Stuck between a rock and a hard place

[Anonymous]

I don't regret staying at work. I took off a few months to stay home, then paid a nanny share basically my whole salary for a few years.

Its very tough to be on your own with a kid all day. The first few years my DH worked weekends so I was "on" all weekend and I would be so relieved to go back to work on Mondays.

I also only had one kid - that makes it infinitely easier.

[Anonymous]

Staying home with kids in the early years is overrated. My vote is that you wait until the teen years. I'm not kidding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Staying home with kids in the early years is overrated. My vote is that you wait until the teen years. I'm not kidding.

On this thread, staying home isn’t overrated. Very few posters have credited with any value at all. I think different things work for different families, but it’s sad to see childcare reduced to a chore that ought to be outsourced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying home with kids in the early years is overrated. My vote is that you wait until the teen years. I'm not kidding.

On this thread, staying home isn’t overrated. Very few posters have credited with any value at all. I think different things work for different families, but it’s sad to see childcare reduced to a chore that ought to be outsourced.

While I’ve never SAH, I think it’s valuable. However, it is a personal, family decision. People like to impose their own decision tree on others. For us, having two income earners is the higher priority. For others, splitting the duties between income and home care is the higher priority. Neither is necessarily better or worse.

My fear of unemployment keeps me in the first category, plus I’m not a natural SAH type. Some of my friends are amazing at home and it works out well for them.

[Anonymous]

Stayed home for 3 months, then was able to find a convenient 12-month daycare that was good quality. This was not cheap, but it let me stay in the workforce. Also, I had a little flexibility on work hours, which helped a lot.

After the infant stage, being in all day weekday childcare had some additional benefits. They had a fenced play area with toys and a play structure, and went outside to play twice a day when it was dry. Our street does not have same age kids to play with, so this also provided good socialization with same age kids. They also introduced letters, numbers, and Phonics -- good for reading readiness. Lots of opportunity to trace shapes and color, which is fun and also helps build fine motor skills. At age 4, we switched kids to a 9-month preschool and also paid for "summer day camp". Many more summer "day camp" options exist locally starting at ages 4 and 5.

Even so, it would have been nice if I could have switched to half-time work or 3/4-time work until last child was in 1st grade. That would have given me more time to do "child care prep" like formula/milk bottles for the next day, lunches for the next day, and such like -- while all of my kids were still at daycare or elementary school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Raising children is temporary. Your career will be there when you go back.

It can be very tough to get back in the workforce after dropping out for 3 or more years. Obviously this varies both with type of job/career and with the specific employer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, as much as it really is great to SAHM, it's really really hard to get back to work. The women who have continued working do not understand your choice to stay home and some will even belittle you in some ways if they find out. After staying home, I've found that a lot of working mom are really angry and just stressed bc it's an impossible load.

It’s not like those women are peachy to work with or don’t belittle you if you stay on the workforce.

Every working mom has someone they work with that’s like the poster below you. “You should be able to give 100% and stay at work as long as needed because your partner should be picking up the slack and you should have overtime flexible childcare even if it costs more than you make!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying home with kids in the early years is overrated. My vote is that you wait until the teen years. I'm not kidding.

On this thread, staying home isn’t overrated. Very few posters have credited with any value at all. I think different things work for different families, but it’s sad to see childcare reduced to a chore that ought to be outsourced.

The truth is less than half the population value children - and the most undervalued members of our society are repeatedly put in charge of this ‘chore’ which is why it’s outsourced. When men start to care - its value will change. Men only care if it means they can feel bigger by supporting their “less than” wife and “less than” children- it makes the man feel important and big. BUT if children were very important we’d see much more men prioritizing them.

[Anonymous]

you absolutely need to stay connected to the workforce, even if it's part time. Like others I've seen how women are disadvantaged financially if they choose to SAHM for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think we need to know more about your industry/job to answer this question. If you're a teacher? Absolutely no problem to take a decade off to raise children and then come back. If you're a software engineer? Nearly impossible. In between? It depends...

I took off 3 years from my Software Engineering job to have my last kid. When I decided to go back, I was lucky that I interviewed with the Program Manager. He had been our project's student intern a few years before I left. 5 years later he was now a Program Manager.

Later, my former supervisor who had moved to a different company location in another state for 6 years wanted to come back to our location. I referred her to this same Program Manager and she got hired back in, keeping her pension vesting going.

We were both glad we had treated the interns well. A lesson learned from the old adage to be nice to the people on your way up because you're going to meet them on your way down.

In Software Engineering, even going to a program for over 5 years, means when you come up for air and need a new assignment, the industry has moved on so quickly that you have to rely on your reputation that you will be able to come up to speed with whatever new thing has come out while you were buried deep on an assignment that wasn't using new skills and technology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying home with kids in the early years is overrated. My vote is that you wait until the teen years. I'm not kidding.

On this thread, staying home isn’t overrated. Very few posters have credited with any value at all. I think different things work for different families, but it’s sad to see childcare reduced to a chore that ought to be outsourced.

The truth is less than half the population value children - and the most undervalued members of our society are repeatedly put in charge of this ‘chore’ which is why it’s outsourced. When men start to care - its value will change. Men only care if it means they can feel bigger by supporting their “less than” wife and “less than” children- it makes the man feel important and big. BUT if children were very important we’d see much more men prioritizing them.

Wait, your DH doesn’t value your children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying home with kids in the early years is overrated. My vote is that you wait until the teen years. I'm not kidding.

On this thread, staying home isn’t overrated. Very few posters have credited with any value at all. I think different things work for different families, but it’s sad to see childcare reduced to a chore that ought to be outsourced.

The truth is less than half the population value children - and the most undervalued members of our society are repeatedly put in charge of this ‘chore’ which is why it’s outsourced. When men start to care - its value will change. Men only care if it means they can feel bigger by supporting their “less than” wife and “less than” children- it makes the man feel important and big. BUT if children were very important we’d see much more men prioritizing them.

Wait, your DH doesn’t value your children?

Does your DH value time spent doing childcare more than time spent on his career, pp?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying home with kids in the early years is overrated. My vote is that you wait until the teen years. I'm not kidding.

On this thread, staying home isn’t overrated. Very few posters have credited with any value at all. I think different things work for different families, but it’s sad to see childcare reduced to a chore that ought to be outsourced.

The truth is less than half the population value children - and the most undervalued members of our society are repeatedly put in charge of this ‘chore’ which is why it’s outsourced. When men start to care - its value will change. Men only care if it means they can feel bigger by supporting their “less than” wife and “less than” children- it makes the man feel important and big. BUT if children were very important we’d see much more men prioritizing them.

Wait, your DH doesn’t value your children?

Does your DH value time spent doing childcare more than time spent on his career, pp?

Yes. My DH has a job. It pays well but it’s not his life. His family and friends are his real life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying home with kids in the early years is overrated. My vote is that you wait until the teen years. I'm not kidding.

On this thread, staying home isn’t overrated. Very few posters have credited with any value at all. I think different things work for different families, but it’s sad to see childcare reduced to a chore that ought to be outsourced.

The truth is less than half the population value children - and the most undervalued members of our society are repeatedly put in charge of this ‘chore’ which is why it’s outsourced. When men start to care - its value will change. Men only care if it means they can feel bigger by supporting their “less than” wife and “less than” children- it makes the man feel important and big. BUT if children were very important we’d see much more men prioritizing them.

Wait, your DH doesn’t value your children?

Society is not individuals. Are you stupid? My husband is a full partner in raising our kids. He took paternity leave, we split dip off/pick up, dinner etc. we both show up for every conference and school event. I got one of the men who thinks children are important - most don’t or we wouldn’t be where we are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying home with kids in the early years is overrated. My vote is that you wait until the teen years. I'm not kidding.

On this thread, staying home isn’t overrated. Very few posters have credited with any value at all. I think different things work for different families, but it’s sad to see childcare reduced to a chore that ought to be outsourced.

The truth is less than half the population value children - and the most undervalued members of our society are repeatedly put in charge of this ‘chore’ which is why it’s outsourced. When men start to care - its value will change. Men only care if it means they can feel bigger by supporting their “less than” wife and “less than” children- it makes the man feel important and big. BUT if children were very important we’d see much more men prioritizing them.

Wait, your DH doesn’t value your children?

Does your DH value time spent doing childcare more than time spent on his career, pp?

Yes! He sacrificed the high powered career to spend time with our kids. He showed up as a timer for every swim meet, cheered at every recital, and was there to help homework, dry tears, and host play dates. Same as me. We have 2 very good careers - but we stopped at mid management rather than senior leaders. I was considered HiPo when I was younger, but I sacrificed the extra mile for my kids, as did my husband.