Navigating adult friendships is confusing. Advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound too needy OP

She’s not too needy. Just normal, optimistic, & logical, which makes her unprepared to deal with typical contemporary women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound too needy OP

She’s not too needy. Just normal, optimistic, & logical, which makes her unprepared to deal with typical contemporary women.

Those who look down on contemporary women will not make friends amongst them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound too needy OP

This is not true.

I agree with the PP I can’t believe how many times OP has sent things with no response. And she continues doing it. I’d have that “friend” on mute in two seconds.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the DMV is the only place I’ve ever known where people wanting to connect with you/spend time with you is seen as an offense.

Want to connect is ok. But an insistent want is seen as a demand. The DMV is full of people juggling too many things. People are failing to meet demands at work and at home. They don’t need people who give them more demands they can’t meet.

So use your effing words. “Susie, I’m swamped at work but will resurface in a few weeks. Let’s touch base then about getting together! Xo”

Why do you care? You’re clearly too needy and demanding to be friends with them. The DMV is full of busy people who don’t get mad at others for having bigger priorities. Sometimes people have exceptionally big priorities. They’re not spending their time responding to every text.

Tell me you have no friends without telling me.

[Anonymous]

Nobody cares, she doesn’t care, you should not care. Stop caring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound too needy OP

This is not true.

I agree with the PP I can’t believe how many times OP has sent things with no response. And she continues doing it. I’d have that “friend” on mute in two seconds.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the DMV is the only place I’ve ever known where people wanting to connect with you/spend time with you is seen as an offense.

Want to connect is ok. But an insistent want is seen as a demand. The DMV is full of people juggling too many things. People are failing to meet demands at work and at home. They don’t need people who give them more demands they can’t meet.

So use your effing words. “Susie, I’m swamped at work but will resurface in a few weeks. Let’s touch base then about getting together! Xo”

Why do you care? You’re clearly too needy and demanding to be friends with them. The DMV is full of busy people who don’t get mad at others for having bigger priorities. Sometimes people have exceptionally big priorities. They’re not spending their time responding to every text.

Tell me you have no friends without telling me.

That’s a strange response. It’s the person who’s angry and exacting who has no friends. The person who accepts and connects with people as they are have, well, connections. Some connections become closer and closer and turn into, you guessed it, friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry for what you're going through. Adult friendships can be really confusing sometimes. Rather than wonder what's going on with her or distance yourself from the friendship, I would suggest gently trying to find out what's going on in the friendship with a text message that expresses your concern that things aren't as close as they used to be.

I would suggest in a few weeks texting something along the lines of: Hey, I've been thinking about you and noticing lately we haven't been texting as much as we used to. I just wanted to check in--is everything okay? I know things can come up so I'm happy to be a listening ear or support you in any way. If not, and things have just gotten busy for you--no worries. I will look forward to re-connecting when you are able to. If you have time to meet up for coffee in the next few weeks that would be great! I'm generally free Saturday mornings. Hope to connect with you soon!

I think the important thing here is that you don't want to distance yourself from the friendship too early without checking in with your friend. Checking in gives you important information. If she doesn't respond to your text, no answer is also an answer. If that happens I would probably match the energy she is putting in and focus my time on other friendships.

I also have a question: I have heard other women talking about sending each other memes by text. What is this all about? I have never sent a meme to anyone nor received a text meme, so I'm curious about that. What is the point of doing that? When I text friends/acquaintances I like to have actual conversations by text, so I'm wondering what's the point of sending memes? I don't get it.

I would not say "I notice you haven't been texting as much." Behavior is communication. She told you she got together with the other friend so she does have time. I remember back in the 90s people were told to confront every little thing verbally and get it out in the open and some people find that too much and too high maintenance. It may push her away completely to have to explain herself anytime she needs some distance. Friendships have normal cycles of more closeness, stepping back a little and returning. it's OK for her to prioritize another friendship sometimes. Maybe that friend is going through a hard time or they relate more. sometimes you just need a break from someone you consider a close friend, but you don't want to have to talk it out. Sometimes you know it isn't rational, but you think the distance will make your heart grow fonder again. Having to say "for some irrational reason I am not enjoying the friendship right now, but I do plan to come back" is not comfortable. OP have you every stepped back a little from a friendship for reasons you don't feel like explaining, but you still value the frienndship?

[Anonymous]

They aren't available. Try to accept that. Putting any effort into figuring out "the why" will just prolong the uneasiness you feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry for what you're going through. Adult friendships can be really confusing sometimes. Rather than wonder what's going on with her or distance yourself from the friendship, I would suggest gently trying to find out what's going on in the friendship with a text message that expresses your concern that things aren't as close as they used to be.

I would suggest in a few weeks texting something along the lines of: Hey, I've been thinking about you and noticing lately we haven't been texting as much as we used to. I just wanted to check in--is everything okay? I know things can come up so I'm happy to be a listening ear or support you in any way. If not, and things have just gotten busy for you--no worries. I will look forward to re-connecting when you are able to. If you have time to meet up for coffee in the next few weeks that would be great! I'm generally free Saturday mornings. Hope to connect with you soon!

I think the important thing here is that you don't want to distance yourself from the friendship too early without checking in with your friend. Checking in gives you important information. If she doesn't respond to your text, no answer is also an answer. If that happens I would probably match the energy she is putting in and focus my time on other friendships.

I also have a question: I have heard other women talking about sending each other memes by text. What is this all about? I have never sent a meme to anyone nor received a text meme, so I'm curious about that. What is the point of doing that? When I text friends/acquaintances I like to have actual conversations by text, so I'm wondering what's the point of sending memes? I don't get it.

I would not say "I notice you haven't been texting as much." Behavior is communication. She told you she got together with the other friend so she does have time. I remember back in the 90s people were told to confront every little thing verbally and get it out in the open and some people find that too much and too high maintenance. It may push her away completely to have to explain herself anytime she needs some distance. Friendships have normal cycles of more closeness, stepping back a little and returning. it's OK for her to prioritize another friendship sometimes. Maybe that friend is going through a hard time or they relate more. sometimes you just need a break from someone you consider a close friend, but you don't want to have to talk it out. Sometimes you know it isn't rational, but you think the distance will make your heart grow fonder again. Having to say "for some irrational reason I am not enjoying the friendship right now, but I do plan to come back" is not comfortable. OP have you every stepped back a little from a friendship for reasons you don't feel like explaining, but you still value the frienndship?

Although it does sound like the trip she’s doing is a family trip, so she may have time for family events, not mom events. Per your story, your daughters aren’t close. Maybe her daughter gets along well with her bestie’s daughter.

[Anonymous]

OP, That stings. It’s real. That back & forth brightens people’s days and then randomly it’s off.

Totally confusing.

Like others said it could be due to any number of things she has going on & isn’t ready to let many people know about it.

It could be the other friend turned up the hangs etc & your friend lost otherwise spare time.

I would try not to dwell on it.
I know that’s hard - because it stinks!

[Anonymous]

Idk, no advice as I’ve found it very hard even with old and deep friendships. It seems that sometimes people just move on. I tend to retreat and stop communicating when I am not getting much back for a consistent amount of time.

[Anonymous]

Back off and reach out later. I was an idiot and completely left a friend who needed me. She was down bad but I was overwhelmed by my own problems which in hindsight were far less serious than hers. It was during covid and I was in "retreat from the world mode". I literally forgot all about her, it was so stupid. I was 100% at fault but I wish she had prodded me to remind me she needed me or anything. My karma was not having her as a friend anymore and she was special in that really genuine non-judgmental type of way. Years later, I ended up friends with someone she had warned me about and the conversation never crossed my mind until I experienced the same and it hit me that I had been warned before! If only I had remained a true engaged friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Back off and reach out later. I was an idiot and completely left a friend who needed me. She was down bad but I was overwhelmed by my own problems which in hindsight were far less serious than hers. It was during covid and I was in "retreat from the world mode". I literally forgot all about her, it was so stupid. I was 100% at fault but I wish she had prodded me to remind me she needed me or anything. My karma was not having her as a friend anymore and she was special in that really genuine non-judgmental type of way. Years later, I ended up friends with someone she had warned me about and the conversation never crossed my mind until I experienced the same and it hit me that I had been warned before! If only I had remained a true engaged friend.

NP- But the friend was also not communicating it sounds like? Or was she and you didn't get back to her? These are difficult situations to read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Back off and reach out later. I was an idiot and completely left a friend who needed me. She was down bad but I was overwhelmed by my own problems which in hindsight were far less serious than hers. It was during covid and I was in "retreat from the world mode". I literally forgot all about her, it was so stupid. I was 100% at fault but I wish she had prodded me to remind me she needed me or anything. My karma was not having her as a friend anymore and she was special in that really genuine non-judgmental type of way. Years later, I ended up friends with someone she had warned me about and the conversation never crossed my mind until I experienced the same and it hit me that I had been warned before! If only I had remained a true engaged friend.

NP- But the friend was also not communicating it sounds like? Or was she and you didn't get back to her? These are difficult situations to read.

She reached out with a problem. I was at a family gathering out of state and said I'd reach out when possible, but I didn't so it was definitely my fault. Yes, she could have reached out again, I wish so much that she had so I could have been there for her. By the time I remembered, it felt awkward to reach out and I thought she might if she needed (which was dumb and cowardly because I felt awkward to reach out late). Well time dragged on to this point of no return. I think she might have had her own self conscious hesitations about reaching out again or was angry I never did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Back off and reach out later. I was an idiot and completely left a friend who needed me. She was down bad but I was overwhelmed by my own problems which in hindsight were far less serious than hers. It was during covid and I was in "retreat from the world mode". I literally forgot all about her, it was so stupid. I was 100% at fault but I wish she had prodded me to remind me she needed me or anything. My karma was not having her as a friend anymore and she was special in that really genuine non-judgmental type of way. Years later, I ended up friends with someone she had warned me about and the conversation never crossed my mind until I experienced the same and it hit me that I had been warned before! If only I had remained a true engaged friend.

NP- But the friend was also not communicating it sounds like? Or was she and you didn't get back to her? These are difficult situations to read.

She reached out with a problem. I was at a family gathering out of state and said I'd reach out when possible, but I didn't so it was definitely my fault. Yes, she could have reached out again, I wish so much that she had so I could have been there for her. By the time I remembered, it felt awkward to reach out and I thought she might if she needed (which was dumb and cowardly because I felt awkward to reach out late). Well time dragged on to this point of no return. I think she might have had her own self conscious hesitations about reaching out again or was angry I never did.

Oh, ty for clarifying. Yes, that makes sense. It's so hard when time passes too.

[Anonymous]

Let it go and wait for her to reach out again. Maybe she will.