WWYD: situation with nephew and his parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I could not just ignore my brother, then I would just tell him, “yes, we have two rooms that will be ready for them” and then move to another subject. But really, I cannot imagine staying on the phone (or bothering to answer) when someone like this called me. You can talk to him in a few weeks. Your brother presumably doesn’t even celebrate thanksgiving so you don’t need to call him that weekend.

You can blame the SA-ness of OP that she actually continues to have a familial relationship with her sibling and nephew for this. I am blaming how clueless (and lonely) she must be to put it on DCUM. Any SA friend IRL would have solved it in 5 seconds for her. But, I am not surprised that her family members give her instructions. She really sounds thick as a brick. She needs directions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Had a similar situation, but I'm the nephew. My sister wanted my then BF (now DH) to sleep in separate rooms because they wanted to set a good example to their then 10 and 4 yr old. I was 31 at the time.

I told my sister to tell their DD that when they are 30, making six figures and completely independent, they can make their own decisions about stuff like this. But, until then, they must follow their family's rules.

We slept in the same bed. And their DD basically lived with a bf when she was in her mid 20s. She's now married to a different man.

It's not really fair to expect children of immigrants who grew up in the US to follow the old country's values. It makes it harder for the younger person to try straddle both cultures.

That's not to say that children of immigrants should not have to follow their parent's values, but the parents also need to understand that your children, who grew up here, will absorb some western ideals and way of life.

FWIW, my family loves my DH. They think he's great.

My 2 cents.

You are SA?

[Anonymous]

I don't get the dilemma. I'm American born and my family does not accept unmarried people sharing a bed at a family event either

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I understand you come from a SA culture, and your brother still lives in the home country, the reality is that YOU live in the US, and your nephew and his girlfriend also live in the US. You can use whichever culture's norms work for you while you're in the US. I can't tell you what to do bc I don't know the specific dynamics between you and your brother. But I can tell you that people who don't live in my house, don't get to tell me how to run my home. I will do whatever I want.

But, you are not from SA culture because you would not care to host your 28 yr old nephew and his gf. So your 2 cents may not be as relevant for OP as you think. Of course, I am stereotyping your culture and a family-centric conservative SA culture.

What makes you think I wouldn't host my nephew and his girlfriend? I am not sure what culture you think I come from (beyond American), but I absolutely would. I would LOVE to get to know my nephews love interest. I'm always happy to be included in my nieces and nephews lives.

Because you did not say in your post above that you do host your nephew and his girlfriend. What you would LOVE to do is not what you DO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the dilemma. I'm American born and my family does not accept unmarried people sharing a bed at a family event either

Even if they are close to 30? That seems a bit.. puritanical.

-Asian American from an immigrant family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the dilemma. I'm American born and my family does not accept unmarried people sharing a bed at a family event either

Thank you.

And I am sure that your family does not think that your adult unmarried family members who have romantic partners are virgins. I am sure they assume that these people have a sexlife. It is still respectful to give seperate bedrooms to unmarried people. i am sure they will be fine without having sex for two days.

But, interestingly, the suggestion to - offer two rooms and leave it at that - did not even touch the issue of unmarried sex, or behavioral norms. It was a diplomatic win-win way to maintain peace in the family where clashes based on different cultures, family dynamics, generation gap, individual personalities can become stressful.

In other words - this was a nothing burger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the dilemma. I'm American born and my family does not accept unmarried people sharing a bed at a family event either

Even if they are close to 30? That seems a bit.. puritanical.

-Asian American from an immigrant family

My mother (white, American) required us to sleep in separate rooms when I was 26 and my then-fiancé was 35 because we weren’t married yet. It was dumb but we did it, her house her rules and all.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I'd tell my nephew privately that his dad has been calling me about this, but that you are fine with him and the girlfriend staying in the same room and let him work this one out.

Personally I think they separate room "rule" is really not something to get worked up about. My parents and my in-laws are fairly traditional (Catholic) and my husband and I never even considered asking to stay in the same room when visiting either set of parents prior to our marriage. It just wasn't something I cared about enough to upset the apple cart over it. Your nephew and his girlfriend may feel the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I'd tell my nephew privately that his dad has been calling me about this, but that you are fine with him and the girlfriend staying in the same room and let him work this one out.

Personally I think they separate room "rule" is really not something to get worked up about. My parents and my in-laws are fairly traditional (Catholic) and my husband and I never even considered asking to stay in the same room when visiting either set of parents prior to our marriage. It just wasn't something I cared about enough to upset the apple cart over it. Your nephew and his girlfriend may feel the same.

^^We were in our late 20's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd grey rock my brother on that one. Mention the conversation to your nephew and let him decide whether he wants to rock that boat or not.

Yeah! This does not work for SA families.

im sorry but its quite easy to greyrock over the phone. you should prepare 2 rooms like that Auntie said but im assuming your nephew has been to your house before so send your brother a picture of the 2 prepped rooms and when nephew arrives- just be like "you know where the guest rooms are- take whichever one you like!" and leave it at that. when your brother calls - just talk about other stuff and say you guys are super busy so you can't sneak in the hallway at midnight to check on people so he's just going to trust in the home training and values his wife and him instilled in their son at that point. tell him you were out when they leave and the housekeeper already cleaned the rooms.

the only way these toxic structures will change is if we change them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the dilemma. I'm American born and my family does not accept unmarried people sharing a bed at a family event either

Even if they are close to 30? That seems a bit.. puritanical.

-Asian American from an immigrant family

My mother (white, American) required us to sleep in separate rooms when I was 26 and my then-fiancé was 35 because we weren’t married yet. It was dumb but we did it, her house her rules and all.

It’s OP’s house, so it her rules, not the father calling in from Europe. OP has no problem with the unmarried adults sharing a room, so I think they should be allowed to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If you have two rooms available then you prepare two rooms for your guests. It is up to your nephew and gf to figure out what their sleeping arrangements that they will adhere to.

Do they want to have two seperate rooms or want one room? Up to them. You don't ask. You just show them the rooms that you have prepared.

If others ask - you provided two rooms. And then you don't talk about it anymore.

- South Asian aunty ji.

This precisely. And when brother calls you say of course I have two rooms ready.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all again. Two rooms it is!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would at least make sure your nephew knows that your brother is demanding they sleep in separate rooms. There could be consequences for him (e.g. financial cut off), if your brother finds out they shared a room.

That said, I would still offer whatever your nephew wants...and I would ask ahead of time to avoid awkwardness on the day or and in front of the GF.

This

[Anonymous]

What kind of parent has the energy to try to control the sleeping arrangements of their 28 year old child on another continent? I can't even imagine the cortisol levels OP's brother lives with.

I am not SA and as an American, if my brother did this I would probably call his wife and tell her to take him to the doctor.