16 year old bf/gf - supervision

[Anonymous]

Open and honest conversation about contraception, STDs, and consent, reading a book and discussing it, is an absolute prerequisite to being allowed private time with potential sexual partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next time before they come over provide a large box of condoms - enough for them to make mistakes with - and several tubes of lube… be tactful, in a basket or something with a sweet note about romance. Better they start the right way now before winding up in the backseat of their car being watched by tramps somewhere in Loudon.

Maybe sit down with the girls parents and map out where both families feel sexual activity is appropriate - doesn’t make sense to have different rules in different houses.

You can’t be serious. If I am this 16 YO girls mother, I would immediately peg you as a creep. And I would keep my daughter from seeing your son.

That would be a win, wouldn't it? Don't want parents pimping their daughter out to the streets.

But if a parent didn't care about their daughter sleeping around, they wouldn't mind telling that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next time before they come over provide a large box of condoms - enough for them to make mistakes with - and several tubes of lube… be tactful, in a basket or something with a sweet note about romance. Better they start the right way now before winding up in the backseat of their car being watched by tramps somewhere in Loudon.

Maybe sit down with the girls parents and map out where both families feel sexual activity is appropriate - doesn’t make sense to have different rules in different houses.

You can’t be serious. If I am this 16 YO girls mother, I would immediately peg you as a creep. And I would keep my daughter from seeing your son.

And that’s exactly why she should do this. The girl’s parents may seem lax and uncaring, but they have a right to know what is going on.

Approach it with kindness, clarity and decency—describe your concerns about their activities and discuss the possibility of splitting the condoms/lube cost between the two sets of parents.

Also discuss splitting car insurance and babysitting too?

If you can't afford $20 to prevent AIDS and pregnancy, you're lost, pal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next time before they come over provide a large box of condoms - enough for them to make mistakes with - and several tubes of lube… be tactful, in a basket or something with a sweet note about romance. Better they start the right way now before winding up in the backseat of their car being watched by tramps somewhere in Loudon.

Maybe sit down with the girls parents and map out where both families feel sexual activity is appropriate - doesn’t make sense to have different rules in different houses.

You can’t be serious. If I am this 16 YO girls mother, I would immediately peg you as a creep. And I would keep my daughter from seeing your son.

That would be a win, wouldn't it? Don't want parents pimping their daughter out to the streets.

But if a parent didn't care about their daughter sleeping around, they wouldn't mind telling that.

I think if OP is concerned her son might be paying this girl for sex it’s definitely time to involve the other set of parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, she should never see his bedroom in video or in person. If she visits, they should ge in family room or living room with siblings or you present. Phone calls made in common rooms, never bedroom.

I know someone who drew the line there. Seeing it??

I get if you frame it as :
“We won’t allow her upstairs at all”
“Or no hanging out in room”

But seeing it .. on a video call?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next time before they come over provide a large box of condoms - enough for them to make mistakes with - and several tubes of lube… be tactful, in a basket or something with a sweet note about romance. Better they start the right way now before winding up in the backseat of their car being watched by tramps somewhere in Loudon.

Maybe sit down with the girls parents and map out where both families feel sexual activity is appropriate - doesn’t make sense to have different rules in different houses.

You can’t be serious. If I am this 16 YO girls mother, I would immediately peg you as a creep. And I would keep my daughter from seeing your son.

And that’s exactly why she should do this. The girl’s parents may seem lax and uncaring, but they have a right to know what is going on.

Approach it with kindness, clarity and decency—describe your concerns about their activities and discuss the possibility of splitting the condoms/lube cost between the two sets of parents.

Also discuss splitting car insurance and babysitting too?

If you can't afford $20 to prevent AIDS and pregnancy, you're lost, pal.

I think you’d want to approach the other parents a little more gently and not bring AIDs into it, but maybe asking them to provide the lube if you and your husband provide the condoms is more realistic and likely to get a positive result.

[Anonymous]

You guys are nuts. Or maybe “wise” parents of middle schoolers? This stuff is hard with older teens and bold proclamations about exactly the right way to do things are absurd.

[Anonymous]

Just for the record, if you are planning to have a group discussion about sex rules with the parents of your kid's bf/gf and you are not already CLOSE friends with those parents, you are a raging weirdo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just for the record, if you are planning to have a group discussion about sex rules with the parents of your kid's bf/gf and you are not already CLOSE friends with those parents, you are a raging weirdo.

Why is that? Is it any less important if you’re not already close? I would argue it’s more important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our home, bedrooms (upstairs) are off limits. Main floor and basement (teen hang out space and future man-cave for my husband) are fine. If they are in the basement the door stays open, and, I usually make my way down there every once in a while.

The other rule is they are not permitted at our house or her house if no parent is home.

This. Also, make sure you have the talk and provide condoms.

Torn condoms lead to many unwanted pregnancies. This is why it’s crucial to also provide a quality lubricant compatible with latex condoms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 17 yo has been good friends with both boys she has dated seriously. So it was harder to set extra boundaries once I figured out it had moved to a romantic relationship. She’s been in co Ed friend groups since 5th grade.

First time both parents had open door rules but they had sex anyway. now this second time - mid junior year and it was with a boy she’d been friends with since age 14 - I didn’t bother with all that. The second time and maturity difference is pretty big, this time.

I’d do your best to keep any boundaries you can (I’d let them have privacy in phone calls tho!! That suggestion is ridiculous) but don’t expect you can stop them either. Buy condoms for his bathroom “for him and his friends”

I don’t understand this open door rule as if it’s going to prevent teens from having sex. It’s only meant for calming the nerves of anxious parents so they feel like they are parenting. The teens will easily find a way at another house, when you’re not at home etc.

Obviously there is no way to stop them. But you shouldn’t be making it easy for them either. Contra the poster above who wants to present them with a basket of condoms and lube—shudder—I don’t think it’s ideal to just let them bang away in the bedroom while everyone else is chilling in the sitting room. I think you kind of owe it to them to make them sneak around. It reduces risk by reducing the number of encounters they can have; it’s way more fun for them, too—instead of disappearing into some upstairs bedroom while people are downstairs watching Matlock or whatever, they have to furtively plan for those tiny windows of time where they can finally be alone together. So romantic—the longing, the planning, the fear of discovery—don’t deny them that experience. And please don’t convene the summit of parents to mutually decide what level of sexual activity will be condoned in each of your various houses. Let them sneak around the way nature intended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just for the record, if you are planning to have a group discussion about sex rules with the parents of your kid's bf/gf and you are not already CLOSE friends with those parents, you are a raging weirdo.

Why is that? Is it any less important if you’re not already close? I would argue it’s more important.

Do you have teens? I don’t know the parents of the other child at all. They likely have no idea our kids are involved. They oppose dating on religious grounds. Should I call and say, hey our kids are probably having sex? I could be endangering the girl for all I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I keep condoms and plan b accessible in my house from the start of high school onward. Young teens need stay in common areas or bedrooms with doors open (small house so not a lot privacy regardless) when a parent is home and older teens can have a bit more privacy with shutting the door and hanging out without parents home. Ask for nothing sexual to happen when anyone else is home and to always shut/lock the door if it is going to happen.

This comes after years of positive sex ed and discussions of consent & repercussions of sex. Telling my kids they need to wait until they feel safe and mature enough to engage in sex. Preventing your child from having sex in a safe environment doesn’t stop them. Giving boundaries and teaching teens how to be safe and respectful is the best way to parent. If your teen wants to have sex they will and they will do it wherever they are able to. If you are unwilling to accept that you aren’t mature enough to parent teens.

And not that it matters but my teen isn’t sexually active yet. But they know how to be safe and keep a partner safe. And they have friends with sexually repressed parents who come to them for condoms and once for a plan b.

So I DO have sexually active teens and I disagree with most of this, not philosophically (I would have felt it was reasonable in theory, before I was in this situation) but in practice. I am not ok with my 16 yo having sex and do not want it happening in my home, whether I am here or not. It's too young. It's too risky because they are so young and in some ways, clueless. I feel similarly about smoking marijuana - it's not evil or a terrible, but it's a bad idea at this age and I'm not going to provide a venue for it.

The biggest problem is you cannot count on the other kid's family sharing your values, at all. You can only manage your own kid, to the extent you can. But it makes it very risky.

If they are sexually active where do you expect them to have sex? In the woods, parking lot at Walmart, school bathroom? That is more risky than doing it while nobody is at home.

I don’t think they should be having sex, and my expectation is they don’t. Where has it happened? I think in cars, parks, on school/club trips, maybe at someone else’s house. I realize I can’t stop them if they’re motivated but providing them my own house at this age is unacceptable to me. I think they’d just have more sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 17 yo has been good friends with both boys she has dated seriously. So it was harder to set extra boundaries once I figured out it had moved to a romantic relationship. She’s been in co Ed friend groups since 5th grade.

First time both parents had open door rules but they had sex anyway. now this second time - mid junior year and it was with a boy she’d been friends with since age 14 - I didn’t bother with all that. The second time and maturity difference is pretty big, this time.

I’d do your best to keep any boundaries you can (I’d let them have privacy in phone calls tho!! That suggestion is ridiculous) but don’t expect you can stop them either. Buy condoms for his bathroom “for him and his friends”

I don’t understand this open door rule as if it’s going to prevent teens from having sex. It’s only meant for calming the nerves of anxious parents so they feel like they are parenting. The teens will easily find a way at another house, when you’re not at home etc.

Obviously there is no way to stop them. But you shouldn’t be making it easy for them either. Contra the poster above who wants to present them with a basket of condoms and lube—shudder—I don’t think it’s ideal to just let them bang away in the bedroom while everyone else is chilling in the sitting room. I think you kind of owe it to them to make them sneak around. It reduces risk by reducing the number of encounters they can have; it’s way more fun for them, too—instead of disappearing into some upstairs bedroom while people are downstairs watching Matlock or whatever, they have to furtively plan for those tiny windows of time where they can finally be alone together. So romantic—the longing, the planning, the fear of discovery—don’t deny them that experience. And please don’t convene the summit of parents to mutually decide what level of sexual activity will be condoned in each of your various houses. Let them sneak around the way nature intended.

Do you bang your spouse while the rest of the family watches tv? I assume you find some quiet time and your teens will likely do the same. Keeping the bedroom door open will change nothing. Mostly they’ll talk and kiss while you’re at home.

As someone that had sex in the park as a teen, there are far better and safer options. Discovering a weirdo is watching them from the bushes is not as exciting as you imagine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just for the record, if you are planning to have a group discussion about sex rules with the parents of your kid's bf/gf and you are not already CLOSE friends with those parents, you are a raging weirdo.

Completely agree.

I have sons. If one of their girlfriends' parents ever suggested that, I would find a way to let my boys know that she comes from a family of weirdos. And apples don't fall far from trees.