Parents getting upset about any group invitation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d confront her directly. I heard you were upset at me for not inviting you. This was not an entire class invite. I’ve since invited you to 5 events you events you haven’t attended. You’ve never once invited my child anywhere so I would assume from that that you aren’t interested in being friends.

I get so angry at people who demand invites to everything but never once reciprocate or even help plan. And act pissy like they were invited last minute.

She doesn’t want to be your friend weirdo but your kids are taunting other kids and being jerks.

[Anonymous]

I would delete that moms number from my contacts. No one has time for that behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would delete that moms number from my contacts. No one has time for that behavior.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every now and then someone posts a similar problem to this and I wonder whether they're real. Who on earth would entertain a pouty adult who behaves this way? Unless it's the thread creator who is exaggerating the issue and the person who spoke up isn't actually all that dramatic?

I don't know. I'm middle aged, my kids are in college and high school, and I have never experienced any situation remotely like this.

This one seems different, assuming everything is true, because it is such a large group and I would agree that the complainer is odd.

But I have seen and experienced situations where someone in a small group passively aggressively excludes another member of the small group in such a manner. Sometimes it's unintentional. Sometimes it isn't. But either way it does happen and is a common issue in group dynamics.

The complainer is usually upset that nobody else in the group noticed or said anything. I would guess that in this situation it has happened before with one of the other moms and this incident just made the pattern noticeable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are unfailingly polite to all at school. We listen attentively to what others choose to share. We also don't talk about social events outside school during school events -- unless all within earshot were invited to the event. We respond to RSVP invitations, but our life is busy enough that we have to send regrets in most cases.

In short, our social life is not at DC's school. This whole thread seems so odd to us.

I find your use of the plural extremely odd. Are you reading and replying with your spouse looking over your shoulder?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know if someone you talk to only once every six months is giving you the silent treatment?

We see her at various sports and activities. When I say silent treatment, I mean I say hello and she doesn’t even respond.

She's the problem. Drop the rope and stop giving her so much control. She's controlling you with the silent treatment. If she chooses to ignore you let her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know if someone you talk to only once every six months is giving you the silent treatment?

We see her at various sports and activities. When I say silent treatment, I mean I say hello and she doesn’t even respond.

I can’t imagine caring about not being greeted by this loser mom. I’d stop saying hi too.

[Anonymous]

I would actually assume this issue is more complex than OP is letting on. Just based on my observations of similar situations at our own school. It doesn't mean it's nefarious or that OP is at fault, I would just guess that there are other factors at play that make the other mom's behavior make a little more sense.

OP saying that she and these other moms have been friends since their kids were babies and that they have their own friendship independent of the kids and the school is probably a major source of the issue. I get why this happens but it pretty much always causes problems. If it's just one or two families who know each other it's not a big thing, but when you get a to a group of moms that's like 5-10, or more, who have this pre-existing friendship, it becomes awkward. Those women will always talk to each other, and will also feel little value in making an effort with other families in the grade because they already have their friends. Their kids will often all be friends and will play together, which creates a similar dynamic among the kids. So then the kids of the other parents start coming home and talking about how there is this group of kids who all play together and dont' include others. Ideally the other kids will just start creating their own groups but the problem is that this requires the other kids not to become fixated on this existing group, whose familiarity with each other will bestow a kind of popular aura on them, and then the other kids will want to break into that group instead of creating their own. This is just a weird phenomenon of group dynamics that happens often whether you want it to or not.

So the existing friend group feels exclusionary even though it really shouldn't be a big deal that some people are already friends. It tilts the balance of power and creates all these little negative interactions for the people outside the group (both kids and adults). A kid will get upset they weren't invited to a birthday party because the group is talking about the party at school and everyone else feels left out. A mom will get the brush off at a PTA meeting when she tries to strike up a conversation with a member of the group, because that person just wants to chat with her existing friends. And these little moments build up and it becomes a thing. It's not exactly anyone's fault, it just happens. And the people in the friend group will roll their eyes and say "whatever, make your own friends, not everyone has to be invited." And this is 100% correct but it also ignores the fact that they are immune to the negative dynamics created by the existence of this groups, by virtue of being on the inside instead of the outside. A little empathy can go a long way there, but people don't always have the energy or motivation to practice it. So it all just compounds.

The good news is that this mostly goes away in middle school. Kids create their own friendships and parents are less involved in schools, so the friend group will just stop being an issue for the kids or the other parents. It's just these few years in K-5 where it can be a problem. I've seen it happen twice, once from the inside of the friend group and once from the outside, and it's annoying to people for a while and then doesn't matter anymore.

[Anonymous]

"Figuring out this situation" shouldn't be a thing. Don't make it a thing, for you. It shouldn't occupy your thoughts.

Some people create drama. Nothing will ever be good enough. Whether they know they are doing it, who knows.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, after she demanded to be included,
I would have intentionally not invited her. That isn’t how you make friends. I would include her child if my child was friends with them and asked, but otherwise no. She can plan her own events and invite who she wants

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's funny that OP admits to having side group chats with a few. We know this happens but usually people will deny deny and pretend they all showed up for ice cream or at the park spontaneously. OP is in a clique and other people noticed.

So? People are allowed to have friends. Where do the invitations stop? She cannot be expected to invite every parent at the school every time she wants to get together with anyone. This mom isn’t entitled to an invitation anymore than any other child’s parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny that OP admits to having side group chats with a few. We know this happens but usually people will deny deny and pretend they all showed up for ice cream or at the park spontaneously. OP is in a clique and other people noticed.

110 kids. Of course there will be groups of friends in a crowd that large.

So don't act surprised when people sometimes feel left out.

I would act surprised. I would never confront another parent for not inviting me to a personal gathering and demand I be included or my child included next time. How rude. No one gets invited to everything. It doesn’t matter if you hear about it or not- get a life and make your own gatherings. No one is owed an invitation to anything. If you didn’t get one, why would you force yourself on people? Do you own thing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny that OP admits to having side group chats with a few. We know this happens but usually people will deny deny and pretend they all showed up for ice cream or at the park spontaneously. OP is in a clique and other people noticed.

110 kids. Of course there will be groups of friends in a crowd that large.

So don't act surprised when people sometimes feel left out.

I would act surprised. I would never confront another parent for not inviting me to a personal gathering and demand I be included or my child included next time. How rude. No one gets invited to everything. It doesn’t matter if you hear about it or not- get a life and make your own gatherings. No one is owed an invitation to anything. If you didn’t get one, why would you force yourself on people? Do you own thing

Her kid wasn’t invited so she was upset and said something. If you don't like that stop talking about your events in front of others. Their rudeness was matched by your rudeness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny that OP admits to having side group chats with a few. We know this happens but usually people will deny deny and pretend they all showed up for ice cream or at the park spontaneously. OP is in a clique and other people noticed.

So? People are allowed to have friends. Where do the invitations stop? She cannot be expected to invite every parent at the school every time she wants to get together with anyone. This mom isn’t entitled to an invitation anymore than any other child’s parent.

You aren’t entitled to silence about events if word gets out. Who owes you that? Don’t like it then tell everyone to shut their traps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny that OP admits to having side group chats with a few. We know this happens but usually people will deny deny and pretend they all showed up for ice cream or at the park spontaneously. OP is in a clique and other people noticed.

110 kids. Of course there will be groups of friends in a crowd that large.

So don't act surprised when people sometimes feel left out.

I would act surprised. I would never confront another parent for not inviting me to a personal gathering and demand I be included or my child included next time. How rude. No one gets invited to everything. It doesn’t matter if you hear about it or not- get a life and make your own gatherings. No one is owed an invitation to anything. If you didn’t get one, why would you force yourself on people? Do you own thing

Her kid wasn’t invited so she was upset and said something. If you don't like that stop talking about your events in front of others. Their rudeness was matched by your rudeness.

Why was she upset? It was only 8 kids. Why is her kids owed an invitation but the other 100 kids at school weren’t. You can’t control what other people talk about it, but you can control how you behave. Asking to be invited to something is always rude and never ok, regardless of if you “heard” someone talking about the gathering