How to handle this

[Anonymous]

OP - IMHO you WERE ridiculous . Instead of the job search, you decided to go away for a day during workweek with your toddler to socialize and take the care for the whole day as well, while he needed the car for a quick doctor's appointment.

Maybe try to uber yourself bring some money in family budget? Your toddler can be in the carseat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you pulled your toddler out of childcare? Maybe he thinks you aren't planning to go back to work and are just planning on a life of lunching and having he car while he works and tries to fit in appointments etc.

^^^^ It’s this, OP. How hard, really, are trying to find a job? I know it’s rough out there but looking for a job IS a full-time job. Act like it. You don’t go have daytime play dates with friends that require one of you to spend your tightening funds on an Uber.

Agree with pp. You need to treat job searching like a full time job. Which means child goes back to daycare and you are literally at your desk all day from 9 to 5 or whatever full day work hours you set pounding the pavement...applying to jobs, interviewing with recruiters, studying about the positions or companies you are applying to. My man has been laid off twice in the past ten years and each time this was his strategy. I watched him in his home office spend grueling and long days searching, phone interviewing, camera interviewing, in person interviewing. You need to take your job search seriously and it doesn't quite sound as though you are doing that.

Pounding the pavement? What is this, 1920?

It can't possibly be...seeing as I was born in 1983.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The doctors appointment is more of a priority over socializing with friends… especially while unemployed ma’am.

No one is saying that he shouldn’t go to the Dr appt. I think his reaction was way over the top and ridiculous. Taking an uber introduces zero hardship.

And even if he didn’t want to do it, he is an adult and should be capable of having a normal conversation. I can’t believe that anyone is defending his over the top and mean reaction.

[Anonymous]

Are you going to be able to quickly get your daycare spot again? What about if you have interviews? I get that pulling your child out saves daycare money but it limits your ability to job hunt and your start date for any new job is going to have to negotiated around getting your child back into daycare. I also don’t k ow what the real issue is. It you need to stop playing a victim and talk to your husband like an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The doctors appointment is more of a priority over socializing with friends… especially while unemployed ma’am.

No one is saying that he shouldn’t go to the Dr appt. I think his reaction was way over the top and ridiculous. Taking an uber introduces zero hardship.

And even if he didn’t want to do it, he is an adult and should be capable of having a normal conversation. I can’t believe that anyone is defending his over the top and mean reaction.

OP is the unhinged over the top reactionary and you are fueling her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The doctors appointment is more of a priority over socializing with friends… especially while unemployed ma’am.

No one is saying that he shouldn’t go to the Dr appt. I think his reaction was way over the top and ridiculous. Taking an uber introduces zero hardship.

And even if he didn’t want to do it, he is an adult and should be capable of having a normal conversation. I can’t believe that anyone is defending his over the top and mean reaction.

Her reaction of sleeping on the couch, saying she doesn’t feel safe to talk to him, and having a sulking fit is just as indefensible. She can’t have a normal conversation either. He said he isn’t feeling listened to which is the most mature thing said on either said. At least he is trying to communicate.

[Anonymous]

I feel like some of you must not live in dc… 15-20 min for an uber is not common.

Ubering as a single adult is so simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like some of you must not live in dc… 15-20 min for an uber is not common.

Ubering as a single adult is so simple.

It is also expensive for a household that has just lost one income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I share a car. He WFH and I was recently laid off and staying home with our toddler while I job hunt. Today a friend invited us over for the day and I asked my husband if he would take an Uber to his eye doctor appointment, which was scheduled at noon. He freaked out and said a bunch of hurtful things, including “you’re ridiculous” and “you don’t listen to me.” Maybe it doesn’t sound like much but it hurt me a lot, and I cried. This was an overreaction, no? How do I address?

Overreaction and bizarre. I would have had no problem taking Uber in this situation and letting my spouse take the car with the car seat.

+1

But it’s clear he’s upset about something so when you’re feeling calmer, ask him about it.

[Anonymous]

Not reading the rest of this but i think it’s reasonable to ask spouse to Uber.

This isn’t spouse vs spouse, this is family needs and in this case, it’s reasonable for the toddler to get to go somewhere and use the car their car seat is in.

Can you imagine telling a friend “I’d love to come over but Joe has to go to the dentist, so what about next week?”

But overall I agree - two stressed parents and both just need to give each other a bit more grace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused by his response. You asked him to Uber so you can take the shared car to a friend's house.

My response to you would be that "you are very selfish."

I don't understand why he said "that's ridiculous" or "you're not listening to me." What does his response have to do with car sharing?

I think you are missing some details OP. Why did he call you ridiculous or accuse you of not listening? Do you know? Can you tell us? If you don't know can you ask him what he means?

I do not think this outburst on his part is about the car sharing. There is something else going on here.

Why would you say “you are very selfish?” Why wouldn’t you say, actually, I really need the car today for the appt. Would you pls take a uber of plan your visit on a different day, or after my appt? Thanks

Pp here. I never said I was the best communicator. I said that's what I would have said bc I was trying to make the point that her DHs response didn't quite line up with the situation at hand.

I do like your response better and had her DH said that to her things could have possibly turned out differently.

If she'd had the sense to say to her friend "that date doesn't work; DH needs the car. How about next Monday?" things would have turned out differently. The sort of person who'd be this myopically selfish is probably a PITA on a few other fronts. That plus money stress = overwhelm and poor responses.

This. You making plans to socialize when he has an appointment was very rude and thoughtful. Go a different day. And job hunt on weekdays, don’t play with friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The doctors appointment is more of a priority over socializing with friends… especially while unemployed ma’am.

No one is saying that he shouldn’t go to the Dr appt. I think his reaction was way over the top and ridiculous. Taking an uber introduces zero hardship.

And even if he didn’t want to do it, he is an adult and should be capable of having a normal conversation. I can’t believe that anyone is defending his over the top and mean reaction.

Her reaction of sleeping on the couch, saying she doesn’t feel safe to talk to him, and having a sulking fit is just as indefensible. She can’t have a normal conversation either. He said he isn’t feeling listened to which is the most mature thing said on either said. At least he is trying to communicate.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you pulled your toddler out of childcare? Maybe he thinks you aren't planning to go back to work and are just planning on a life of lunching and having he car while he works and tries to fit in appointments etc.

^^^^ It’s this, OP. How hard, really, are trying to find a job? I know it’s rough out there but looking for a job IS a full-time job. Act like it. You don’t go have daytime play dates with friends that require one of you to spend your tightening funds on an Uber.

Agree with pp. You need to treat job searching like a full time job. Which means child goes back to daycare and you are literally at your desk all day from 9 to 5 or whatever full day work hours you set pounding the pavement...applying to jobs, interviewing with recruiters, studying about the positions or companies you are applying to. My man has been laid off twice in the past ten years and each time this was his strategy. I watched him in his home office spend grueling and long days searching, phone interviewing, camera interviewing, in person interviewing. You need to take your job search seriously and it doesn't quite sound as though you are doing that.

In a 20+ year marriage, my husband has been laid off twice and I didn’t worry as I saw him work 8-10 hours a day getting a new job. Both times he got a job after 2 months. Not sure what would happen in 2025 ecenomy.

If he is over-reacting and raging at you this early in the marriage, what is going to happen as time moves on? Abusers often first start showing abuse to their partners after an event that locks their partner in: marriage, moving in, having a child, being a stay at home mom.
Also, not saying this is happening now but just to keep in mind: when spouses cheat, they often start verbally abusing their spouses. Easier to not blame yourself for cheating if you can think your spouse is “horrible, stupid, ugly”.

You need to put serious effort into getting another job for when this escalates. Consider getting cameras for main rooms of them house (not his bedroom & bathrooms) It isn’t a good sign that you spent the night separate.

Do you have help with your child so you can spend a Saturday together and talk this out?

[Anonymous]

Speaking as somebody who was in a one car, one income household I can unequivocally tell you that his doctor appointment takes priority over a play date. A play date or socializing with your friends can easily be rescheduled. To Uber or not Uber is completely besides the point.

[Anonymous]

I think he is upset about something else and was inappropriate. He should be happy to take uber so his child can have a play date. Sounds a bit selfish.