Saw large families on vacation and started feeling sad…

[Anonymous]

We have leaned into building strong relationships w/ those friends we make our chosen family (and their kids).

We have some extended family but they're disasters (rampant addiction and mental health issues that mean we have to protect our kids from it.)

Nothing's perfect.

[Anonymous]

I am a single parent of one kid, who has no cousins. We do enjoy traveling. We can cover a lot of ground, as a small family can turn on a dime.

When we get together with extended family, it is lovely, as we are all generally nice people. So nice, in fact, that we don't really do a lot, as we struggle to make a lot of decisions, lest someone ( or a large number of needy dogs) should be inconvenienced. We end up hanging out at someone's house eating takeout. One cousin is entirely stuck in limbo, perennially picking up forgotten items from the grocery store. Very nice, but not high adventure and not something we need to do weekly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have people in your life close enough for you to consider “chosen family”? We have a family we’ve been close to for decades that we vacation with. It has a “cousins roam around together” vibe and keeps my only from feeling lonely. Another option is resorts with kid programming that keeps kids together.

That works for a while but IME and observation it doesn’t last.

Neither do cousins. DH and I both have a dozen cousins each. We rarely see them at all. I vacationed a bit with mine as a kid, but think family camping - we did resort trips on our own because of income disparity between the families.

I'm currently on vacation with my only child. We were supposed to travel with her young cousin but they had to cancel. I was sad for a minute but it has been an awesome vacation and we did a lot more activities than we would have with a much younger person in tow.

DP - IME cousins can come back even after periods of less contact. The "chosen family," not so much. Once that season is over, it's over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m an only child and DH has a sibling who never got married. We have 2 kids. We went to a resort with just the 4 of us and I noticed a lot of families with extended families (adult siblings, lots of kids who were presumably cousins), I started feeling sad that my kids won’t have first cousins, and we’ll never get to experience these types of get togethers where our kids roam around with their cousins and it’s more than just DH and me.

Anyone felt like this before and how did you overcome this feeling?

No matter how big a family is, that doesn't mean people will be close or want to spend time together.

I'm an only child and DH has 2 brothers. We have 3 sons and my BILs each have 3 kids (5 boys, 1 girl). We all live fairly local but there was a falling out between DH's oldest brother and their parents so my kids don't know their kids at all. My kids have seen my other BIL's sons maybe 15 times in 20 years. DH and BIL don't really mesh all that well so we hardly get together.

[Anonymous]

Both of my parents were only children. We lived overseas as a military family until I was 8 and there was only one grandparent that my mother became estranged from. So no aunts, uncles and first cousins. I think it hit home the most when DH and I got married and my whole family was six people. My parents had four children so that made up for a lot because we always had a full house growing up. Maybe you can have a few more kids, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both of my parents were only children. We lived overseas as a military family until I was 8 and there was only one grandparent that my mother became estranged from. So no aunts, uncles and first cousins. I think it hit home the most when DH and I got married and my whole family was six people. My parents had four children so that made up for a lot because we always had a full house growing up. Maybe you can have a few more kids, OP?

That's what I did. Make the family you want.

[Anonymous]

Grass is always greener on the other side, OP.

Long ago, our huge extended family stopped gathering for multi generational vacations because it was incredibly stressful and anything but relaxing.

[Anonymous]

Thing is that families grow and dynamics change with time. New branches shoot from the family tree. If everyone stayed together, we would still be vacationing at Adam and Eve's house.

[Anonymous]

I feel sad about that too, OP. I LOVED spending time with aunts, uncles, and cousins growing up. I'm very bummed my kids won't have that. DH was an only and my siblings didn't have kids. No choice but to make the best of it.

[Anonymous]

This progression of this thread, especially on this website, could not have been more predictable. OP opens up about feeling bad that her nuclear family isn't part of a larger, healthy family -- and poster after poster responds by insulting and lamenting their relatives.

I take the responses with a huge grain of salt. Most people don't feel that way about their extended family. Just the ones who feel compelled to talk that way on every thread about family relationships on DCUM. I think there's a happy majority.

I am a member of the majority. Yes, OP, we are lucky and blessed to have a large and happy family. I'm sure you're just as blessed in other ways.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with a large, close extended family but I didn't get to have kids until I was in my early 40s. By that time everyone had either died, scattered, or had their own families. It was never the same as when I was little and my kids won't experience the same thing. There are different, quieter pleasures in small family gatherings. My DH is very introverted and hated the chaos of his big family gatherings growing up. Not everyone wants a huge party. I embrace what we have so my kids don't feel like they're missing out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This progression of this thread, especially on this website, could not have been more predictable. OP opens up about feeling bad that her nuclear family isn't part of a larger, healthy family -- and poster after poster responds by insulting and lamenting their relatives.

I take the responses with a huge grain of salt. Most people don't feel that way about their extended family. Just the ones who feel compelled to talk that way on every thread about family relationships on DCUM. I think there's a happy majority.

I am a member of the majority. Yes, OP, we are lucky and blessed to have a large and happy family. I'm sure you're just as blessed in other ways.

How is it an insult to say your parents were only children or that your siblings were childfree?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m an only child and DH has a sibling who never got married. We have 2 kids. We went to a resort with just the 4 of us and I noticed a lot of families with extended families (adult siblings, lots of kids who were presumably cousins), I started feeling sad that my kids won’t have first cousins, and we’ll never get to experience these types of get togethers where our kids roam around with their cousins and it’s more than just DH and me.

Anyone felt like this before and how did you overcome this feeling?

LOL. Multi generations family vacations are not vacations. At all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Just remember that things aren’t always what they appear to be. Sometimes these seemingly picture perfect large family gatherings are filled with stress, arguments and people who are counting down the seconds until they can get home to their own space.

I have a bother who I’m not very close with, and because of this, our DD barely knows her cousins. We’ve realized these large family vacations aren’t likely in the cards for us either as my DH is an only child. We still go on great vacations and are giving out DD the best memories that we can, but I understand the feeling of missing out.

This. Most likely some of those people were envious of your freedom. The friends I know who do this or used to hated it, yet still posted on social media these beautiful extended family photos from the vacation. Those that broke free dealt with a lot of drama and guilt trips. I find I am a lot happier when I appreciate all that I have and focus on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m an only child and DH has a sibling who never got married. We have 2 kids. We went to a resort with just the 4 of us and I noticed a lot of families with extended families (adult siblings, lots of kids who were presumably cousins), I started feeling sad that my kids won’t have first cousins, and we’ll never get to experience these types of get togethers where our kids roam around with their cousins and it’s more than just DH and me.

Anyone felt like this before and how did you overcome this feeling?

You don't have to be only children to have this dynamic. I am one of 3 and my DH is one of 4 and we are the only ones who have kids. My siblings and parents have no interest in going on vacation with us that we pick (it is only where they want to go, and those are usually cramming tons of people into a 2 bedroom/1 bathroom place, even if we offer to pay they won't budge, and those vacations are awful). My in-laws have agreed a few times to go with us to places that we pay for (renting large homes so everyone has a bedroom and with multiple bathrooms, a pool, etc), but then they expect us to cook all meals and pay for everything else. We even allowed my DH's much younger siblings to bring friends and included the great-grandparents (It was an enormous house)

There is no interest in a cruise or all inclusive (I hate those but would go if the others would).

It is so depressing. We tried and tried because I wanted those kind of vacations for my kids. I had those growing up, at big beach houses on the east coast. But my family and my ILs don't want to go to the beach, or Europe, or the mountains, or anywhere. They aren't going on vacation behind our backs. They just don't want to. We are the only ones that do. And before people get snarky and say it's our kids, I have 2 teens, they're not bad to be around.