Dating must-haves, wish lists and dealbreakers

[Anonymous]

When I was younger (HS and college), I was one of those girls who truly believed in true love, love at first sight, and a soulmate. I felt like I could always compromise on other things as long as I loved that person, but my mom gave me a huge reality check after college.

By the time I was 24, I wanted to get married but I felt like I couldn't find my soulmate. I talked about it with my mom and she told me what I should've already known, that most people marry people they are most compatible with mostly out of convenience and not true love. It honestly broke me and I felt sad about it for a while.

But, thankfully I met my husband just a year later, and I've truly loved him from the first moment so it all worked out. We have four daughters now and they are still young (12 & under) but if they are as innocent as I was, I wouldn't shatter their fantasy because it could come true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was younger (HS and college), I was one of those girls who truly believed in true love, love at first sight, and a soulmate. I felt like I could always compromise on other things as long as I loved that person, but my mom gave me a huge reality check after college.

By the time I was 24, I wanted to get married but I felt like I couldn't find my soulmate. I talked about it with my mom and she told me what I should've already known, that most people marry people they are most compatible with mostly out of convenience and not true love. It honestly broke me and I felt sad about it for a while.

But, thankfully I met my husband just a year later, and I've truly loved him from the first moment so it all worked out. We have four daughters now and they are still young (12 & under) but if they are as innocent as I was, I wouldn't shatter their fantasy because it could come true.

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 40F, divorced, 2 kids. I’ve found the older I get, the longer my list of requirements gets.

At this point in my life I basically expect princess treatment:

- He must plan and pay for dates
- He must make my life easier. For example, if I’m having a rough day with the kids, he should DoorDash us food.
- Must be a gentleman: open doors for me, pick me up, look nice for me.
- Salary is less important since I’m not looking to get married anytime soon, and won’t have anymore kids, but I expect him to make enough to pay for dates and trips.
- Must be attractive.
- Must be interesting. I’m not going to have anything in common with a middle manager who plays video games in his spare time.
- Absolutely no socially awkward men. I need someone I can bring around friends and to work functions.

Basically, a man must make my life significantly better and easier.

Marriage is a whole other thing, but he would have to be extremely rich and no kids. The only real benefit of marriage for me at this point is if it leads to large amounts of wealth for myself and my kids.

I'm not trying to be unkind but what are you offering other than aging body, someone else's kids, hunger for wealth, attitude and expectations?

For a lot of men, I don't have much to offer them. I don't want to cook for them, clean up after them, or have their kids, and a huge number of men aren't interested in me (I literally once had a man reject me because I told him I would not make him a sandwich). Which is fine, I am not interested in men who want a mommy.

The men who *are* attracted to me generally say this about me:

- They've found most women have little ambition, and the majority just want to be SAHMs, which is very unattractive to them (I am highly ambitious and make more than most women and men)
- I'm one of the few women they've met who can hold a conversation, especially at social events, and not embarrass them.
- I love to travel and because of my flexible work schedule, I can go on trips with them
- I actually don't like standard dates (dinner/drinks) and would rather do something fun like going to a State Fair and risking our lives on the carnival rides.
- I like sex, a LOT.

Like I said, I'm not a good match for standard men who are looking for a replacement mom. But there are enough men out there who fit my list of requirements and who are interested that I don't stay single for very long. But even if there weren't, I don't care. Being single is infinitely better than being with a man who makes life harder, which most do.

"They've found most women have little ambition, and the majority just want to be SAHMs, which is very unattractive to them"

Do you know how many single women have raised extraordinary men? Your statement is absurd.
Women make less than men because of Republicans. Women will now not be able to get jobs ie Project 2025 much less get paid a living wage.

And men want twinkies in their 20's while they get bald and fat .....

PP. I *am* a single mom, LOL.

This is what men the men I date have told me. That younger women without kids are just sort of waiting for a man to swoop in and make her a SAHM. They like me because I make my own money and don’t need rescuing.

I’m liberal, so no need to preach to me on republicans. That’s one more reason why I am so reluctant to get married, and I won’t unless the man has absurd amounts of money to offer. Otherwise marriage is just not worth the risk.

NP: The bolded is a red flag and probably not for the reasons you think. That sentiment is not a tribute to how great we are that we have been ambitious and have successful careers and made money, and it's not about SAHM or WOHM or never a mom. It's a red flag for single, successful women -- look closely at what that guy is rejecting and valuing. What he wants and does not want. This is a guy for a one night stand or short term fling, not a long term relationship. The moment you have a need, he is gone. And you will have needs someday. He does not want to be responsible for other people, he just wants to have fun and be free to move on. This kind of guy is a bit of a trap for successful women, and I've seen a lot of them dumped by such guys in this town the moment life gets serious -- breast cancer, disabled or troubled child, job loss, chronic illness, family crisis where you are needed, etc. These guys bolt. More often than not, they are already married too.

Also they are lying to you when they say "most women they meet just want to be a SAHM" -- not if they are dating in this town. They are saying that to you because you let them know you look down on SAHMs, and they are flattering you. Chances are high that if that guy gets married, he will actually be OK with a SAHM, or not -- or he already did, and you are an AP and don't know it.

PP. This is inaccurate. I have never said I look down on SAHMs. I was a SAHM for many years until I got divorced, and I am very vocal that I believe SAHMs should be paid a salary and get lots of time off from kids.

As for my needs - yes, I expect men to meet my needs. See my previous list of requirements. But reality is, most men, no matter who you are or who they are, aren’t gonna meet your needs. Most men don’t stick around for breast cancer or disabled kids. And there’s no real way to screen for that. Nobody knows what their partner will do until they are in that situation. I’ve seen men who I thought were highly devoted bail when things got tough.

It’s really not that complicated. I make my own money because I enjoy it. I date men who treat me well because I enjoy it. I don’t plan on remarrying because I have kids, so dating is for fun, not forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 40F, divorced, 2 kids. I’ve found the older I get, the longer my list of requirements gets.

At this point in my life I basically expect princess treatment:

- He must plan and pay for dates
- He must make my life easier. For example, if I’m having a rough day with the kids, he should DoorDash us food.
- Must be a gentleman: open doors for me, pick me up, look nice for me.
- Salary is less important since I’m not looking to get married anytime soon, and won’t have anymore kids, but I expect him to make enough to pay for dates and trips.
- Must be attractive.
- Must be interesting. I’m not going to have anything in common with a middle manager who plays video games in his spare time.
- Absolutely no socially awkward men. I need someone I can bring around friends and to work functions.

Basically, a man must make my life significantly better and easier.

Marriage is a whole other thing, but he would have to be extremely rich and no kids. The only real benefit of marriage for me at this point is if it leads to large amounts of wealth for myself and my kids.

Uhh, lady, your ship has sailed. Youre damaged goods. You get precisley zero demands.

*shrug* It’s worked well for me so far. I’ve had zero issues attracting men who fit my criteria. And everything on my list is pretty standard - has a good job, workout, have hobbies beyond video games, be a gentleman, know how to plan a date. It says more about the state of men nowadays that you think that kind of man is exceptional and rare. Those things are really bare minimum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was younger (HS and college), I was one of those girls who truly believed in true love, love at first sight, and a soulmate. I felt like I could always compromise on other things as long as I loved that person, but my mom gave me a huge reality check after college.

By the time I was 24, I wanted to get married but I felt like I couldn't find my soulmate. I talked about it with my mom and she told me what I should've already known, that most people marry people they are most compatible with mostly out of convenience and not true love. It honestly broke me and I felt sad about it for a while.

But, thankfully I met my husband just a year later, and I've truly loved him from the first moment so it all worked out. We have four daughters now and they are still young (12 & under) but if they are as innocent as I was, I wouldn't shatter their fantasy because it could come true.

No.

Yes, and there was a lot that I had to accept that I didn't think would be what I would go with before I started looking to get married.

The biggest was his age (12 years older), but that didn't stop me from loving him and I really felt like nothing could.

[Anonymous]

I have to say, from the perspective of a guy in his 40's who is tall and makes a good salary (since that's important here) that PP with the list for men doesn't sound that bad.

I'm happily married but if something happened about the only off-putting thing is the part about spending on her kids. If she makes as much as she claims she should be able to do that herself. Also the Doordash thing...I might go get the food myself but I'm careful financially and refuse to pay Doordash fees on top of everything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most people are delusional with over inflated sense of self worth and value.

True.

Science is real:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunning%E2%80%93Kruger_effect

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6-6-6-6.

Total myth

It must be hard for you, living in fantasy-land:

https://wror.com/2024/09/17/single-women-are-using-the-new-6-6-6-dating-rule/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 40F, divorced, 2 kids. I’ve found the older I get, the longer my list of requirements gets.

At this point in my life I basically expect princess treatment:

- He must plan and pay for dates
- He must make my life easier. For example, if I’m having a rough day with the kids, he should DoorDash us food.
- Must be a gentleman: open doors for me, pick me up, look nice for me.
- Salary is less important since I’m not looking to get married anytime soon, and won’t have anymore kids, but I expect him to make enough to pay for dates and trips.
- Must be attractive.
- Must be interesting. I’m not going to have anything in common with a middle manager who plays video games in his spare time.
- Absolutely no socially awkward men. I need someone I can bring around friends and to work functions.

Basically, a man must make my life significantly better and easier.

Marriage is a whole other thing, but he would have to be extremely rich and no kids. The only real benefit of marriage for me at this point is if it leads to large amounts of wealth for myself and my kids.

I'm not trying to be unkind but what are you offering other than aging body, someone else's kids, hunger for wealth, attitude and expectations?

For a lot of men, I don't have much to offer them. I don't want to cook for them, clean up after them, or have their kids, and a huge number of men aren't interested in me (I literally once had a man reject me because I told him I would not make him a sandwich). Which is fine, I am not interested in men who want a mommy.

The men who *are* attracted to me generally say this about me:

- They've found most women have little ambition, and the majority just want to be SAHMs, which is very unattractive to them (I am highly ambitious and make more than most women and men)
- I'm one of the few women they've met who can hold a conversation, especially at social events, and not embarrass them.
- I love to travel and because of my flexible work schedule, I can go on trips with them
- I actually don't like standard dates (dinner/drinks) and would rather do something fun like going to a State Fair and risking our lives on the carnival rides.
- I like sex, a LOT.

Like I said, I'm not a good match for standard men who are looking for a replacement mom. But there are enough men out there who fit my list of requirements and who are interested that I don't stay single for very long. But even if there weren't, I don't care. Being single is infinitely better than being with a man who makes life harder, which most do.

So you're pretty standard with a high sex drive. Of course many men are going to be interested, considering that you're not looking for anything serious. BTW, most women can hold a conversation. But, of course, like most on DCUM, you have an inflated sense of yourself.

I’m just repeating what I’ve been told.

Weird that people are so triggered by a woman with kids who has standards and *gasp* actually finds men who meet them. Sounds like my perception of my self-worth is accurate - I don’t have any trouble finding men who fit my requirements.

Babes, you give them sex have minimal expectations of them and accept cheap dates. It's not a mystery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 40F, divorced, 2 kids. I’ve found the older I get, the longer my list of requirements gets.

At this point in my life I basically expect princess treatment:

- He must plan and pay for dates
- He must make my life easier. For example, if I’m having a rough day with the kids, he should DoorDash us food.
- Must be a gentleman: open doors for me, pick me up, look nice for me.
- Salary is less important since I’m not looking to get married anytime soon, and won’t have anymore kids, but I expect him to make enough to pay for dates and trips.
- Must be attractive.
- Must be interesting. I’m not going to have anything in common with a middle manager who plays video games in his spare time.
- Absolutely no socially awkward men. I need someone I can bring around friends and to work functions.

Basically, a man must make my life significantly better and easier.

Marriage is a whole other thing, but he would have to be extremely rich and no kids. The only real benefit of marriage for me at this point is if it leads to large amounts of wealth for myself and my kids.

I'm not trying to be unkind but what are you offering other than aging body, someone else's kids, hunger for wealth, attitude and expectations?

For a lot of men, I don't have much to offer them. I don't want to cook for them, clean up after them, or have their kids, and a huge number of men aren't interested in me (I literally once had a man reject me because I told him I would not make him a sandwich). Which is fine, I am not interested in men who want a mommy.

The men who *are* attracted to me generally say this about me:

- They've found most women have little ambition, and the majority just want to be SAHMs, which is very unattractive to them (I am highly ambitious and make more than most women and men)
- I'm one of the few women they've met who can hold a conversation, especially at social events, and not embarrass them.
- I love to travel and because of my flexible work schedule, I can go on trips with them
- I actually don't like standard dates (dinner/drinks) and would rather do something fun like going to a State Fair and risking our lives on the carnival rides.
- I like sex, a LOT.

Like I said, I'm not a good match for standard men who are looking for a replacement mom. But there are enough men out there who fit my list of requirements and who are interested that I don't stay single for very long. But even if there weren't, I don't care. Being single is infinitely better than being with a man who makes life harder, which most do.

It is kind of ironic that you don't want to be a replacement mom but you are looking for a replacement dad. You want someone who will pay for things for you etc. Which is no different than a man wanting a woman to cook or clean for him.

[Anonymous]

Funny
Smart
Over 5’9
Liberal
Reads
Likes to go out to dinner
Fit, no gut

[Anonymous]

My only must-haves were can’t believe in god and must be a feminist. Hilarious because that’s what I believed I was marrying, but 22 years in, he has become a conservative nutter. Take your list and throw it out the window.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of these posts about relationship incompatibilities like the one on early birds and night owls and vegetarians/vegans and meat eaters are really eye-opening. People want to find someone they are attracted to, similar values, available, feel the same about kids or not kids, and more but then there are these more lifestyle issues like sleep schedules, approach to food, approach to fitness.

I feel like the list of what many people will not compromise for is really long. How many people who meet your criteria are you actually meeting? I just can't believe there are that many people that would generate that spark who also happen to be compatible in all these other ways. Am I wrong?

And people wonder why so many women are single and why men have dropped out of the dating world entirely because of how women have become.

A lot of men aren’t dropping out they just become passport bros and find a foreign wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 40F, divorced, 2 kids. I’ve found the older I get, the longer my list of requirements gets.

At this point in my life I basically expect princess treatment:

- He must plan and pay for dates
- He must make my life easier. For example, if I’m having a rough day with the kids, he should DoorDash us food.
- Must be a gentleman: open doors for me, pick me up, look nice for me.
- Salary is less important since I’m not looking to get married anytime soon, and won’t have anymore kids, but I expect him to make enough to pay for dates and trips.
- Must be attractive.
- Must be interesting. I’m not going to have anything in common with a middle manager who plays video games in his spare time.
- Absolutely no socially awkward men. I need someone I can bring around friends and to work functions.

Basically, a man must make my life significantly better and easier.

Marriage is a whole other thing, but he would have to be extremely rich and no kids. The only real benefit of marriage for me at this point is if it leads to large amounts of wealth for myself and my kids.

I'm not trying to be unkind but what are you offering other than aging body, someone else's kids, hunger for wealth, attitude and expectations?

For a lot of men, I don't have much to offer them. I don't want to cook for them, clean up after them, or have their kids, and a huge number of men aren't interested in me (I literally once had a man reject me because I told him I would not make him a sandwich). Which is fine, I am not interested in men who want a mommy.

The men who *are* attracted to me generally say this about me:

- They've found most women have little ambition, and the majority just want to be SAHMs, which is very unattractive to them (I am highly ambitious and make more than most women and men)
- I'm one of the few women they've met who can hold a conversation, especially at social events, and not embarrass them.
- I love to travel and because of my flexible work schedule, I can go on trips with them
- I actually don't like standard dates (dinner/drinks) and would rather do something fun like going to a State Fair and risking our lives on the carnival rides.
- I like sex, a LOT.

Like I said, I'm not a good match for standard men who are looking for a replacement mom. But there are enough men out there who fit my list of requirements and who are interested that I don't stay single for very long. But even if there weren't, I don't care. Being single is infinitely better than being with a man who makes life harder, which most do.

So you're pretty standard with a high sex drive. Of course many men are going to be interested, considering that you're not looking for anything serious. BTW, most women can hold a conversation. But, of course, like most on DCUM, you have an inflated sense of yourself.

I’m just repeating what I’ve been told.

Weird that people are so triggered by a woman with kids who has standards and *gasp* actually finds men who meet them. Sounds like my perception of my self-worth is accurate - I don’t have any trouble finding men who fit my requirements.

Babes, you give them sex have minimal expectations of them and accept cheap dates. It's not a mystery.

Gotta re-read the list, bc it's definitely not minimal expectations or cheap dates. We travel at least twice a month on his dime and he gets dinner for me (and often my kids) 3-4x a week.

Tho it's very funny things flipped from "you have delusions of grandeur" to "you have minimal expectations". DCUM, make up your mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My only must-haves were can’t believe in god and must be a feminist. Hilarious because that’s what I believed I was marrying, but 22 years in, he has become a conservative nutter. Take your list and throw it out the window.

He's probably tired of your nonsense (and being labeled as the enemy) and just overcorrected. He'll probably moderate when he gets rid of you.