Subtle signs of emotional abuse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lundy Bancroft is the author everyone seems to read regarding abusive men, and he does have a book "Should I Stay or Should I Go?". OP might find it helpful. Probably better to read as an e-book so husband doesn't see it.

Frankly, I don't remember much about the book, because, once you're buying books like that one, you probably know it's time to go.

Last thing--not to sound paranoid, but a lot of therapists are terrible at understanding abuse. I dealt with multiple therapists around the time my marriage ended. Some totally got it. Others made the situation worse. So tread carefully.

The book is called “Why Does He Do That?”

[Anonymous]

Enough w the dated books and list writing.
Have a conversation with these lousy spouses on their actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Enough w the dated books and list writing.
Have a conversation with these lousy spouses on their actions.

This seems like a nice suggestion from someone who is not in an abusive relationship. The point is that conversation does not work with these men. They escalate, gaslight, and sometimes HURT OR KILL their partners when confronted. OP, I'm sorry you are going through this and hope you've found some solidarity on the thread. I echo that keeping a journal can be helpful - if only to remind yourself in the future of how bad things were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Enough w the dated books and list writing.
Have a conversation with these lousy spouses on their actions.

Lol.

Tried that the first few years of marriage w kids. He don’t care and hides at work or iPhone time more, or lashes out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Enough w the dated books and list writing.
Have a conversation with these lousy spouses on their actions.

This seems like a nice suggestion from someone who is not in an abusive relationship. The point is that conversation does not work with these men. They escalate, gaslight, and sometimes HURT OR KILL their partners when confronted. OP, I'm sorry you are going through this and hope you've found some solidarity on the thread. I echo that keeping a journal can be helpful - if only to remind yourself in the future of how bad things were.

OP back. It is very interesting how the thread was supportive before 5pm and not so much after. I wonder what's different about the audience.

Re hiding: We all know what he's doing but I didn't want to state it. Sometimes he's reading but most of the time he's not reading.

[Anonymous]

and I have found some helpful suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The danger of these online articles is that all of us, ALL OF US, exhibit these characteristics. Anyone who claims to be blameless is a special kind of toxic. So if you look at your spouse, over a several-decade relationship, you'll see "subtle signs" of all kinds of dysfunction, because humans are all dysfunctional, flawed creatures. DARVO took over gaslighting as the diagnosis du jour, but the truth is that everyone gaslights sometimes, everyone has DARVO'd and will likely DARVO again.

What makes these things problems isn't the single issue or occasional presence of some of these characteristics. "Emotional abuse" is a long-term pattern of consistent behaviors, not being wrong/stupid/a jerk once. There has to be more to it than that, otherwise we're all "emotional abusers" and the whole idea loses meaning.

So while it's tempting to look at your spouse's behaviors and try to categorize them as THE dysfunction in your relationship, the more mature thing to ask is "where do I do this same thing?" Remember the old adage about pointing the finger, and how many fingers point back at you when you do. Then keep in mind that the only person you control is yourself, so there's not really much point in trying to label or blame others. If you're unhappy, leave. If you're honest enough to recognize your part in the problem (and 99% of the time, you have one), simply get about the business of adjusting your own behavior(s) and see what happens.

Posting one-sided stories on DCUM and asking strangers to validate your non-medical evaluation of a person they don't know is... a special kind of sick, honestly.

Lol

Patterns are patterns. Know your truth.

I emailed myself at a separate account everytime he did this.

It’s disgusting to read that inbox.

The abuser really tried to isolate you as well. From friends and family. It could be their maladaptive cope to attempt to forget about their constant mistakes and poor comms, it could be deliberate, it could be both.

Of course all of us do these things now and then. But I think in an abusive relationship you know who the antagonizer is and who holds the power …that’s how you know it’s abusive.
In terms of both parties contributing to dysfunction? The only contribution from the victim is typically tolerating the treatment for far too long. Nothing justifies being treated this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The danger of these online articles is that all of us, ALL OF US, exhibit these characteristics. Anyone who claims to be blameless is a special kind of toxic. So if you look at your spouse, over a several-decade relationship, you'll see "subtle signs" of all kinds of dysfunction, because humans are all dysfunctional, flawed creatures. DARVO took over gaslighting as the diagnosis du jour, but the truth is that everyone gaslights sometimes, everyone has DARVO'd and will likely DARVO again.

What makes these things problems isn't the single issue or occasional presence of some of these characteristics. "Emotional abuse" is a long-term pattern of consistent behaviors, not being wrong/stupid/a jerk once. There has to be more to it than that, otherwise we're all "emotional abusers" and the whole idea loses meaning.

So while it's tempting to look at your spouse's behaviors and try to categorize them as THE dysfunction in your relationship, the more mature thing to ask is "where do I do this same thing?" Remember the old adage about pointing the finger, and how many fingers point back at you when you do. Then keep in mind that the only person you control is yourself, so there's not really much point in trying to label or blame others. If you're unhappy, leave. If you're honest enough to recognize your part in the problem (and 99% of the time, you have one), simply get about the business of adjusting your own behavior(s) and see what happens.

Posting one-sided stories on DCUM and asking strangers to validate your non-medical evaluation of a person they don't know is... a special kind of sick, honestly.

Lol

Patterns are patterns. Know your truth.

I emailed myself at a separate account everytime he did this.

It’s disgusting to read that inbox.

The abuser really tried to isolate you as well. From friends and family. It could be their maladaptive cope to attempt to forget about their constant mistakes and poor comms, it could be deliberate, it could be both.

Of course all of us do these things now and then. But I think in an abusive relationship you know who the antagonizer is and who holds the power …that’s how you know it’s abusive.
In terms of both parties contributing to dysfunction? The only contribution from the victim is typically tolerating the treatment for far too long. Nothing justifies being treated this way.

Nothing justifies being treated this way, but a LOT of things contribute to being treated this way, including staying in proximity. You're not responsible for someone else's actions or behavior, but you are responsible for your own.

Very few people in bad relationships are pure "victims". Many people in bad relationships frame themselves as pure victims and throw their agency away. Looking at your own part in the dysfunction is critical to changing the situation, including making the decision to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Enough w the dated books and list writing.
Have a conversation with these lousy spouses on their actions.

Lol.

Tried that the first few years of marriage w kids. He don’t care and hides at work or iPhone time more, or lashes out.

Exactly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Enough w the dated books and list writing.
Have a conversation with these lousy spouses on their actions.

This seems like a nice suggestion from someone who is not in an abusive relationship. The point is that conversation does not work with these men. They escalate, gaslight, and sometimes HURT OR KILL their partners when confronted. OP, I'm sorry you are going through this and hope you've found some solidarity on the thread. I echo that keeping a journal can be helpful - if only to remind yourself in the future of how bad things were.

OP back. It is very interesting how the thread was supportive before 5pm and not so much after. I wonder what's different about the audience.

Re hiding: We all know what he's doing but I didn't want to state it. Sometimes he's reading but most of the time he's not reading.

If you’re a vulnerable woman writing about challenging relationship situations, the most thoughtful advice always seems to come from the morning-at-the-office crowd. 5 pm through the middle of the night seems to attract some pretty mean, angry people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Enough w the dated books and list writing.
Have a conversation with these lousy spouses on their actions.

This seems like a nice suggestion from someone who is not in an abusive relationship. The point is that conversation does not work with these men. They escalate, gaslight, and sometimes HURT OR KILL their partners when confronted. OP, I'm sorry you are going through this and hope you've found some solidarity on the thread. I echo that keeping a journal can be helpful - if only to remind yourself in the future of how bad things were.

I confronted my abusive exDH after more years than I want to admit and after promising myself I wouldn’t so he wouldn’t turn on the kids. He immediately turned on the kids once I did so- literally that the same day. DC #1 stood up for themselves. DH moved out the next day and then filed for divorce.

It has not been pretty since then and I don’t know which path would have been safer for my kids. I do know that there is a kind of abuser that doubles down on their abuse when a mirror is held up to them and they see what they have done, and when the abuse isn’t tolerated they push it from person to person until they run out of victims.

[Anonymous]

They have no shame.

That word is N/A here and don’t let any therapist or clergyman pretend a narc’s “shame” is driving their constant and escalating abuse.

They stopped having shame long long ago as a child, when they realized insider bullying was effective at dealing with any issue.