Child is severely left out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: My daughter’s group is also (like pp) the “popular” girls group. Not only are they popular, but really liked. My DD is worried she would turn into the “weird kids” if she said anything to the group leaving her out. I really don’t know how to help her, because she has been crying every night but is too scared to do anything.

So she wants to be treated badly by the popular kids more than she wants to find nice friends who aren't popular.

She has made her choice.

Not really- she’s worried everyone already has their own friends

That's not what your post said.

This is a sucky situation, but it's really important that you help your dd understand what is and is not in her control and what choices she is actively making. Don't get sucked into her rigid definition of "popular" and "weird."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: My daughter’s group is also (like pp) the “popular” girls group. Not only are they popular, but really liked. My DD is worried she would turn into the “weird kids” if she said anything to the group leaving her out. I really don’t know how to help her, because she has been crying every night but is too scared to do anything.

OP, I'm one of the PPs - my DD was in this situation in 7th and 9th. She was also in a group with some of the popular girls -- but, it turned out that a couple of girls in that group had beef with her and started shutting her out. She accepted it for about 8 months until she decided enough was enough and she deserved better. She started reaching out to people she hadn't really reached out to before and now they are her true friends. The process does take some time, so there might be several months that aren't that great.

Honestly, it will take your daughter realizing at some point that she deserves better and find people who treat her like she should be treated. It is a hard, hard lesson, but she will be so much happier and feel so much better about it in the long run.

I'm sorry she (and you) are going through this. It's painful for all involved.

[Anonymous]

You need to work on her self esteem and self worth. You do not want to teach the lesson that its okay for your friends to treat you like garbage as long as they don't think you are "weird."

That is not friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: My daughter’s group is also (like pp) the “popular” girls group. Not only are they popular, but really liked. My DD is worried she would turn into the “weird kids” if she said anything to the group leaving her out. I really don’t know how to help her, because she has been crying every night but is too scared to do anything.

OP, I'm one of the PPs - my DD was in this situation in 7th and 9th. She was also in a group with some of the popular girls -- but, it turned out that a couple of girls in that group had beef with her and started shutting her out. She accepted it for about 8 months until she decided enough was enough and she deserved better. She started reaching out to people she hadn't really reached out to before and now they are her true friends. The process does take some time, so there might be several months that aren't that great.

Honestly, it will take your daughter realizing at some point that she deserves better and find people who treat her like she should be treated. It is a hard, hard lesson, but she will be so much happier and feel so much better about it in the long run.

I'm sorry she (and you) are going through this. It's painful for all involved.

This post is exactly right. My DS was in the popular crowd in early middle school and was totally miserable. Most of them seemed miserable and there was constant jockeying for status. THEY have to decide enough is enough. And it's really hard for them. Posters downplaying this just lack empathy. Yes, they may have other options. But to them in the moment it doesn't feel like they do other than to stick around and endure shitty friendships and stay in the perceived safety of the group they know. Keep messaging this is not what real friendship should look and feel like. If this is what it means to be popular, is this worth it? Are you happy in this group of friends? Don't demonize popularity (it's real to them!), but explain that popularity is fleeting and meaningless.

My son moved on and has great friends in high school. I wish you the best. It sucks. BUT I do think there is a silver lining that kids who go through this and break out of these types of friend groups are more confident and less likely to get sucked into caring what everyone thinks about them all the time. They've gotten dumped and they know who they are and they know they'll be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: My daughter’s group is also (like pp) the “popular” girls group. Not only are they popular, but really liked. My DD is worried she would turn into the “weird kids” if she said anything to the group leaving her out. I really don’t know how to help her, because she has been crying every night but is too scared to do anything.

OP, I'm one of the PPs - my DD was in this situation in 7th and 9th. She was also in a group with some of the popular girls -- but, it turned out that a couple of girls in that group had beef with her and started shutting her out. She accepted it for about 8 months until she decided enough was enough and she deserved better. She started reaching out to people she hadn't really reached out to before and now they are her true friends. The process does take some time, so there might be several months that aren't that great.

Honestly, it will take your daughter realizing at some point that she deserves better and find people who treat her like she should be treated. It is a hard, hard lesson, but she will be so much happier and feel so much better about it in the long run.

I'm sorry she (and you) are going through this. It's painful for all involved.

This post is exactly right. My DS was in the popular crowd in early middle school and was totally miserable. Most of them seemed miserable and there was constant jockeying for status. THEY have to decide enough is enough. And it's really hard for them. Posters downplaying this just lack empathy. Yes, they may have other options. But to them in the moment it doesn't feel like they do other than to stick around and endure shitty friendships and stay in the perceived safety of the group they know. Keep messaging this is not what real friendship should look and feel like. If this is what it means to be popular, is this worth it? Are you happy in this group of friends? Don't demonize popularity (it's real to them!), but explain that popularity is fleeting and meaningless.

My son moved on and has great friends in high school. I wish you the best. It sucks. BUT I do think there is a silver lining that kids who go through this and break out of these types of friend groups are more confident and less likely to get sucked into caring what everyone thinks about them all the time. They've gotten dumped and they know who they are and they know they'll be fine.

I'm the PP who's DD did leave the popular group - and cried in the dark empty classroom while eating her lunch alone (then went on to find better friends). OP listen to this PP. I'll add to what PP said here that as many have advised you, get your DD around OTHER KIDS. Whether it's afterschool programs/activities or on weekends, find other things your DD cares about, enjoys, and go do those. Try to join some group thing if possible where she'll see the same kids every weekend or something like that.

As much as my DD found a better more stable friend group a year later in 8th grade, it wasn't until 10th grade when she made friends with a couple of seniors that she REALLY learned what real, healthy, supportive friendship looks like. Most of her friends before then had their good points, and fun times were had, but more people would go on to leave her out, tell her secrets, and talk ish behind her back. Only in 10th grade did she experience good friends who were consistent, truly supportive, and never talked ish. But they were seniors, so she was one of few sophmores crying a river at graduation because all her new great friends were leaving and she felt alone again.

But she found more good friends and the rest of high school she was lucky, was a lot better for her.

OP get your daughter around other kids however you can. And try my suggestion of watching a few teen drama movies with her. And if you haven't talked to the school counselor, you should make a mtg with them and ask how best to support your DD, and ask for advice for her.

[Anonymous]

Romy and Michelle all day long!

[Anonymous]

Get her into a sport she loves. It will solve so many problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Romy and Michelle all day long!

I haven't seen that one, I'll check it out! DDs have probably both seen it, but not me so thanks for rec! (Not OP, just the PP suggesting good teen "Friendship is hard! Friendship is dramatic! Friendship sucks! Oh, wait, I found my people... Friendship is great!" movies

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: My daughter’s group is also (like pp) the “popular” girls group. Not only are they popular, but really liked. My DD is worried she would turn into the “weird kids” if she said anything to the group leaving her out. I really don’t know how to help her, because she has been crying every night but is too scared to do anything.

OP, I'm one of the PPs - my DD was in this situation in 7th and 9th. She was also in a group with some of the popular girls -- but, it turned out that a couple of girls in that group had beef with her and started shutting her out. She accepted it for about 8 months until she decided enough was enough and she deserved better. She started reaching out to people she hadn't really reached out to before and now they are her true friends. The process does take some time, so there might be several months that aren't that great.

Honestly, it will take your daughter realizing at some point that she deserves better and find people who treat her like she should be treated. It is a hard, hard lesson, but she will be so much happier and feel so much better about it in the long run.

I'm sorry she (and you) are going through this. It's painful for all involved.

This post is exactly right. My DS was in the popular crowd in early middle school and was totally miserable. Most of them seemed miserable and there was constant jockeying for status. THEY have to decide enough is enough. And it's really hard for them. Posters downplaying this just lack empathy. Yes, they may have other options. But to them in the moment it doesn't feel like they do other than to stick around and endure shitty friendships and stay in the perceived safety of the group they know. Keep messaging this is not what real friendship should look and feel like. If this is what it means to be popular, is this worth it? Are you happy in this group of friends? Don't demonize popularity (it's real to them!), but explain that popularity is fleeting and meaningless.

My son moved on and has great friends in high school. I wish you the best. It sucks. BUT I do think there is a silver lining that kids who go through this and break out of these types of friend groups are more confident and less likely to get sucked into caring what everyone thinks about them all the time. They've gotten dumped and they know who they are and they know they'll be fine.

I'm the PP who's DD did leave the popular group - and cried in the dark empty classroom while eating her lunch alone (then went on to find better friends). OP listen to this PP. I'll add to what PP said here that as many have advised you, get your DD around OTHER KIDS. Whether it's afterschool programs/activities or on weekends, find other things your DD cares about, enjoys, and go do those. Try to join some group thing if possible where she'll see the same kids every weekend or something like that.

As much as my DD found a better more stable friend group a year later in 8th grade, it wasn't until 10th grade when she made friends with a couple of seniors that she REALLY learned what real, healthy, supportive friendship looks like. Most of her friends before then had their good points, and fun times were had, but more people would go on to leave her out, tell her secrets, and talk ish behind her back. Only in 10th grade did she experience good friends who were consistent, truly supportive, and never talked ish. But they were seniors, so she was one of few sophmores crying a river at graduation because all her new great friends were leaving and she felt alone again.

But she found more good friends and the rest of high school she was lucky, was a lot better for her.

OP get your daughter around other kids however you can. And try my suggestion of watching a few teen drama movies with her. And if you haven't talked to the school counselor, you should make a mtg with them and ask how best to support your DD, and ask for advice for her.

NP. Any other movie recommendations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: My daughter’s group is also (like pp) the “popular” girls group. Not only are they popular, but really liked. My DD is worried she would turn into the “weird kids” if she said anything to the group leaving her out. I really don’t know how to help her, because she has been crying every night but is too scared to do anything.

OP, I'm one of the PPs - my DD was in this situation in 7th and 9th. She was also in a group with some of the popular girls -- but, it turned out that a couple of girls in that group had beef with her and started shutting her out. She accepted it for about 8 months until she decided enough was enough and she deserved better. She started reaching out to people she hadn't really reached out to before and now they are her true friends. The process does take some time, so there might be several months that aren't that great.

Honestly, it will take your daughter realizing at some point that she deserves better and find people who treat her like she should be treated. It is a hard, hard lesson, but she will be so much happier and feel so much better about it in the long run.

I'm sorry she (and you) are going through this. It's painful for all involved.

This post is exactly right. My DS was in the popular crowd in early middle school and was totally miserable. Most of them seemed miserable and there was constant jockeying for status. THEY have to decide enough is enough. And it's really hard for them. Posters downplaying this just lack empathy. Yes, they may have other options. But to them in the moment it doesn't feel like they do other than to stick around and endure shitty friendships and stay in the perceived safety of the group they know. Keep messaging this is not what real friendship should look and feel like. If this is what it means to be popular, is this worth it? Are you happy in this group of friends? Don't demonize popularity (it's real to them!), but explain that popularity is fleeting and meaningless.

My son moved on and has great friends in high school. I wish you the best. It sucks. BUT I do think there is a silver lining that kids who go through this and break out of these types of friend groups are more confident and less likely to get sucked into caring what everyone thinks about them all the time. They've gotten dumped and they know who they are and they know they'll be fine.

I'm the PP who's DD did leave the popular group - and cried in the dark empty classroom while eating her lunch alone (then went on to find better friends). OP listen to this PP. I'll add to what PP said here that as many have advised you, get your DD around OTHER KIDS. Whether it's afterschool programs/activities or on weekends, find other things your DD cares about, enjoys, and go do those. Try to join some group thing if possible where she'll see the same kids every weekend or something like that.

As much as my DD found a better more stable friend group a year later in 8th grade, it wasn't until 10th grade when she made friends with a couple of seniors that she REALLY learned what real, healthy, supportive friendship looks like. Most of her friends before then had their good points, and fun times were had, but more people would go on to leave her out, tell her secrets, and talk ish behind her back. Only in 10th grade did she experience good friends who were consistent, truly supportive, and never talked ish. But they were seniors, so she was one of few sophmores crying a river at graduation because all her new great friends were leaving and she felt alone again.

But she found more good friends and the rest of high school she was lucky, was a lot better for her.

OP get your daughter around other kids however you can. And try my suggestion of watching a few teen drama movies with her. And if you haven't talked to the school counselor, you should make a mtg with them and ask how best to support your DD, and ask for advice for her.

NP. Any other movie recommendations?

Someone above said "Romy & Michelle", which I've never seen but there's one. And I mentioned "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" above, which continues to be one of DD's favorite movies ever. One series, so not a movie but a t.v. series that I HIGHLY recommend is "Little Fires Everywhere". Very interesting study of all sorts of real family and community dynamics. My DDs and I watched it together (youngest was 12 then) and like I said, it's got some very real themes so some parents might not want to watch with a 12 yr old. But I think the whole series there were only a couple of scenes we fast forwarded through because it was pretty obvious some sexual content was going to happen with teens. Hey, it's real life, and it's not like they weren't seeing it in other movies they watched on their phones when we weren't paying attention (and it was NEVER graphic).

So we watched the series together and always had a talk after about what they thought and what stood out for them when each episode or each binge session (2 or 3 episodes) was over. I really tried to listen to them and learn from what they were noticing. I tried not to preach, but I also made sure I said whatever I really hoped they took away from it. There are probably even more current shows, although I don't think I recommend Euphoria because that is SO intense and yes, real for some, but there are much less dark shows that I'd watch with a 7th grader. I'm just blanking on which others I checked out!

Anyone else have films or shows to recommend that get at tween and teen social dynamics and realities and hopefully make tweens/teens who feel left out see that it's usually not about them, that the mean girls are complicated and the whole social context is flawed and hard for almost everyone?

[Anonymous]

Hey guys, thank you for all your feedback. DD talked to “friend” last night, and “friend” said she had no problem with DD. Although, today it seemed to have gotten worse as “friend” has completely disregarded her. DD came home crying. Planning on having a movie night today with the recommended shows you all have given. What are the next steps possible to take? Should I do something or let her handle it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey guys, thank you for all your feedback. DD talked to “friend” last night, and “friend” said she had no problem with DD. Although, today it seemed to have gotten worse as “friend” has completely disregarded her. DD came home crying. Planning on having a movie night today with the recommended shows you all have given. What are the next steps possible to take? Should I do something or let her handle it?

Just distract her tonight. DD has to decide she no longer cares about "friend", which you have accurately put in quotes. She will get there. It just might not be your time table. It's very hard to watch.

I remember saying to my kid at this age if someone doesn't want to be your friend or isn't nice to you, will talking to them about it and continuing to try to be friends with them help or make it better? When people show you who they are, believe them. The options are keep trying or stop trying and they have to get to the stop trying answer on their own.

[Anonymous]

Tell her this “friend” is a b and not to give her the time of day. I can’t stand this mean girl behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey guys, thank you for all your feedback. DD talked to “friend” last night, and “friend” said she had no problem with DD. Although, today it seemed to have gotten worse as “friend” has completely disregarded her. DD came home crying. Planning on having a movie night today with the recommended shows you all have given. What are the next steps possible to take? Should I do something or let her handle it?

That sounds like such a pick me. What does it mean the friend has completely disregarded her? It’s sounds like such a needy interaction to discuss if anyone has a problem with her. That’s not a reason to come home trying. You getting so involved in her teen relationships is not a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey guys, thank you for all your feedback. DD talked to “friend” last night, and “friend” said she had no problem with DD. Although, today it seemed to have gotten worse as “friend” has completely disregarded her. DD came home crying. Planning on having a movie night today with the recommended shows you all have given. What are the next steps possible to take? Should I do something or let her handle it?

That sounds like such a pick me. What does it mean the friend has completely disregarded her? It’s sounds like such a needy interaction to discuss if anyone has a problem with her. That’s not a reason to come home trying. You getting so involved in her teen relationships is not a good thing.

Op please do not look at these posts. Calling something a “needy interaction” for a friend ignoring you is insane. Best of luck.