Does everyone deserve a soulmate?

[Anonymous]

No such thing as a soulmate. Adults know this. Some people get lucky. Others don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I spent a few years working in a developing country where a significant portion of the population lives in grinding poverty, and even in the middle and upper classes, most people are paired up in marriages arranged by their families, often between cousins. It's an honor-shame culture in which divorce is often not permitted by families of the woman even in cases of domestic violence, and women are honor-killed with some regularity. Domestic violence is common and seemed to be accepted by many people. I had a colleague who was educated in the West and successful in her career, but married to a man who, every few months or so, would beat her violently. She stayed with him and while she would complain about his abuse, between batterings she spoke of him and their family as if it were normal. We had one deep conversation once where I asked her, after a beating, why she didn't just leave, and she said that when he first started beating her early in their marriage, she had asked her parents to go home and they said that if she did, they and she would be socially shunned, so no. I pointed out that she could get a job overseas, and she said that she didn't want to separate her young son from his father because the son loved his dad so much (even though the dad beat the mom regularly). This was really how she thought. And I think many people in the world are in that situation. Marriage and love are viewed very differently in many parts of the world.

And I thought a lot about how we view love and marriage in the West. I concluded that "soulmates" are a luxury most people in the world don't even consider.

In our culture, we just have choices and the advantages of choice and education and options, but in the end, many of the love and soulmates fall apart after children.

I think that really meeting a soulmate is super rare. We in the West are all trying to find one, but most of us don't, even if we thought we did at some point.

If beautiful and highly successful people were more likely to find soulmates, I don't think we would see so many divorces in celebrity/politician/pro athlete circles?

So maybe we all have the potential to find a soulmate, but most of us just...don't.

This was fascinating to read. We're lucky that we can even entertain the idea of finding a soul mate. We're lucky we can live alone if we choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there are soulmates out there for everyone.

You just settled before you found yours. You made a choice, and you chose to have a warm body instead of being lonely.

It's just compatibility IMO. If you hold out for the right person, you know it feels right. But you might miss out on other milestones. Only you can know if settling is the right choice. Again, all choices we make.

Soul mates don't exist, compatibility does. If two people decide they are soulmates, that's great. Just needs two very romantic people to make that decision and create that reality as best they can. But fundamentally it is a fiction. There are only greater and lesser degrees of compatibility.

[Anonymous]

My husband is not my romantic ideal. He’s also kind of terrible in bed. He’s such a golden human though. Big hearted and supportive. I’m lucky in that. I’d love a big romance too. What I have is steady and good.

[Anonymous]

People who don’t believe in soulmates have never found theirs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who don’t believe in soulmates have never found theirs.

Or they’re grown ups.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who don’t believe in soulmates have never found theirs.

Or they’re grown ups.

No, they’ve just doomed themselves.

https://news.stonybrook.edu/newsroom/press-release/general/010711lovecanlast/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is not my romantic ideal. He’s also kind of terrible in bed. He’s such a golden human though. Big hearted and supportive. I’m lucky in that. I’d love a big romance too. What I have is steady and good.

You're one of the lucky ones, truly. Except for the terrible in bed part. Have you considered a sex therapist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are soulmates out there for everyone.

You just settled before you found yours. You made a choice, and you chose to have a warm body instead of being lonely.

It's just compatibility IMO. If you hold out for the right person, you know it feels right. But you might miss out on other milestones. Only you can know if settling is the right choice. Again, all choices we make.

Soul mates don't exist, compatibility does. If two people decide they are soulmates, that's great. Just needs two very romantic people to make that decision and create that reality as best they can. But fundamentally it is a fiction. There are only greater and lesser degrees of compatibility.

Well said. I agree about compatibility, and that being soulmates essentially takes two people making that decision and living their lives accordingly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm very sympathetic to what you are saying because I often feel the same way. I didn't have the best family or childhood, and I don't feel like I'm the "best person" in part because I've had to work hard just to be a functional person.

I feel like people who grow up feeling very loved and nurtured in their relationships with parents and siblings are better at finding/picking mates who will also be loving and nurturing. I didn't have that so I had no idea.

It's hard at midlife to think about these things. It's like the adage "the rich get richer" only instead of financial wealth, these people are rich in love and community. I come from a long line of neglected children.

OP and I stepped away from this thread due to a busy weekend but really appreciate the thoughtful and diverse replies. This PP really hit the nail on the head with the “rich get richer” idea. I think what I was getting at in my strange way was exactly what you described- coming from a place of dysfunction and sort of marveling at the people who had a very different upbringing, and how it impacts their adult relationships.

I am grateful for all of the different perspectives that helped give me a different perspective on my question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are soulmates out there for everyone.

You just settled before you found yours. You made a choice, and you chose to have a warm body instead of being lonely.

It's just compatibility IMO. If you hold out for the right person, you know it feels right. But you might miss out on other milestones. Only you can know if settling is the right choice. Again, all choices we make.

Soul mates don't exist, compatibility does. If two people decide they are soulmates, that's great. Just needs two very romantic people to make that decision and create that reality as best they can. But fundamentally it is a fiction. There are only greater and lesser degrees of compatibility.

Meh, I think soulmates do exist. One singular one? No. But in general, there are people who fit better together. As I even said, it's compatibility. It sounds like you agree with me, you just dont like the name.

Many people find someone for "now" and struggle to put the square peg into the round hole. Sure maybe it works for a while, but when you find the right person, you just fit. You flow. IMO it's worth waiting for and worth looking for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Luck and timing play a bigger role in mating success than people are willing to admit. If I turned right on a Tuesday instead of left on a Wednesday, or didn't move to a certain city, my life would be completely different. You are analyzing factors that might not have much to with your individual situation.

And stop being so hard on yourself. I would be that a lot of people on here are average.

Bump. Yes - luck and timing. The way my husband and I met was so much about luck and timing. We are a great fit, as in "there's a lid for every pot."

My example of this luck+timing: I went to a public event alone, with the plan to walk around and see how the day goes. I was standing in a crowd, noticed a guy, glanced at him for a split second, he didn't make much of an impression, and I went on looking at the happenings. There was a woman in the crowd standing alone with a provocative poster, as a one-person protest. She seemed to me brave and interesting, I wanted to talk to her but didn't know what to say. That guy who'd been standing nearby must've said "how's it going?" or something like that, to which I answered something like "I'm wondering about that woman over there. Do you want to walk up with me and ask her about the message on the poster?" After that conversation, he and I hit it off right away.

If it wasn't for the luck+timing, I doubt he and I would be together today. I'm bad at small talk and probably wouldn't have started talking with him if not for that woman to break the ice with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is not my romantic ideal. He’s also kind of terrible in bed. He’s such a golden human though. Big hearted and supportive. I’m lucky in that. I’d love a big romance too. What I have is steady and good.

You're one of the lucky ones, truly. Except for the terrible in bed part. Have you considered a sex therapist?

My suggestion would be to do an experiment of sorts and to make it a point to sleep with him every 1-3 days for 2-3 weeks. That should be enough to get to know each other again and get the spark back.

[Anonymous]

Soul mates are an illusion that you're dwelling on because it's easier than either working on your marriage or taking steps to end it. Pining away for a perfect imaginary lover is distracting you from the present moment and from taking potentially difficult actions that might bring you more fulfillment in the long term.