assume a 5 yr old is perfectly and accurately reporting a conversation with their parent. I also don't care enough about playdates with kindergarteners in general to care about this. This playdate that never happened will not make even a smidge if difference in these kids lives. It does not matter.

If your attitude is that the fellow mom who may or may not have told a white lie to her kid needs her comeuppance, enjoy having ZERO parent friends.

+1

I have plenty of parent friends who can handle being honest with their kids. My friends would never expect me (really my kids) to do their dirty work of disappointing their kid by saying my kid is always being too busy to come over because they don’t want to host a playdate. I find it so gross that apparently this is something that people are doing routinely. What is wrong with you all?

If the kid misunderstood, I don’t see the problem in setting them straight, how is that even a consideration?

OMG.

Right now the girl thinks the reason you didn't get together is that you were busy with something else, a perfectly acceptable reason not to get together. The girl might be disappointed there wasn't a play date but oh well, sometimes kids are disappointed there isn't a play date. This is not a catastrophe. The child does not think poorly of you -- she just incorrectly thinks you were busy.

If you "set her straight" she is going to know her parents lied to her about you being busy. And the mom is going to discover that it's more important to you to make sure her daughter knows she lied than to offer a little goodwill to a fellow parent and just say "oh it's too bad we couldn't make it work, let's try again next weekend." So then you'll have a 5 yr old who is upset her mom lied, and a mom who is upset to be called out on a lie in front of her own kid.

AND you don't even know if she lied! She may have said something like "oh it's too last minute to ask, they are probably busy." The five year old might not have understood. But if you butt in with your "honestly" she will absolutely believe her mom lied, and she'll believe her mom did so to deprive her child of a playdate (instead of the real reason, which is likely that you are a PITA and the mom couldn't deal with you that day because you are the sort of person who pulls stuff like this).

Don't call parents out in front of their kids for innocent white lies that ALL parents tell their kids with absolutely no harm befalling anyone. I can't believe anyone has to explain this to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you were very clear that you have no issue with this family never reciprocating (I’m the same way) but feel bothered that the other mother lied in a way that was damaging to your daughter’s friendship, even in a really minor way. I think it would have been fine to say oh, we were available and would have loved to see you! So sad we didn’t get to make that happen. So she can go ask her mom and the mom can come up with a different lie next time.

But since the moment is past I would try to let it go and if you want to keep this friendship alive emphasize that you LOVE hosting and really prefer it and it’s so nice that they have been willing to come to you next time you talk to the mom. Give her a way to save face and keep the friendship alive (if you want to). I try really hard to not hold parents’s weirdness against the kids.

Omg, please do not throw this other mom under the bus with her own kid! What is wrong with you?

It is not throwing the other mom under the bus to point out they lied about you. If the kid misunderstood she could go home and report to her mom that we were available and the mom could clarify they were the ones who were busy and just continue to say they are busy every weekend, forever. Or she could grow a spine and just say sorry we are not hosting playdates at our house. I mean seriously. I am learning from this thread you all lie to your kids a lot. You should stop, you are going to get caught eventually.

I am a parent who has empathy for other parents and also does not assume a 5 yr old is perfectly and accurately reporting a conversation with their parent. I also don't care enough about playdates with kindergarteners in general to care about this. This playdate that never happened will not make even a smidge if difference in these kids lives. It does not matter.

If your attitude is that the fellow mom who may or may not have told a white lie to her kid needs her comeuppance, enjoy having ZERO parent friends.

+1

I have plenty of parent friends who can handle being honest with their kids. My friends would never expect me (really my kids) to do their dirty work of disappointing their kid by saying my kid is always being too busy to come over because they don’t want to host a playdate. I find it so gross that apparently this is something that people are doing routinely. What is wrong with you all?

If the kid misunderstood, I don’t see the problem in setting them straight, how is that even a consideration?

OMG.

Right now the girl thinks the reason you didn't get together is that you were busy with something else, a perfectly acceptable reason not to get together. The girl might be disappointed there wasn't a play date but oh well, sometimes kids are disappointed there isn't a play date. This is not a catastrophe. The child does not think poorly of you -- she just incorrectly thinks you were busy.

If you "set her straight" she is going to know her parents lied to her about you being busy. And the mom is going to discover that it's more important to you to make sure her daughter knows she lied than to offer a little goodwill to a fellow parent and just say "oh it's too bad we couldn't make it work, let's try again next weekend." So then you'll have a 5 yr old who is upset her mom lied, and a mom who is upset to be called out on a lie in front of her own kid.

AND you don't even know if she lied! She may have said something like "oh it's too last minute to ask, they are probably busy." The five year old might not have understood. But if you butt in with your "honestly" she will absolutely believe her mom lied, and she'll believe her mom did so to deprive her child of a playdate (instead of the real reason, which is likely that you are a PITA and the mom couldn't deal with you that day because you are the sort of person who pulls stuff like this).

Don't call parents out in front of their kids for innocent white lies that ALL parents tell their kids with absolutely no harm befalling anyone. I can't believe anyone has to explain this to you.

You are missing that OP’s kids have never been allowed to go to this house. This is not a one off. What do you think when someone is always “too busy” to come over when you invite them? If what the little girl said is accurate, she wants to have people over and her mom is habitually coming up with reasons that they can’t.

Again if it was a misunderstanding then the mom explains that. I don’t lie to my kids so I don’t get caught lying to them or spend a lot of time worrying about who is not going to help me cover up my lies but my kids have misrepresented something and I’ve smoothed it over later. No big deal. I don’t understand why you think it’s even relevant that the little girl might have misunderstood what her mom said. None of this is out of malice, I am very aware kids say things that aren’t 100 percent true all the time and that might be what happened here. But no I’m not going to play along with the idea my kid refused a play date (or maybe many, even all play dates with a specific child) because I’m so worried another parent might get caught in their own lies.

Seriously if you are this worried about it just tell the kid the truth.

[Anonymous]

Also the only reason OP’s kid didn’t chime in “what are you talking about, I was home bored all day in Saturday” is because she’s in kindergarten and doesn’t remember what day Saturday was. In a couple years kids will be handling it themselves.

[Anonymous]

OP seems really desperate to go to this girl's house and connect with the mother or something. It's kind of weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a super social kid who was always asking for a playdate, either at our house or inviting herself to theirs, and it got exhausting. At a point I did start saying the other kid was busy because it was the easiest to get her to stop asking repeatedly. OP, you are looking for a problem where their isn't one.

Ok, so no is a complete sentence. Don’t lie about what other parents said.

[Anonymous]

I think you should not worry about it and read the room. For whatever reason the playdates at the other girl’s house are not going to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s really weird that this bothers you, and no I would not say anything. How do you envision that going??

My daughter is in first grade and she wasn’t invited to an acquaintances bday this year (my daughter is friends with the girl, but we are not close to the parents). My daughter told the girl her feelings were hurt (I think because one of her close friends was invited) and she told the girl who told her that her mom (me) had missed the invite.
I checked and there was not an invite (the family used the same event platform the last two years). I have no idea if the parents said that to their daughter or if she made it up, but it didn’t bother me.

FWIW, we have two rescue dogs who bark a lot and are not good unless they have multiple introductions, which is not a possibility with kids, so we don’t host. We tried in the past and kids were always freaked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s really weird that this bothers you, and no I would not say anything. How do you envision that going??

My daughter is in first grade and she wasn’t invited to an acquaintances bday this year (my daughter is friends with the girl, but we are not close to the parents). My daughter told the girl her feelings were hurt (I think because one of her close friends was invited) and she told the girl who told her that her mom (me) had missed the invite.
I checked and there was not an invite (the family used the same event platform the last two years). I have no idea if the parents said that to their daughter or if she made it up, but it didn’t bother me.

FWIW, we have two rescue dogs who bark a lot and are not good unless they have multiple introductions, which is not a possibility with kids, so we don’t host. We tried in the past and kids were always freaked out.

Typos- on my phone. I meant to write the girl told her that I (her mom) missed the invite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s really weird that this bothers you, and no I would not say anything. How do you envision that going??

My daughter is in first grade and she wasn’t invited to an acquaintances bday this year (my daughter is friends with the girl, but we are not close to the parents). My daughter told the girl her feelings were hurt (I think because one of her close friends was invited) and she told the girl who told her that her mom (me) had missed the invite.
I checked and there was not an invite (the family used the same event platform the last two years). I have no idea if the parents said that to their daughter or if she made it up, but it didn’t bother me.

FWIW, we have two rescue dogs who bark a lot and are not good unless they have multiple introductions, which is not a possibility with kids, so we don’t host. We tried in the past and kids were always freaked out.

That sucks that you prioritize dogs over kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s really weird that this bothers you, and no I would not say anything. How do you envision that going??

My daughter is in first grade and she wasn’t invited to an acquaintances bday this year (my daughter is friends with the girl, but we are not close to the parents). My daughter told the girl her feelings were hurt (I think because one of her close friends was invited) and she told the girl who told her that her mom (me) had missed the invite.
I checked and there was not an invite (the family used the same event platform the last two years). I have no idea if the parents said that to their daughter or if she made it up, but it didn’t bother me.

FWIW, we have two rescue dogs who bark a lot and are not good unless they have multiple introductions, which is not a possibility with kids, so we don’t host. We tried in the past and kids were always freaked out.

That sucks that you prioritize dogs over kids.

x 1000 I grew up in a house like this with poorly behaved dogs and it sucked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s really weird that this bothers you, and no I would not say anything. How do you envision that going??

My daughter is in first grade and she wasn’t invited to an acquaintances bday this year (my daughter is friends with the girl, but we are not close to the parents). My daughter told the girl her feelings were hurt (I think because one of her close friends was invited) and she told the girl who told her that her mom (me) had missed the invite.
I checked and there was not an invite (the family used the same event platform the last two years). I have no idea if the parents said that to their daughter or if she made it up, but it didn’t bother me.

FWIW, we have two rescue dogs who bark a lot and are not good unless they have multiple introductions, which is not a possibility with kids, so we don’t host. We tried in the past and kids were always freaked out.

That sucks that you prioritize dogs over kids.

x 1000 I grew up in a house like this with poorly behaved dogs and it sucked.

But they are rescued badly behaved dogs, i guess we need to give grace to bad manners?