Struggling with being intimate with my husband

[Anonymous]

This happened to my ex wife. The only thing that fixed it was divorce. I'm pretty sure that brought her sex drive back. She does have a new man. Divorce definitely gave me the opportunity to have sex with partners who were attracted to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would check in with your OB or your GP. It sounds like you have some hormonal things going on that are affecting your libido. I would also read the book by Moody 8itches by Julie Holland. That helped me get my sex drive back when I was in a similar place.

Your lack of libido is not your fault . . . your body has been through a lot. But there are things you can do to help bring it back. Your husband sounds very understanding and supportive, and personally I would want to make the effort for his sake. And hopefully when you get those feelings back, you'll enjoy it too!

This,
And I would tell him, look, I seem to have lost my libido, I am working on it. And then actually work on it!

I would personally oblige at least the HJ or more because s€x is important to me so even if I lost desire I would understand why DH would want at least something. For some people (myself included) physical intimacy is the best expression of love and affection and I wouldn’t want to deprive DH of that.

+1. This is good advice. Also, are you not attracted to him or are you just not interested in sex right now? Assuming you’re still attracted to him, I would go out of your way to show that in other ways - kissing, back rubs, hugs, etc. - while you’re working on getting your libido back. That also might help. DH and I have been married for 17 years and have sex a few times a week. But I’m definitely more in the mood for it when there has been other forms of physical intimacy leading up to it.

Your husband sounds like a good guy and very patient, so I would try to find a way to work through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would check in with your OB or your GP. It sounds like you have some hormonal things going on that are affecting your libido. I would also read the book by Moody 8itches by Julie Holland. That helped me get my sex drive back when I was in a similar place.

Your lack of libido is not your fault . . . your body has been through a lot. But there are things you can do to help bring it back. Your husband sounds very understanding and supportive, and personally I would want to make the effort for his sake. And hopefully when you get those feelings back, you'll enjoy it too!

This,
And I would tell him, look, I seem to have lost my libido, I am working on it. And then actually work on it!

I would personally oblige at least the HJ or more because s€x is important to me so even if I lost desire I would understand why DH would want at least something. For some people (myself included) physical intimacy is the best expression of love and affection and I wouldn’t want to deprive DH of that.

Op here. Thank you for being kind. Some of these replies are wacky. I do love him very much he's a wonderful human a I don't want to think about life without him. It's just that the thought of anything sexual with him is off putting I thought that the interest would be back by now it was with my oldest at this point post partum. But it's not. And his love language is physical touch and intimacy and that makes it worse because I know he's taking it personally. I also worry that he'll be able to tell im not that I'm not that into it and it will make it worse. I'm just so in my head right now.

Are you still nursing? IME that had a significant impact on our sex life. 5.5 months is not that long, it varied with our children, so I wouldn’t push the panic button quite yet. We had a nine-month dry spell after one of ours and bounced back. But if this doesn’t change at some point, it’s going to be a major issue you need to deal with. He will of course take it personally at some point, although i think that it’s likely still manageable since it’s not all that long a period in the grand scheme of things. I agree a few courtesy HJ’s can go a long way, and your lack of interest can readily be explained by this point as “I’m too wiped out from the baby to be into it at the moment, but we will get back.” Monitor from there. If it came back to some extent before it likely will again, so keep the faith for now.

Op here. Yes still nursing. I think I'm going to try tonight and see how it goes. Will be open to talking with my doctor if it goes poorly. . I just need to be out of my head

[Anonymous]

Do you really find even snuggling and smooching while he does whatever to feel like a hideous violation? I’ve definitely been at the “hormones making full intimacy unbearable” stage but if you can’t do anything in bed to make him feel loved and cherished without it being really upsetting to you, I would honestly stop nursing. Your marriage is more important. (And I have done a lot of crying about how I WANT to have a libido I just don’t…)

[Anonymous]

I'm not post-partum but menopausal but this seems to be the same issue, hormones. OP, talk to your husband about the fact that you have no libido. Talk to your OB/Gyn. The advice may be to wait it out until you aren't nursing, touched out, sleep deprived, etc. There is help out there. I suggest that you seek help for the sake of your marriage.

I lost my libido with menopause and have been working on the issue. My husband is a good guy and great in bed. I get the lack of desire. I try to have sex with him 2 times a week or sex and taking care of him. He sometimes asks for me to take care of him and sometimes I feel like, "I'm so tired, please just let me sleep" but it is important to my marriage to keep this part of our relationship alive. My husband is pretty understanding but I know he wishes I wanted him more. Even though he understands that my libido loss is not completely within my control, my lack of desire for him still hurts him.

BTW, not all men lose the desire and the ability to perform without drugs when they get older. My DH is 59 and would be up for it 5 times a week.

[Anonymous]

You're not connected and not attracted to your partner.

And now you are trying to figure out how to live with your choices.

Make better choices is the duh answer

[Anonymous]

The PPs out there saying "leave!" must have never dealt with postpartum hormones or sleep deprivation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - did you ever have a passionate relationship with other men? Do you look at attractive men on the street and think of that tight area on the pants below the waist ? Ever had a crush on your co-worker ?

Not everyone is heterosexual, if these things never happened to you… You could be gay, asexual etc

She's less than six month post partum. Get a grip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would check in with your OB or your GP. It sounds like you have some hormonal things going on that are affecting your libido. I would also read the book by Moody 8itches by Julie Holland. That helped me get my sex drive back when I was in a similar place.

Your lack of libido is not your fault . . . your body has been through a lot. But there are things you can do to help bring it back. Your husband sounds very understanding and supportive, and personally I would want to make the effort for his sake. And hopefully when you get those feelings back, you'll enjoy it too!

This,
And I would tell him, look, I seem to have lost my libido, I am working on it. And then actually work on it!

I would personally oblige at least the HJ or more because s€x is important to me so even if I lost desire I would understand why DH would want at least something. For some people (myself included) physical intimacy is the best expression of love and affection and I wouldn’t want to deprive DH of that.

DO NOT FORGET: women’s desire is responsive. It is not up to OP to just become horny. Her DH should read “come as you are”… as should OP.

Well I’m a woman (and the PP you’re responding to) and my desire is not “responsive” or whatever that means. I find the concept a little rape-y tbh, like the man should start in and the woman will become aroused? I don’t really buy it. My desire is intrinsic, I’ve just been told my whole life I should never act on it, I should be ashamed, etc. which thankfully I don’t give a f about and as a result I’ve had an incredible s€x life…

Anyway, I feel for both OP and her DH. My libido didn’t come back for many months after each child birth and 5.5 months is really not that long after having your bits torn and a baby attached to your boob for hours/months on end. But I’d still try in that case… Her DH just wants to connect with his wife. I think it’s sweet. He sounds like an amazing guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Full disclosure we were never super active even before our oldest was born 4 years ago. At our peak it was 3 to 4 times a week. We don't have sex at all during my pregnancies - my choice. Pre second pregnancy it was 1 to 2 times a week. We've been at zero since the second was born 5.5 months ago. My husband has been good about this no complaints no grumpiness. He's a very good husband and father and when we are intimate it's never been bad. It's just that the thought of being intimate with him grosses me out. It's not just PIV. He's been taking care of himself largely without my knowledge except when I walked in on him which felt awkward and uncomfortable for me. Which brings me to this about a month ago he asked for a BJ which I don't love but do for him at least twice a year but he asked because he was having a particularly rough time. I said no then and he let it go no complaints etc. continued being a great husband. Then last Friday he asked if I would be willing to once a week give him an HJ with kissing and whatever I wanted. I asked him to give me a week to think about it. Well it's a week and honestly the thought of doing that or anything with him grosses me out. So I want to say no and I no he would accept it with grace, but I also know turning him down repeatedly is hurting him and likely our marriage in the long-term. I just don't know how to get past this.

And because I know someone will ask ,no he has not changed drastically physically since we met.

You need to see a therapist and a doctor. This is not normal and it will destroy your marriage. You need to fix this defect in you.

Somebody needs to keep idiots like this out of the forum. Go away troll.

Well, it might be normal, but it also may destroy her marriage. Her husband might not like the idea of a long-term platonic wife (i.e., roommate).

[Anonymous]

OP,

1. As others have said, it’s hormonal. Talk to your OB either way. Even if you decide not to take pills while breastfeeding, I would strongly consider taking medication after weaning DC2.

2. I find that smut helps. Lots of people like to start with Bridgerton.

If you need something for tonight, try fanfiction. It’s free on the web. I use a website called An Archive of Our Own. There’s a good search function in the upper, right-hand corner. Click search, then click edit your search. If you’re not a preexisting fan, lots of people like to read about Hermione. Search for her.

To ensure the best stories come up, scroll to the bottom of the dialog box and sort by kudos, descending. You might also want to choose some of the following settings: m/f, English language , single chapter, exclude crossovers, completed works only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he’s taking learning that he’s an incel pretty well, all things considered.

Yep, the dream of many married women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would check in with your OB or your GP. It sounds like you have some hormonal things going on that are affecting your libido. I would also read the book by Moody 8itches by Julie Holland. That helped me get my sex drive back when I was in a similar place.

Your lack of libido is not your fault . . . your body has been through a lot. But there are things you can do to help bring it back. Your husband sounds very understanding and supportive, and personally I would want to make the effort for his sake. And hopefully when you get those feelings back, you'll enjoy it too!

This,
And I would tell him, look, I seem to have lost my libido, I am working on it. And then actually work on it!

I would personally oblige at least the HJ or more because s€x is important to me so even if I lost desire I would understand why DH would want at least something. For some people (myself included) physical intimacy is the best expression of love and affection and I wouldn’t want to deprive DH of that.

Op here. I know he's taking it personally. I also worry that he'll be able to tell im not that I'm not that into it and it will make it worse. I'm just so in my head right now.

Yes, he's going to take is personally that you find the idea of sex with him repulsive. He might be a nice guy about it now, obviously making you feel at ease about his commitment to you, but don't expect that to last forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The PPs out there saying "leave!" must have never dealt with postpartum hormones or sleep deprivation

Hormones are real as are their effects.
They are not, however, destiny or an excuse for actions (or inactions).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is his hygiene? And what is he willing to give you in this negotiation?

Op here. His hygiene is just fine wtf. He already does whatever I need him to do around the house and with the kids that's not the issue. And sexually he'd do whatever I wanted it just that I don't want to do anything..

You don’t want to do anything. So, you are making a deliberate choice to do nothing. It’s not because you can’t do it. You deliberately don’t want to satisfy your husband. A husband you call a great husband. Poor guy. You are cruel. I hope he finds a better woman who satisfy him sexually.

You sound bitter and single. She just created a human life, popped it out and has been caring for it with her BODY. You have no respect for women if you hope he cheats on her after giving birth to his progeny.