FIL Critiques

[Anonymous]

I think he just has those dreamy ideas about how everything should be, ideally, and projects them on you.
My mother was like that. She was sad she couldn’t make us follow her ideas or conform to her ideals or whatnot. It was indeed pretty annoying.
These people live in some fairyland all the time in their head and are pretty upset when reality isn’t like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I'll take it under advisement. Here, have some mixed nuts."

This is really good advice but I literally tried this and he said “small critique, with nut allergies being so pervasive may I suggest a different canapé for future visits?”

I hope this made you laugh! In real life it was very frustrating.

DP.
Sure, bring us some good ones next time!

I will be happy to share. Here are others I didn’t mention:

“Small note, I noticed that your shoes look badly worn. It’s important to have new shoes every year for optimal foot health.” (I wore old shoes to go gardening)

“I’m a bit concerned that the children often wear sweat pants to school. Teachers won’t take them seriously.”
(They’re in high school).

“Small critique, but it’s important for everyone to make sure that you don’t have an excessively high volume on your earbuds” (said right after a birthday toast from my husband and I for my daughter).

“I noticed your dryer wasn’t drying efficiently” (I had too many follow up questions so I just stared at him blankly and rushed off to work).

“I couldn’t help but notice your junk drawer needs organizing”

“I think your daughter needs to learn a computer programming language. You should check books out from the library and learn it so you could teach her.”

(Two days after i brought my new baby home after a very difficult labor and c section) “it’s really important for a real family to have three or more kids.” (We never had three or more kids)

I mean it goes on and on but the three kid one was brought up as recently as last year and the kids are in high school.

- op

It must be so nice to be an old white man and think you have the answer to everything and that other people want to hear it.

I love this response so much. I’ll be thinking about it when I’m hearing his critiques this year. Thank you.

Op

[Anonymous]

Hopefully that husband of yours doesn’t turn into his dad later in life 👀

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I'll put it on The List."

A very short phrase. Same phrase. Repeated every time. With no interest shown. That's what DD says when we suggest a movie or a book and we know now to curb our suggestions.

+1

My DC says, " heard, acknowledged, and disregarded."

😂

[Anonymous]

We learned that my FIL does this not to actually critique, but rather to spark conversation & fill empty spaces in the way he knows best, and because he wants to feel as if he has something to offer. No judgement and no real thought behind it-just throwing things out to see what sticks and if we bite, he beams. I wonder if this is the same situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We learned that my FIL does this not to actually critique, but rather to spark conversation & fill empty spaces in the way he knows best, and because he wants to feel as if he has something to offer. No judgement and no real thought behind it-just throwing things out to see what sticks and if we bite, he beams. I wonder if this is the same situation?

Op here. He is definitely judging. If you ignore him (which we do most of the time), he’ll bring it up again and again even years later. “The dryer is still not performing at top efficiency!” “Okay I’m just thinking about all the studies showing children do best when there are two siblings” (he never produced any). It’s nice to think he’s trying to spark conversation, but the truth is he monologues constantly. Thanks for sharing your nice interpretation!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We learned that my FIL does this not to actually critique, but rather to spark conversation & fill empty spaces in the way he knows best, and because he wants to feel as if he has something to offer. No judgement and no real thought behind it-just throwing things out to see what sticks and if we bite, he beams. I wonder if this is the same situation?

Op here. He is definitely judging. If you ignore him (which we do most of the time), he’ll bring it up again and again even years later. “The dryer is still not performing at top efficiency!” “Okay I’m just thinking about all the studies showing children do best when there are two siblings” (he never produced any). It’s nice to think he’s trying to spark conversation, but the truth is he monologues constantly. Thanks for sharing your nice interpretation!

Haha this made me LOL - it’s like a good callback at the end of a standup routine! Like how did *this* comment in particular end up being one that got repeated!? I now have probably the same questions you did the first time, and more

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have your husband set boundaries in advance. Let him know you both enjoy seeing him, but do not want his suggestions for the home unless specifically asked. It creates stress and you want to enjoy him. Unsolicited advice as a rule is rarely a good idea. but apparently he never learned.

That said if you say "thank you" and then something less direct you may reinforce it. Your husband's words need to convey love, but also make it crystal clear those comments are not welcome. No mixed messages or messages where he needs to read between the lines.

That’s good advice thank you! We definitely don’t enjoy his visits but I like him to feel welcome and loved despite… everything. I know he feels very lonely (probably justified due to his personality) and it’s nice for him to have a place where he feels loved even if we find him annoying. I really appreciate your comment on making sure he doesn’t have to read between the lines because he can’t do that. Thanks! Op

I don’t have any suggestions, OP. Just wanted to say that you are a good person, your DH sees this and I am sure he appreciates the effort you make.

[Anonymous]

LOL. This is also my father in law, but it's useful his "judgment" that something is very unsafe and that we must DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT IMMEDIATELY. He identifies it at the start of the visit and then harps on it until we do something about it. Last year it was new tires on my car. He literally made an appointment and took my car to the shop while he was in town. And no, he did not pay for it. I was irate.

[Anonymous]

Meant "usually" not "useful"

[Anonymous]

Aww. I think your FIL is either autistic or just unable to read the room. I think he believes he's genuinely trying to be helpful, albeit in a pretty compulsive and repetitive way. But could totally see how annoying that would be, especially if he kept bringing the same stuff up.

I don't have any advice though, sorry. I'd also be the type to be annoyed in the moment. I just happen to have a soft spot for it now because it reminds me of my dad, and he passed away, so all the things that were unbearable back then, I'm seeing through rose-colored glasses.

[Anonymous]

What if you said something like “I can only appreciate 5 critiques a day?” I have actually said a version of this to someone once. If was moderately effective.