Do you and DH / DW ever yell at each other?

[Anonymous]

Pp - offered, not ordered

[Anonymous]

Pp again. Also, kids and i yell across our apartment like “kids. Dinner is ready!” Or “mom, have you seen my cleats?”

Interestingly, since he’s sensitive to noise, my DH hates that yelling. It doesn’t bother me but I get very upset by emotional / angry yelling.

[Anonymous]

I yell often. DH never yells. I yell at my kids and husband at least once per week.

Who are these people who have been married 30 years and never yelled at one another????

Half of marriages end in divorce and these dcum have never yelled at one another?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I yell often. DH never yells. I yell at my kids and husband at least once per week.

Who are these people who have been married 30 years and never yelled at one another????

Half of marriages end in divorce and these dcum have never yelled at one another?

No, never have. Married 35+ years. Just different lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife yells, I don't engage with that BS. Rinse and repeat.

the “rinse and repeat” thing needs to stop

She likes to drum every "mistake" (never cheated) I have ever made, point out how far" behind" (mainly we don't have a $5 million house, millions in the bank and a 100 ft yacht), she makes emotional statements not supported by facts. Last week she went after what make, actually said I make the same or less than her. My net pay to date this year is already 3X what her gross for the entire year will be. Argument can never just about whatever the issue of the day is, it is about everything. Never going to make any progress that way. Hence the rinse and repeat.

She acts like yelling and insulting will change things instantaneously.

You sound really action and solution oriented Pp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He explodes and yells when he doesn’t want to answer a question. About our taxes, about his work, about where his income is going.

He’s supposed to take lexapro each day but either it isn’t happening or he’s taking it so sporadically, it makes his anger outbursts worse.

Ths asd and bipolar II.

Guy here. What isn’t he answering about work? I don’t want to talk about work because i really don’t care about it outside of work. I give work zero emotional equity in my life.

Why isn’t your pay / his pay going into a joint account?

Why he isn’t bringing any of his partnership bonuses home. Which are significantly larger than his base, which is half mine.

So yeah, why isn’t his pay going into a joint account? (Signal for his abusive explosion of deflection and personal attacks.)

[Anonymous]

DH grew up with a beloved dad who yelled whenever he was angry, frustrated, or impatient, and DH behaved the same in the early years of our marriage. I found it appalling and hurtful, and yelled back often in the first couple years. Otherwise it felt like he was trying to dominate me into submission, and I wasn’t having that.

Eventually I stopped engaging when he’d fly off the handle and ultimately got through to him that this was a disrespectful way to treat your spouse. He now yells at me maybe once a year max. He still yells at our teens sometimes, almost always over dumb stuff when he’s stressed. I’ve helped them to understand this is a learned behavior from his childhood and that they need to not internalize it or repeat the pattern when they are adults.

[Anonymous]

I yelled after days of silent treatment and being locked out. I let him know I was leaving, but I knew he wouldn't fare well when I did leave.
He took himself out soon after. I may have not been dealing with NT. Silent treatment was a regular thing, not seeing two steps ahead, and cold like a cucumber.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I yell often. DH never yells. I yell at my kids and husband at least once per week.

Who are these people who have been married 30 years and never yelled at one another????

Half of marriages end in divorce and these dcum have never yelled at one another?

Same, except I’m the DH. I’m from a family of yellers, my wife is not, and over the years I’ve come to realize that she takes in yelling in a different way than I do - so I’ve dialed it back. And I don’t insult her - I will never say “You’re stupid”, though I will sometimes say “You are acting stupid”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH grew up with a beloved dad who yelled whenever he was angry, frustrated, or impatient, and DH behaved the same in the early years of our marriage. I found it appalling and hurtful, and yelled back often in the first couple years. Otherwise it felt like he was trying to dominate me into submission, and I wasn’t having that.

Eventually I stopped engaging when he’d fly off the handle and ultimately got through to him that this was a disrespectful way to treat your spouse. He now yells at me maybe once a year max. He still yells at our teens sometimes, almost always over dumb stuff when he’s stressed. I’ve helped them to understand this is a learned behavior from his childhood and that they need to not internalize it or repeat the pattern when they are adults.

Yikes, well that’s a good change for the better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I yell often. DH never yells. I yell at my kids and husband at least once per week.

Who are these people who have been married 30 years and never yelled at one another????

Half of marriages end in divorce and these dcum have never yelled at one another?

Correct, we've never yelled. We both grew up with parents that yelled (both DHs and my mom) and absolutely hated it. It caused more issues for me than DH and it took a lot of work to fix them. We both vowed (separately before we met) that we wouldn't be like our parents. We have good emotional regulation and control.

[Anonymous]

I yelled once in 15 years when I told him to move out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He explodes and yells when he doesn’t want to answer a question. About our taxes, about his work, about where his income is going.

He’s supposed to take lexapro each day but either it isn’t happening or he’s taking it so sporadically, it makes his anger outbursts worse.

Ths asd and bipolar II.

Guy here. What isn’t he answering about work? I don’t want to talk about work because i really don’t care about it outside of work. I give work zero emotional equity in my life.

Why isn’t your pay / his pay going into a joint account?

Why he isn’t bringing any of his partnership bonuses home. Which are significantly larger than his base, which is half mine.

So yeah, why isn’t his pay going into a joint account? (Signal for his abusive explosion of deflection and personal attacks.)

PP here. That is talking about finances not work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I yelled after days of silent treatment and being locked out. I let him know I was leaving, but I knew he wouldn't fare well when I did leave.
He took himself out soon after. I may have not been dealing with NT. Silent treatment was a regular thing, not seeing two steps ahead, and cold like a cucumber.

Took himself out as in suicide?

[Anonymous]

My takeaway from this is it’s cultural. Clearly, most people on this thread don’t live in NYC, where we all get yelled on the regular - often by strangers (if you want to experience getting yelled at in NYC just stand still on the left side of the escalator descending into the subway…. Hahahaha!).

Both sides of my family are from NYC and we currently live here. It’s just how people talk when they care - they talk loudly and yell and interrupt and wave their arms around and will sometimes punctuate their yelling with the rhetorical question “are you an idiot!?”

When we were living in the DC area, I quickly learned that even minimally raising my voice or gesticulating when I spoke totally freaks out people from the DMV. I think it’s cultural.

My husband is not from NYC and hates all the yelling that my family does. On the other hand, unlike my family, most of the adults in his family are divorced, often more than once. They give each other silent treatment and live separate lives in the same house and drink silently and alone. So yeah, I guess they are quiet and controlled and “polite” and certainly don’t yell, but it’s so awful. You can just feel the tension permeating the house, and I want to get out of there.

So, due to my cultural bias, I’ll take interacting with a genuine yeller over a controlled seether any day.

For demographic purposes, we are married 20 years with 2 teens.