Need an outside perspective

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He was nice enough to do dishes.

He made a mistake.

You acted like he did it on purpose.

He got defensive.

You got defensive.

Should have…

Did u clean the pot?
Yes.

Omg I made stock for dinner and it was cooling in the broth. (You don’t assume he knows)

Then he should be like holy sh!t, sorry.

Then you can be sad /bummed/etc but move on.

To clarify, he strained the bones and meat out and saved those. Just threw out all the broth. I think he assumes I was just cooking the bones and meat and not intending to keep the stock.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I’m over the stock, I was mad earlier but I’m not mad about it anymore.

I just want to know how I should approach this with my husband because this is a problematic pattern we keep repeating that I would like to stop from happening again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I’m over the stock, I was mad earlier but I’m not mad about it anymore.

I just want to know how I should approach this with my husband because this is a problematic pattern we keep repeating that I would like to stop from happening again.

Marriage counseling.

It is good you see a pattern but you don’t necessarily have the skills to resolve it with just internet help.

[Anonymous]

Op again. I would also like to know if I need to modify my behavior.

Maybe I should have taken a breather before commenting about the stock and thought about how to approach it more gingerly and without placing blame?

Honestly that would be hard for me, but if that’s what’s necessary, I can work on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. I would also like to know if I need to modify my behavior.

Maybe I should have taken a breather before commenting about the stock and thought about how to approach it more gingerly and without placing blame?

Honestly that would be hard for me, but if that’s what’s necessary, I can work on it.

Well you are the one who was there and it seems you think you need to take a breather.

The way you initially presented this made your DH sound like a psychopath. We don't have his side of the story. You guys probably need counseling.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thinking about this more, his reaction is similar to my son’s reaction when he makes a mistake. And that helps me have a little bit more compassion.

When my son accidentally breaks something or hurts me or whatever, he automatically starts blaming me and yelling at me saying it was my fault, even when I don’t even say anything.

I guess it is sort of a defensive reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again. I would also like to know if I need to modify my behavior.

Maybe I should have taken a breather before commenting about the stock and thought about how to approach it more gingerly and without placing blame?

Honestly that would be hard for me, but if that’s what’s necessary, I can work on it.

Well you are the one who was there and it seems you think you need to take a breather.

The way you initially presented this made your DH sound like a psychopath. We don't have his side of the story. You guys probably need counseling.

I made a pretty loud and audible gasp. And I said “why did you throw out the broth?!” And I said it pretty immediately as a reaction after seeing the empty pot with just the bones in it.

That is just my normal unfiltered reaction. And I’m wondering if I need to stop myself before putting out the “unfiltered” version of my response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I just want to know, was there something wrong with the way I reacted? Am I in the wrong in any way? Do I have some accountability in this interaction?

I feel like I had a normal reaction given the mistake.

Was I supposed to react differently?

OMFG, this is so pathetic. Yes, obviously, the reaction you completely nerfed to one innocent sentence was at least somewhat wrong. Do you have some accountability? Yes, you do. You're half this equation. Quit trying to downplay/negate your own involvement. Nobody intelligent is buying this story you're trying to sell, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I’m over the stock, I was mad earlier but I’m not mad about it anymore.

I just want to know how I should approach this with my husband because this is a problematic pattern we keep repeating that I would like to stop from happening again.

maybe start with being honest about your part in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again. I would also like to know if I need to modify my behavior.

Maybe I should have taken a breather before commenting about the stock and thought about how to approach it more gingerly and without placing blame?

Honestly that would be hard for me, but if that’s what’s necessary, I can work on it.

Well you are the one who was there and it seems you think you need to take a breather.

The way you initially presented this made your DH sound like a psychopath. We don't have his side of the story. You guys probably need counseling.

I made a pretty loud and audible gasp. And I said “why did you throw out the broth?!” And I said it pretty immediately as a reaction after seeing the empty pot with just the bones in it.

That is just my normal unfiltered reaction. And I’m wondering if I need to stop myself before putting out the “unfiltered” version of my response.

You need to look up the difference between "reacting" and "responding". Because you (over)reacted.

That thing you're contemplating doing, where you pause a beat/breathe and then respond? That's a response. You're an adult now, so if you haven't learned the difference, you've probably (over)reacted a LOT, and may even have a lengthy history and pattern of (over)reacting. A few sessions with a therapist to help you understand the difference and practice responding instead might be a great place to start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again. I would also like to know if I need to modify my behavior.

Maybe I should have taken a breather before commenting about the stock and thought about how to approach it more gingerly and without placing blame?

Honestly that would be hard for me, but if that’s what’s necessary, I can work on it.

Well you are the one who was there and it seems you think you need to take a breather.

The way you initially presented this made your DH sound like a psychopath. We don't have his side of the story. You guys probably need counseling.

I made a pretty loud and audible gasp. And I said “why did you throw out the broth?!” And I said it pretty immediately as a reaction after seeing the empty pot with just the bones in it.

That is just my normal unfiltered reaction. And I’m wondering if I need to stop myself before putting out the “unfiltered” version of my response.

You need to look up the difference between "reacting" and "responding". Because you (over)reacted.

That thing you're contemplating doing, where you pause a beat/breathe and then respond? That's a response. You're an adult now, so if you haven't learned the difference, you've probably (over)reacted a LOT, and may even have a lengthy history and pattern of (over)reacting. A few sessions with a therapist to help you understand the difference and practice responding instead might be a great place to start.

And then you'll know better and you can teach your kid better. Maybe your husband can learn to do better if/when he sees you doing better, too (but that's outside your control).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again. I would also like to know if I need to modify my behavior.

Maybe I should have taken a breather before commenting about the stock and thought about how to approach it more gingerly and without placing blame?

Honestly that would be hard for me, but if that’s what’s necessary, I can work on it.

Well you are the one who was there and it seems you think you need to take a breather.

The way you initially presented this made your DH sound like a psychopath. We don't have his side of the story. You guys probably need counseling.

I made a pretty loud and audible gasp. And I said “why did you throw out the broth?!” And I said it pretty immediately as a reaction after seeing the empty pot with just the bones in it.

That is just my normal unfiltered reaction. And I’m wondering if I need to stop myself before putting out the “unfiltered” version of my response.

You need to look up the difference between "reacting" and "responding". Because you (over)reacted.

That thing you're contemplating doing, where you pause a beat/breathe and then respond? That's a response. You're an adult now, so if you haven't learned the difference, you've probably (over)reacted a LOT, and may even have a lengthy history and pattern of (over)reacting. A few sessions with a therapist to help you understand the difference and practice responding instead might be a great place to start.

Ok, that’s something I can definitely work on.

Also, I think my husband is sensitive to criticism because his dad was such a jerk to him growing up. Super critical, cursing him out after making a bad play in little league, beating him for getting less than straight A pluses, calling him stupid, calling him names, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again. I would also like to know if I need to modify my behavior.

Maybe I should have taken a breather before commenting about the stock and thought about how to approach it more gingerly and without placing blame?

Honestly that would be hard for me, but if that’s what’s necessary, I can work on it.

Well you are the one who was there and it seems you think you need to take a breather.

The way you initially presented this made your DH sound like a psychopath. We don't have his side of the story. You guys probably need counseling.

I made a pretty loud and audible gasp. And I said “why did you throw out the broth?!” And I said it pretty immediately as a reaction after seeing the empty pot with just the bones in it.

That is just my normal unfiltered reaction. And I’m wondering if I need to stop myself before putting out the “unfiltered” version of my response.

You need to look up the difference between "reacting" and "responding". Because you (over)reacted.

That thing you're contemplating doing, where you pause a beat/breathe and then respond? That's a response. You're an adult now, so if you haven't learned the difference, you've probably (over)reacted a LOT, and may even have a lengthy history and pattern of (over)reacting. A few sessions with a therapist to help you understand the difference and practice responding instead might be a great place to start.

Ok, that’s something I can definitely work on.

Also, I think my husband is sensitive to criticism because his dad was such a jerk to him growing up. Super critical, cursing him out after making a bad play in little league, beating him for getting less than straight A pluses, calling him stupid, calling him names, etc.

A therapist I used to see would likely say that in that heated moment, your husband felt shame, and that his over the top defensiveness was not actually about you, but it was about his dad. The shame triggered that.

The reason I stopped seeing the therapist was that we never got to the solution. We could see that pattern over and over but the therapist's answer was that we needed couples therapy or husband to get his own therapy.

Maybe other people or their therapists have more actionable answers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I usually hate this term, but he is 100% gaslighting you. Agree with PP above, I’d be surprised if this came out of nowhere. Is this how he usually acts?

That’s what it feels like to me. And he paints this picture of himself how he is totally calm and rational, and how I sound- he literally acts out what I sound like and I wish I could have recorded and played it back to you, because it’s some really gross mischaracerization projected at his top volume.

It is crazy making.

He has always done this after he makes a mistake and I get upset about it.

He won’t apologize but just blames me and makes me out to be some crazy person with major communication issues when some deep seated issues that is trying to paint him as a horrible person who is trying to hurt me and do terrible things. When I have never said anything close to that.

We throw the divorce card around far too easily on this board but this guy has a major screw loose and it sounds like you’ve been dealing with this for awhile.

He didn’t make a mistake. This was on purpose, what’s not clear is why he did it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I usually hate this term, but he is 100% gaslighting you. Agree with PP above, I’d be surprised if this came out of nowhere. Is this how he usually acts?

That’s what it feels like to me. And he paints this picture of himself how he is totally calm and rational, and how I sound- he literally acts out what I sound like and I wish I could have recorded and played it back to you, because it’s some really gross mischaracerization projected at his top volume.

It is crazy making.

He has always done this after he makes a mistake and I get upset about it.

He won’t apologize but just blames me and makes me out to be some crazy person with major communication issues when some deep seated issues that is trying to paint him as a horrible person who is trying to hurt me and do terrible things. When I have never said anything close to that.

We throw the divorce card around far too easily on this board but this guy has a major screw loose and it sounds like you’ve been dealing with this for awhile.

He didn’t make a mistake. This was on purpose, what’s not clear is why he did it.

Hmmmm.. This.